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Loneliness is literally killing me...
- Thread starter painfully
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I received the complaint a few hours ago and have been redacting my reply since... But basically its what I expected. A generic description of what happened, omitting all the details, and lots of "i feel". no brain, just feel. ofc, what would you expect from someone who did this, a brain?
My reply should basically be "yes, lots of "i feel", but you didnt say anything until shit hit the fan". I just finished he goddamn reply, 3 hours, tons of chatgpt usage and, but essentially i made it say what i want, although sadly i had to not say that she should take responsibility for either not saying something, or if not say something, dont blame the other for you lacking.
The only thing I can do is tell the truth, but ofc its her word against mine... I basically explained EVERYTHING in excruciating detail, so they can see im not fucking crazy, that she said yes all the time.
My boss, the one who often i talk to, avoided talking to me for 2 days, which is weird cause we talk every day... Although he told me he would talk to me today... But I received support from where I wasnt expecting. Basically, the ofice is: boss of company, boss, admin woman 1, admin woman 2, admin guy, me... So everybody knows... Well, everybody knows that something about sexual harassment happened, which is the worst. I dont know what they think... Admin guy is the one who gave me the paper and told me to write a reply, and he listened to me WITHOUT JUDING, which almost made me cry.
My reply should basically be "yes, lots of "i feel", but you didnt say anything until shit hit the fan". I just finished he goddamn reply, 3 hours, tons of chatgpt usage and, but essentially i made it say what i want, although sadly i had to not say that she should take responsibility for either not saying something, or if not say something, dont blame the other for you lacking.
The only thing I can do is tell the truth, but ofc its her word against mine... I basically explained EVERYTHING in excruciating detail, so they can see im not fucking crazy, that she said yes all the time.
My boss, the one who often i talk to, avoided talking to me for 2 days, which is weird cause we talk every day... Although he told me he would talk to me today... But I received support from where I wasnt expecting. Basically, the ofice is: boss of company, boss, admin woman 1, admin woman 2, admin guy, me... So everybody knows... Well, everybody knows that something about sexual harassment happened, which is the worst. I dont know what they think... Admin guy is the one who gave me the paper and told me to write a reply, and he listened to me WITHOUT JUDING, which almost made me cry.
i suppose it was easy for him to listen to me without judging. we talk often and he knows me... he knows that i might be "special", i a way that i say sometimes "unfortunate" stuff, but that essentially im fundamentally an honest person... and that "unfortunate" stuff usually its what im thinking, which i should not say so often, but its hard.
he even told her that its impossible that i had any ill intent towards her, that im not like that... which tbh is impressive and its making me cry while i write this...
he even told her that its impossible that i had any ill intent towards her, that im not like that... which tbh is impressive and its making me cry while i write this...
I dont know. The company boss doesnt come here often. I dont know if he will come today... So whenever he comes... Then I suppose he will send my reply to the lawyer and shit...
In this company they know i have asperger and im a bit "special". I dont like it, because as i said, basically its that im much more honest than i should be, and I dont think that to be something too bad. sometimes it is, but i dont think it was in this case. Thing is, someone told her her im a bit "special" without describing it and she said that, that she gave me a "pass" because of that. But turns out, if she really thought that of me, then with more reason she should have said something in a very clear manner. Her defense is that in one hug she "gave less"... All the hugs were with very little touch and distant (i tried to not make her uncomfortable), so if she gave 1 milimeter less, I cant fucking really tell, special or not. And if she giggles afterwards, it makes it worse....
I dont know how will it go either.
In this company they know i have asperger and im a bit "special". I dont like it, because as i said, basically its that im much more honest than i should be, and I dont think that to be something too bad. sometimes it is, but i dont think it was in this case. Thing is, someone told her her im a bit "special" without describing it and she said that, that she gave me a "pass" because of that. But turns out, if she really thought that of me, then with more reason she should have said something in a very clear manner. Her defense is that in one hug she "gave less"... All the hugs were with very little touch and distant (i tried to not make her uncomfortable), so if she gave 1 milimeter less, I cant fucking really tell, special or not. And if she giggles afterwards, it makes it worse....
I dont know how will it go either.
The boss 1 came today but didnt say anything about it, he was here a short while just talking about business stuff. My boss 2, i have talked very little with him the past days, which is... not usual. I wonder if hes avoiding me. He didnt come here today, which is normal, some days hes always away, but sometimes he calls me to ask about some things in the computer. I mean, this situation can be normal and he could not be avoiding me. and told me 2 days ago we would talk about this, but he really doenst take any decisions, so talking to him is not mandatory, its more personal. Also... next 2 weeks hes on vacation...
Boss 1 has been treating me normally. Although he never talks to me, just say hi or bye, but he didnt stop with that, and the tone or anything changed.
