jims cafe friday january 15

[JMG]

Tysm for the tag @1964dodge & for opening the cafe Cool q's too, here's my answers.

1. would you prefer to live for love and be broke or without love and be rich.
Live for love and be broke because love is priceless. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

2. why is it that men look older than women.
I dunno if that is true, I think men tend to age better than women a lot of the time, or at least look better as they age and also don't have quite the same pressures in terms of having no trace of wrinkles on their face & things like that. I can't imagine ever only being interested in men "younger than me" seems so damn restrictive and I'd pick an older guy who was nicer over a younger one who wasn't every time for sure. Sincerely wish more men thought of it the same way...ugh ok I need to not start thinking about that or I will just be feeling even more hopeless and depressed about that in terms of my own life.

3. can you forgive yourself if you do something bad.
Yes.

4. can people really change if they try.
Yes, I think so. It does no good for anyone to doubt that such things are possible in any case.

5. if someone betrays you can you ever trust them again.
Depends on the nature of the betrayal but I like to think that eventually I could reach a point of cautious trust at least. Trusting people is always a risk anyway imo so I try to keep that in mind any time I trust anyone period.

 

[Auri]

Hi everyone Hope you're all having a beautiful evening/day!

​

1. would you prefer to live for love and be broke or without love and be rich.
I don't care about being "rich", but being broke scares the hell out of me, I think there's a nice middle ground, lol. That being said, with genuine love (in the broad sense, like including family or friends), you can get through anything, including being broke for some time.

2. why is it that men look older than women.
Do they? I dunno, perhaps cause women tend to use more hair/skin products to look younger because of the pressure put on them to look young... but I don't think it's the case au naturel.

3. can you forgive yourself if you do something bad.
For little things, yeah, especially if I can still make things right. For more important things, generally it's a lifelong struggle.

4. can people really change if they try.
Sure, they have the ability to grow and improve, but not everyone wants to do so.

5. if someone betrays you can you ever trust them again.
I don't know, it depends on what they did? I'm pretty big on forgiveness and stuff, but for me to call something a "betrayal", it has to be really really bad, so perhaps I wouldn't trust them anymore, no. I'd forgive easily, but trust again? Unlikely.
There's also levels in "trust", I can trust them less than I did, but still trust them to a certain extent, with certain things? Usually people call "incomplete trust" not trusting at all, though.

 

[Dante]

1. would you prefer to live for love and be broke or without love and be rich.

Im already as good as broke at the moment, and if I was offered guaranteed love, or guaranteed riches right now, I would choose the love.

2. why is it that men look older than women.

They dont, the men in my family look especially young, whilst the women look especially old (not sure why) When my sister was 13 she was already being mistaken as an adult, but Im days from 31 and I look like early to mid 20s. My dad is the same, he is almost 70, and he looks 50 at most. People look old or young depending on them.

3. can you forgive yourself if you do something bad.

Yes and no.
I have inherited a very powerful self-rationalisation engine from my dad, I do something bad, and hurt someone and they get angry at me, within 20 seconds I have convinced myself they are the cause of it and I am innocent, I really started to notice it at work at University and put a stop to it immediately, very occasionally it still wins, so yes, in those instanced I forgive myself very easily, both otherwise, no, I still hold myself accountable for any mistakes I made since maybe 15 years old.

I have accumulated some strong negatives in my ledger in the last 16 years, and thinking back to them I still feel guilt.

4. can people really change if they try.

Yes, it is possible. I have tried to change a LOT about myself but I think I can point at 2 big successes.

1) I have Aspergers and as such I was a very expressionless child and very bad at communicating, but I started practicing conversations to myself whenever I was alone, replaying conversations I had preciously had and trying different responses, attempting to predict their replies to those responses, rehearsing saying my part in different ways with different intonations to see which felt more natural, later I moved onto thought exercises and ways to come up with things to talk or ask about about to keep a conversation going naturally, I have been doing this for at least 20 years, I still do it today (though nowadays I focus on the odd or unlikely conversations, ones I have had little to no practice with) As a result, I have been told I can be quite smooth and charming (I have stories ^^), and at times a little too expressive.

2) I was bullied at school and with me being already quite awkward socially it made me very shy and withdrawn, after several years of this (about 6 or 7 years) I got sick of it, I hated being shy so I "fixed" it. I threw myself into every situation that is hell for a shy person, made myself the centre of attention never turned down an invitation to go out to bars or clubs or social events, and it was nerve-wracking and exhausting, but at the same time nothing terrible happened. Sure I made a fool of myself occasionally and there were awkward moments, but I wasn't ostracised or ridiculed, essentially when I faltered the conversation shifted from me to the next person, there were no consequences. I got progressively more confident after that to the point where, as an open challenge, I let my friends dictate what chat up lines I would use in bars, anything goes, I used them all (and got a fair few numbers).

I have failed miserably on several other fronts like my temper, my over-active stress response, my fear of real intimacy, and oh so many aspects of aspergers which refuse to be fixed, but with enough dedication and YEARS of effort, you can change, the habits you FORCE yourself into over and over eventually become your standard responses to situations.

5. if someone betrays you can you ever trust them again.

No* I don't particularly hold a grudge, I just use past behaviour to inform on potential future behaviour, regardless of the reason they have demonstrated a willingness to betray me, so they may find another reason to do so in the future.

*There are some exceptions to this, but requires me to know them VERY well.

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

1. would you prefer to live for love and be broke or without love and be rich.
The love option for sure, although it has been proven many times that I can't be loved.

2. why is it that men look older than women.
I feel like it's more of a case by case basis. Some people age more slowly than others.

