leaving hospitalization?

[Allie123]

So I survived a suicide attempt and then somehow managed to convince my therapist I didn't need inpatient - but a partial hospitalization program.

Anyways, I absolutely love the partial program. I've met so many really sweet patients I've connected with, and all the therapists and doctors and psychiatrists are sooo kind and helpful. I feel like I've grown a lot.

But here's the problem - I'm being discharged on tuesday. Anxiety is one of my core problems, so the idea of going back to 'real life' and 'school' terrifies me. I've found myself worsening behaviors (SI, disordered eating) and I worry I'm doing it intentionally so that I won't get discharged.

In DBT we learn not to judge our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, but to accept them, work to understand them, and then decide if their is a more effective way to deal with crises. I'm trying not to judge myself for this, but I feel angry and frustrated towards myself. Why don't I want to get well? What does well even mean to me? I want to want to get better... but I just don't.

anyone have any advice? Or simply just an 'I've been there'?

 

[LotusFlower]

I have been there and am there. I so badly want to get better. I try so hard, I work with several diffrent programs. I think sometimes no matter how bad we want to get better and how quickly we want it to happen, that it just doesn't work like that. We take two steps forward and five back. It is a agonizingly slow process. Just keep trying and working at it. It may take years but I believe it will happen one day. I have to believe that because I can't live with the alternative.

 

[pinkpetals33]

undoubtedly, it will take a few days for teh enviornment adjustment. It's not a race so don't feel pressured to get everything familiar again. Post therapy/hospitilization is the where the real "results" begin. How we apply our coping mechanisms into everday life....people, places and things.

It's important to inform those around you that you are adjusting and you many need a little "breathing air." Know that therapy/hositalization are always available resources and let them know that you're feeling "iffy." Just as you felt tat sense of safeness and belonging there, it will be a little more work to create your life outside of those walls.

How do you family/friends play a role in all this?

 

[Stranger1]

Can you ask the shrinks if there are any group therapies around where you live.. It works for alot of people.. I tried it but my socialphobia and agoraphobia were just to strong I couldn't stay with it.. Especially when one lady in there told me my thoughts were unacceptable..I never went back after that..

 

[total eclipse]

a outpatient therapy program may just what you need. You can meet new people dealing with their problems on the outside now. It is not that you don't want to get well it is just you are use to feeling a certain way so this new way of feeling is different and uncomforable a bit. Keep in touch with your doctor keep communicating how you are doing so you can continue to move forward okay. take care

 

[Allie123]

Thanks guys. I have one more day left, and I'm actually feeling much better about it now. I still don't want to leave, but I feel ready, I'm just going to miss the lovely environment and people I met there!

I actually do have a really great outpatient system - I have a therapist I see weekly, I got a new psychiatrist who I'll see wed (I hated my old one lol!) and they have weekly after-hospitalization care groups for 6 months at the program I'm at, so hopefully that'll help to wean me off of it a bit... and perhaps I'll still see some of the women I've met.

My family is doing their best through all of this. I hide so much from them, but I live within their home. My parents are my best friends, and I love to hang out with them (we have so much fun together!), but I'm just so uncomfortable talking to them about my "weaknesses." They don't know very much (including my suicide attempt) and I'm not sure I'll ever tell them the details. But them knowing that I'm struggling is still hugely helpful.

I'm scared this feeling won't last forever, and that its only a matter of time before I realize that I deserve to die. But I'm going to savor this feeling of confidence while I've got it..

 

[Allie123]

fuck that. total relapse. *sigh*