Im a bit confused about admin woman 2. Shes the one who received the complaint, although Im not sure if she did read the paper the woman presented... But shes treating me normal, I think... I dont know what she thinks of me. Since we are only 3 in the office: admin woman 2, admin guy (who suported me) and me, i was tempted to just go upstairs and say "okay, lets talk about this" and explain my part, but its very embarrassing. Admin woman 1 is on vacation and she doesnt take any part in this... Legally, she doesnt have to know... But they will tell her... I dont know what she will think of me. Shes been nice to me and knows I have asperger, and her daughter has autism too... But with this "sexual" man-woman thing you never know... And i really dont want to use my asperger as a defense, I dont think I did anything wrong. I was and am 100% honest all the time.
I hate that my only defense is to tell the full truth with all the details, its very embarrassing... I guess this part is my fault, I shouldnt have done anything at all... But if you go with this logic, this girl who has a bf, would have never have had a boyfriend... But you know, society is fucking crazy... Cant apply this logic...
Boss 1 has been treating me normally. Although he never talks to me, just say hi or bye, but he didnt stop with that, and the tone or anything changed.
Im a bit confused about admin woman 2. Shes the one who received the complaint, although Im not sure if she did read the paper the woman presented... But shes treating me normal, I think... I dont know what she thinks of me. Since we are only 3 in the office: admin woman 2, admin guy (who suported me) and me, i was tempted to just go upstairs and say "okay, lets talk about this" and explain my part, but its very embarrassing. Admin woman 1 is on vacation and she doesnt take any part in this... Legally, she doesnt have to know... But they will tell her... I dont know what she will think of me. Shes been nice to me and knows I have asperger, and her daughter has autism too... But with this "sexual" man-woman thing you never know... And i really dont want to use my asperger as a defense, I dont think I did anything wrong. I was and am 100% honest all the time.
I hate that my only defense is to tell the full truth with all the details, its very embarrassing... I guess this part is my fault, I shouldnt have done anything at all... But if you go with this logic, this girl who has a bf, would have never have had a boyfriend... But you know, society is fucking crazy... Cant apply this logic...
fucking great... admin woman 1 came back from vacation. i thought she was going to be in vacation for at least 2 weeks, and this harassment bullshit would have ended by then. it doesnt have to mean anything, but it makes me nervous that someone else is going to be inside this shit.
its very cruel that they havent "decided" or "finished" this shit yet. when you label someone with sexual harassment, you really damage his reputation, and the longer it goes the worse... if hes innocent, the fairest thing would be to investigate and everything and do it as fast as possible. and its also cruel not knowing if ill be without a job or not... idk what the fuck they expect, for me to keep working as always not knowing if tomorrow ill have a fucking job or not... do they expect for me to not search for a new job when they cant tell me if they are going to fire me?
im working much less than normal, im just watching videos and shit... i feel guilty about it, but i shouldnt feel guilty. im just stupid.
when i received the complaint and wrote the first text i was so worried that i started searching for a job and sent signals in linkedin and others... then after a couple of days i calmed down and stopped and deleted the signals. received 3 "opportunities". idk how to call them, they arent really offers since they arent offering the job, but an interview. one what far away and rejected it, the other had very little info and just now i texted them telling them yes to a phone call, and another one which was... not a recruiter but what seemed to be a higher up from medium-big company. he just said "call me at this number", which has me very curious. i called him but im waiting his call now. i mean, it will probably wont give me more money than im getting paid now, chances are low, im sadly "well paid". sadly because this "well paid" its still shit in this country and its probably the peak of what ill ever earn. for earning more you need to be social and stuff.
idk what i should do... im so stupid that going away makes me feel like im betraying them. im THAT stupid, i cant believe it... but really, i shouldnt ever stop searching for a higher paying job, even if the chance is small... its just, just having my profile open and receiving "opportunities" without doing anything is stressful... im so pathetic...
also its what i said previously, i have to ask for a mortgage and i need at least to hold a job for 1 year, which is this one. if i switch, they wont give it to me. i have a plan b if i cant ask for the mortgage, which i wish i didnt have, but its risky...
and meanwhile, all this shit just to be kept alive with this fucking loneliness...
its very cruel that they havent "decided" or "finished" this shit yet. when you label someone with sexual harassment, you really damage his reputation, and the longer it goes the worse... if hes innocent, the fairest thing would be to investigate and everything and do it as fast as possible. and its also cruel not knowing if ill be without a job or not... idk what the fuck they expect, for me to keep working as always not knowing if tomorrow ill have a fucking job or not... do they expect for me to not search for a new job when they cant tell me if they are going to fire me?
im working much less than normal, im just watching videos and shit... i feel guilty about it, but i shouldnt feel guilty. im just stupid.
