To make it short, Im a 35 yo guy from Spain. I have been all my life alone, and I tried a lot talking to girls in the internet. Why internet? Cause I dont see the point irl or wouldnt even know where to go, due to how I am. I have asperger, depression, social anxiety, BPD and Im very introverted. I dont like to go outside, I cant really have hobbies cause I barely have strength to live, and everything is mentally taxing, so nothing interests me much
and I do not feel the need for friends or family, which makes me not liking socializing and not getting anything out of it, nothing but tiredness. But I have this massive emptiness of needing a girl to both love and be loved, to give and receive tons of affection, to share my monotone every day. To support each other... And not having this is really killing me. It causes a ton of suffering, enough for me to wanting to die... I have been so many years alone and suffered so much because of it that Im also full of traumas and mental scars due to it... I cant keep going much more, Im too old for this...
I messaged so many girls that I dont want to say the number cause Im ashamed of it, but all I did was try to find somebody... Most dont reply, and the few who reply is to tell me a hard no, or to be friends, which is the equivalent of being rejected. Im not stupid and I ofc dont expect a relationship right away, I understand it takes time, but the problem is that no one leaves the oportunity open for me, they put a hard cap on it "friendship and nothing else ever", and its just straight up rejection...
I want to describe the 2 girls I interacted in the last few hours...
Messaged one from r/mentalhealth that was suffering... We talked for 3 hours. She told me a lot of herself and she actually put effort in talking, which was nice, cause Im so tired of pulling the conversations. She tells me what causes her suffering and I tell what causes mine, and tell her that no woman wants me cause Im weak, needy, I dont like to socialize and stuff, and women dont want that... She starts telling me that not all women are the same, that some like that... I tell her that even if some like some trait, I have too many bad things... She tells me that Im nice and sensitive and idk, other things that are supposedly good... I insist that despite that, the result is the same, and its not by chance or lack of trying... She also says that she does not want a relationship. Sorry, but I dont buy this. Im always told the same and Im not stupid. Its statistically impossible that every single women I talk to doesnt want a relationship. Its just an excuse to reject me. Maybe she actually thinks that, but if someone she considered super atractive inside and outside asked her out, she wouldnt tell him "Im not looking for a relationship".
Anyway, I have to go to sleep, I tell her so and say goodbye... And I wake up and see that she has blocked me... So fuck it. All that "great and nice" and fucking shit was for nothing.
I wake up and receive an unexpected message from some random girl... She doesnt even want to talk or anything, she saw my post and said that it touched her soul and wanted to message me... She told me that Im great and Im enough and loved and there is somebody for me and idk how much else bullshit. I say bullshit, yes, because this feels like an insult. In fact, the message was so positive and said so many things that it felt much more insulting. The structure was the same as the last girl, and as it always is, of course. The structure is "you are great and nice but I dont want you" in fucking essence. She even threw the "I hope I can find somebody like you"... Fucking seriously? Why not me? Ofc I know the answer. She doesnt want somebody like me, she wants somebody that she sees as attractive and strong, and then have some of my traits. This message was me being rejected without even asking or messaging her...
This is how it always go. Im so "great" and so much bullshit but Im always rejected and alone. In fact, if I go by how Im treated and how alone I am, I would say that what I am is disgusting. Because nobody wants me or even gives me a chance. And when they say they want to be friends its cause they want me to entertain them, cause when Im in good mood I can be somewhat entertaining and nice... So they want that, my energy, my pain and suffering just for their entertainment. They dont want ME.
like I said in the other post, Im very affectionate when I THINK IM receiving affectionate and Im being accepted... Which happened with some other girl, that she seemed to correspond me, but after a week of talking she told me she didnt say anything cause she didnt want me to stop being nice... What a way to use me like a fucking shit...
I need someone to accept me, to want me, with all my flaws. I cannot lie and I cannot play "the game" (of bullshit dating and pretending), and even if I could, it would be useless cause I need to feel accepted for what I am, not for what I can bullshit...
I try to repost in reddit an intro in the appropriate reddit for this, which is the following...
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Anyway, Im too old for this, for distractions or whatever... I dont even know why I have set my date so far out in the next months, probably early 2027. There are things that I want to leave in order, thats why, but it doesnt even matter. I should have killed myself when I was young to avoid all this pain and I feel like a coward for not having done it, and not doing it right now... I dont even know why I still keep searching. I havent found anyone in my nearly 36 years, the chance that Ill find someone in the next are not even worth considering...
Im a coward. And nobody wants me...
