Living versus dying

[Xeloda]

Hi.
Background about me:-
Master of pharmacy student.. been in university for 8 years. Tired of studying.
- Typical nagging mother.Always put me down when I was young. Common phrases were "you're a devil child!" (all because I don't put away cups / plates when she wants me to the moment she asks).
- Mild schizophrenic father (has delusions of grandeur - believes he is the second coming of christ.. will be crowned king of china.. hears voices) and is also alcoholic (brews his own beer and drinks 3 stouts a day).
- Friends are ok - fun to be with. Care about them.
- Have a part time job - also fun, nice to help people.
- Have a dog that I love - he's 8 years old - starting to get arthritis.

Have had a nagging thought of dying for the past 8 months via:
1. <mod edit Robin - Method> and then just going (this way I would be asleep & not know I'm choking to death)
or
2. <mod edit Robin - Method> and never wake up
3. <mod edit Robin - Method> (again, being asleep you won't realise you're breathing water).

Basically nothing dramatic - quiet, easy, indepedent.

Why I haven't done it yet?
1. Because my long time boyfriend keeps asking me to wait another week..and so forth and so forth..
2. I am never left alone to do anything like that and I want to find a private spot so I don't shock the family and give them criminal suspicion (if i was to do it in the house then the cops will come and get suspicious and bla bla?) and also don't want to shock the family to find me dead - rather a stranger - and then they can just be informed.

1. I realise life isnt that bad. Others have it worse. but:
Why I think ' why not? " - counter arguments to the famous lines:

i) Yes people get upset.. yes the people I love get sad...
==> but.. if you're dead.. you're dead.. so.. doesn't affect you then?
ii) Its selfish to hurt / bring sorrow to the ones you love!
==> Well, people die anyway.. grandfathers.. aunties.. uncles.. its sad.. but.. over time they get over it... fond memories.. sad memories.. all memories.. life goes on regardless
iii) There's so much good things in life!
==> yet at the same time- Just don't see the point? Happiness is just an emotion.. and if you're dead, you don't feel either happy or sad.. coz.. life's over?
iv) It's just an inability to cope with stress... not a bad thing!
==>True.. but I mean, by dying, then you dont have to deal with anything. It's quite a good resolution.
v) Try talking to someone ! (Like a psychologist!)
==> Well, lots of yada yada about how to 'time manage' duties and responsibilities.. taking time out.. taking 'quality time/me time' - do things you enjoy...
But still - why bother? I'm not saying happiness is a nice feeling. It is. But.. why bother?
To live in life you have to work, do daily chores.. eat.. defacate.. sleep..
Food is nice -there is good food - but that costs money. And to get money you need to work. And to work you need to take out time to work . And when you work you're working for a business to give some higher person money. And all of this is to live. Seeing friends require fuel.. money for lunches.. money for presents.. I could earn $65k / p.a. but ..
I mean.. if you dont live.. you don't have to work.. you don't have to eat.. you don't have to do anything. Because you're dead.

And even if I were to die today.. this post will just be put back amongst the pages of other posts.. or deleted.

So really...

1 person dying is just a statistic.. and life goes on..

Discuss.

 

[Robin]

Eternity is a pretty long time and we will get to experience all of it apart from a few short years on earth, sometimes you need to break the monotony.

 

[Xeloda]

Eternity is a long time.

But why do we have to live it?

Isn't it personal choice?

Ultimately, its each person's right to, isnt it?

If a person committed suicide.. there's no crime.

Attempted suicide = admission to the psych ward.

But its not illegal.

We have a right to choose don't we?

 

[Xeloda]

And I do love like there's no tomorrow.

But why bother with tomorrow?

We don't have to live day by day.

There's no law saying we have to.

Accidents happen everyday.

Unfortunate ones can happen too.

Doing dare devil / high risk sporting events (car racing, rock climbing, driving) has the highest statistics of fatality.

Whats the difference between a 'random' accident - and a willed accident?

Ultimately it ends in death...

"Live today like there's no tomorrow" - but why bother living tomorrow? Our bodies are dying. We're biological cells. Everything ends. Why drag it out when you don't have to?

 

[Xeloda]

I had a nice chat with one of the moderators.

I feel a little better. but words are just words.

its only momentary.

Established that I'm more depressive rather than suicidal.

I guess its stemming from finding my own meaning of life.

Until I find it... all I will say is that if something happens to me today, or tonight or tomorrow that ends in the cessation of life.. then good.

I think behind all the emotions of living and feeling and breathing.. ultimately there is nothing really. We're just making excuses to keep on living.

Why make excuses to live?

It would be good to die. And nobody has been able to say anything against that.

Death = ultimate = the end = case closed.

If an accident happens, I hope its complete.

Until then I'm just going to be annoyed with living.