3. can you forgive yourself if you do something bad.
Sure, but I'll beat myself up until doomsday, even if it is something small.

4. can people really change if they try.
If they really put in the effort, then I think they can.

5. if someone betrays you can you ever trust them again
It's hard enough for me to trust people at this point. Hurting me shows me their real colors.

 

[Livelife]

Thank you @Lane and @1964dodge for the tags.

1) I believe that love is beyond what can be given to or from spouses or families. To experience what it would be like to come from a place of love most or all the time would be my choice. This morning I read a great letter by Einstein to his daughter about his Theory of Love. I choose love and as someone else said here, "as long as I'm not homeless".... or hungry.

I find that men mostly age much more attractively and gracefully physically than women once the 50's plus have arrived.

There are some things I've been able to completely understand from my youth years....forgive... no. Things on me and on others that affected me.

If the desire and commitment is there then change can be possible.

If someone betrays me they usually don't stay around to continue to engage with.

 

[Auri]

although it has been proven many times that I can't be loved.

I think this exactly proves numerous times that you can be loved, but perhaps there's reasons why holding a relationship is difficult for you. Those are not the same things at all.

 

[johnDoen]

ok some easy questions

1. would you prefer to live for love and be broke or without love and be rich.

2. why is it that men look older than women.

3. can you forgive yourself if you do something bad.

4. can people really change if they try.

5. if someone betrays you can you ever trust them again.

I have been summoned, by cookies decorated with condensed milk, strawberries and tea, I guess?

As for the questions:

1. I guess the first, if possible.
2. The beard, I guess.
3. That would take a while and some swearing in isolation.
4. I'm doing things to change now. It's not easy. I'm supposed to be back to work.
5. That would take a while, some serious face-to-face talking and an oath, either verbal or written.

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

I think this exactly proves numerous times that you can be loved, but perhaps there's reasons why holding a relationship is difficult for you. Those are not the same things at all.

I can't think of what it is, but it seems too easy for people to give up on me. That makes me think I'm not worthy of being loved.

 

[Baywasp]

Thanks for the tag @1964dodge
Hi everyone. I'm too lazy to answer these questions , but I wanted to say hello.

 

[1964dodge]

Thanks for the tag @1964dodge
Hi everyone. I'm too lazy to answer these questions , but I wanted to say hello.

hello

 

[KM76710]

I think this exactly proves numerous times that you can be loved, but perhaps there's reasons why holding a relationship is difficult for you. Those are not the same things at all.

I admit I don't feel love, but fond of, absolutely, so I am in agreement with you.

 

[MisterBGone]

1.) I want Money, lots & lots of $ : ) / I wanna fly through the sky! (I want to be RICH); la la, la la la la laaah..~

 

[MisterBGone]

Oh, lost the Number now. . . -but I'm reminded of the time in grad school, when one of our roommates was causing everyone who moved in, and then subsequently out, due to her ~let's kindly call them "tendencies?" ;D (but what one of my other rommates said to me, kind of summbed it up best _'How do You, Stop being... YOU?!?' Brilliant- i thought. . And have wanted to steal & use it, evvefr since: but have just been waiting for the righ t opportu nity (the year was probably 2003!). Patience-
p.s.) ah, Yes! this was in response to her convo w/him, in which she went "but I CAN CHANGE! . ." Oh, she was a grating one on the soul & not so calming, on the nerves~

 

[Auri]

I can't think of what it is, but it seems too easy for people to give up on me. That makes me think I'm not worthy of being loved.

People break up all the time, but their worth of being loved doesn't change. It's good to know the reasons why people broke up, to learn and not make the same mistakes again (the actual practical reasons, not "I didn't deserve it" or some bs like that). No one is born with all the skills it takes to maintain a healthy and long relationship.

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

People break up all the time, but their worth of being loved doesn't change. It's good to know the reasons why people broke up, to learn and not make the same mistakes again (the actual practical reasons, not "I didn't deserve it" or some bs like that). No one is born with all the skills it takes to maintain a healthy and long relationship.

It's happened enough to where I know it's never going to work out. That's all the proof I really need.

 

[dandelions]

It's happened enough to where I know it's never going to work out. That's all the proof I really need.

Witty, I can't help feeling that you are putting too much faith in proof - or as you put it, "all the proof you really need". Because you still need the proof to the contrary. There's no way that better proof is not still out there and coming your way. You may have to watch for it... so I hope you don't convince yourself to not see it when it does arrive...

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

Witty, I can't help feeling that you are putting too much faith in proof - or as you put it, "all the proof you really need". Because you still need the proof to the contrary. There's no way that better proof is not still out there and coming your way. You may have to watch for it... so I hope you don't convince yourself to not see it when it does arrive...

I guess part of it is that I don't intend to live long enough to find love, or do much of anything else. So that's part of why I don't care if I find it.

 

[dandelions]

I guess part of it is that I don't intend to live long enough to find love, or do much of anything else. So that's part of why I don't care if I find it.

I never "intended" to reach 68 but presto, here I am. What is clear is that stuff happens along the way and despite outlook, some of it is good!🌞😸

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

I never "intended" to reach 68 but presto, here I am. What is clear is that stuff happens along the way and despite outlook, some of it is good!🌞😸

I hope I can make it at least as far as you. Just hard to see that right now.

 

[dandelions]

I hope I can make it at least as far as you. Just hard to see that right now.

I'm not gunna say don't worry or rest assured, but you are a known nice person and nice people don't exclusively get dumped on. Like I said, stuff happens along the way and some of it is good. 🌞