when i received the complaint and wrote the first text i was so worried that i started searching for a job and sent signals in linkedin and others... then after a couple of days i calmed down and stopped and deleted the signals. received 3 "opportunities". idk how to call them, they arent really offers since they arent offering the job, but an interview. one what far away and rejected it, the other had very little info and just now i texted them telling them yes to a phone call, and another one which was... not a recruiter but what seemed to be a higher up from medium-big company. he just said "call me at this number", which has me very curious. i called him but im waiting his call now. i mean, it will probably wont give me more money than im getting paid now, chances are low, im sadly "well paid". sadly because this "well paid" its still shit in this country and its probably the peak of what ill ever earn. for earning more you need to be social and stuff.
idk what i should do... im so stupid that going away makes me feel like im betraying them. im THAT stupid, i cant believe it... but really, i shouldnt ever stop searching for a higher paying job, even if the chance is small... its just, just having my profile open and receiving "opportunities" without doing anything is stressful... im so pathetic...
also its what i said previously, i have to ask for a mortgage and i need at least to hold a job for 1 year, which is this one. if i switch, they wont give it to me. i have a plan b if i cant ask for the mortgage, which i wish i didnt have, but its risky...
and meanwhile, all this shit just to be kept alive with this fucking loneliness...
edit2: i found in the internet a job posting in this company that fits what the guy was saying and my formation. im pretty sure its this one. and the money... the maximum salary is what i already make here with what it seems way more responsibility, and i doubt they will offer the maximum. i was a bit hopeful, but i knew i wasnt getting more money... if anything, the only thing i can bank on is that they say it has formation and growth, and since its a big company maybe i could get promoted some day, but i dont know how realistic is that...
basically, im going to be poor forever...
basically, im going to be poor forever...
fuck. admin woman 1 came down the stairs to talk to me and said "2 things" and i was absolutely nervous and my heart beating fast... it was nothing related to the harassment bs, so it was ok, but im very scared. as i said, im more calm now after the 1st day, but I REALLY dont know what will happen, if they will fire me or what.
Next week is vacation for the company and next one is vacation for me and Im starting to think that they wont say anything until after. Not cause anything particular, but because thats how they work, leaving things... Which is not very good for this situation...
I have been "talking" with a girl for months. The first days we talked for a while but she started her year of college and got stressed and couldnt talk anymore. She from canada, has autism and OCD and ADHD, which takes all her time for the day. There was affection going on, and the will to cuddle and stuff, even tho it was impossible. I tried to talk to her from time to time and it was hard holding her attention... Well, at least this part is true... I knew a relationship was impossible, thats why I never mentioned her... And talking so little, like a couple of phrases a week doesnt make me feel less lonely... and that after I basically have to force her attention...
I thought she didnt talk with anyone else, but turns out she did... And she liked some guy who treated her bad... And I felt like shit... I thought I was more important to her that I actually was... I know we couldnt have been in a relationship, but it still hurts and makes me cry...
and ofc... after all afternoon and night sleeping, i wake up to 0 notifications, as always...
And whatever... With her or without her, im extremely lonely... I just want the apartment stuff to end to be finally be free to do it... But it will take a goddamn year...
I just want to cry and die...
I have been "talking" with a girl for months. The first days we talked for a while but she started her year of college and got stressed and couldnt talk anymore. She from canada, has autism and OCD and ADHD, which takes all her time for the day. There was affection going on, and the will to cuddle and stuff, even tho it was impossible. I tried to talk to her from time to time and it was hard holding her attention... Well, at least this part is true... I knew a relationship was impossible, thats why I never mentioned her... And talking so little, like a couple of phrases a week doesnt make me feel less lonely... and that after I basically have to force her attention...
I thought she didnt talk with anyone else, but turns out she did... And she liked some guy who treated her bad... And I felt like shit... I thought I was more important to her that I actually was... I know we couldnt have been in a relationship, but it still hurts and makes me cry...
and ofc... after all afternoon and night sleeping, i wake up to 0 notifications, as always...
And whatever... With her or without her, im extremely lonely... I just want the apartment stuff to end to be finally be free to do it... But it will take a goddamn year...
I just want to cry and die...
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i also started searching again the suicidewatch and depression reddits... its a lot of work, i hate it... i read most of the post and try to message someone if i think there can be a connection... you know, autism, loneliness, depression, bpd... idk how many posts there are per day, but the statistic is usually to message one person or less per day... i checked all last week and messaged 4 between the 2 subs... and none of them replied back... and i always send a message introducing myself and why i contact them, its not just a hello... its exhausting...
i alsowas told this several days ago by this girl i mentioned... but now i feel like a true retard for believing it... "i don’t understand why more women don’t just want to… smother you with kisses snd hugs and love snd warmth"
i just want to cry... im so lonely... im unwanted... im trash... always in the fucking way...
i alsowas told this several days ago by this girl i mentioned... but now i feel like a true retard for believing it... "i don’t understand why more women don’t just want to… smother you with kisses snd hugs and love snd warmth"
i just want to cry... im so lonely... im unwanted... im trash... always in the fucking way...
