Loneliness is literally killing me...

[painfully]

She didnt come today. I dont think its the time thing... She is just tired or avoiding. I think shes avoidant... I would think that living together that would nullify it, but in a ldr its hell for me...

I know its best not to assume... But I cant help it...

 

[painfully]

she didnt come in the last 2 days... tbh i dont see much future in this... it hurts a lot... but its not like i have alternatives...

 

[painfully]

searching on reddit i keep reading posts that make me cry... posts of girls loving guys...

- a girl that thinks that his bf is just the best guy ever, just loves him with all her heart

- a girl that thinks that his bf is too good for her and she is in pain cause of this

- a girl that gave a passionate speech in the funeral of his father's friend cause she had a relationship with him and took her virginity... the guy was old and she young...

- a 19 yo girl that talked with a 62 old guy and said he was her very good friend for months but stopped talking to him cause he talked to minors... but she talked about him like she was interested romantically...

- a 17 yo girl in love with a 33 yo guy who mistreats her and talks with other minors sexually... and he even raped one...

these are just some examples... i read so much stuff... i dont search for it, i just try to find someone who might want me... but i keep stumbling upon this kind of shit and it makes me cry... i also read girls loving literal convicted rapists, guys who mistreat them and do all kind of bad shit...
girls can love and want all of them... but no one wants me.. because im the worst trash imaginable... much worse than any of that... im weak and needy and thats the worst sin....

nobody wants me...

 

[may71]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

If you start comparing yourself to others and imagining their lives being happier than yours, it's a recipe for misery. A lot of people have disastrous relationships and it's nothing to envy. It's not that no one has good relationship, but rather that it's easy to a trap of thinking everyone else is in a relationship and that relationships are the source of all happiness and no misery.

I hope you can feel better soon.

 

[painfully]

Its not just comparing, is that I lack this thing that is killing me, but other people have it so much.. Meanwhile I have to put so much effort in everything, in finding, in combing the fucking internet every day, in showing a ton of interest, in carrying conversations... And these people just have it...

Nobody wants me...

 

[may71]

I hope things can get better somehow

 

[painfully]

i just saw a reddit about fat guys fucking with girls... and it makes me cry... girls can be with literally anyone and want literally anyone... but me... im the worst trash imaginable...

i such a coward for not killing msyelf....

 

[may71]

girls can be with literally anyone and want literally anyone... but me... im the worst trash imaginable...

That's not true though. You're not the one exception that is unwanted. Lots of people have trouble finding good relationships.

Also, not being in a relationship doesn't make you trash.

 

[Leesa]

To make it short, Im a 35 yo guy from Spain. I have been all my life alone, and I tried a lot talking to girls in the internet. Why internet? Cause I dont see the point irl or wouldnt even know where to go, due to how I am. I have asperger, depression, social anxiety, BPD and Im very introverted. I dont like to go outside, I cant really have hobbies cause I barely have strength to live, and everything is mentally taxing, so nothing interests me much

and I do not feel the need for friends or family, which makes me not liking socializing and not getting anything out of it, nothing but tiredness. But I have this massive emptiness of needing a girl to both love and be loved, to give and receive tons of affection, to share my monotone every day. To support each other... And not having this is really killing me. It causes a ton of suffering, enough for me to wanting to die... I have been so many years alone and suffered so much because of it that Im also full of traumas and mental scars due to it... I cant keep going much more, Im too old for this...

I messaged so many girls that I dont want to say the number cause Im ashamed of it, but all I did was try to find somebody... Most dont reply, and the few who reply is to tell me a hard no, or to be friends, which is the equivalent of being rejected. Im not stupid and I ofc dont expect a relationship right away, I understand it takes time, but the problem is that no one leaves the oportunity open for me, they put a hard cap on it "friendship and nothing else ever", and its just straight up rejection...

I want to describe the 2 girls I interacted in the last few hours...

Messaged one from r/mentalhealth that was suffering... We talked for 3 hours. She told me a lot of herself and she actually put effort in talking, which was nice, cause Im so tired of pulling the conversations. She tells me what causes her suffering and I tell what causes mine, and tell her that no woman wants me cause Im weak, needy, I dont like to socialize and stuff, and women dont want that... She starts telling me that not all women are the same, that some like that... I tell her that even if some like some trait, I have too many bad things... She tells me that Im nice and sensitive and idk, other things that are supposedly good... I insist that despite that, the result is the same, and its not by chance or lack of trying... She also says that she does not want a relationship. Sorry, but I dont buy this. Im always told the same and Im not stupid. Its statistically impossible that every single women I talk to doesnt want a relationship. Its just an excuse to reject me. Maybe she actually thinks that, but if someone she considered super atractive inside and outside asked her out, she wouldnt tell him "Im not looking for a relationship".
Anyway, I have to go to sleep, I tell her so and say goodbye... And I wake up and see that she has blocked me... So fuck it. All that "great and nice" and fucking shit was for nothing.

I wake up and receive an unexpected message from some random girl... She doesnt even want to talk or anything, she saw my post and said that it touched her soul and wanted to message me... She told me that Im great and Im enough and loved and there is somebody for me and idk how much else bullshit. I say bullshit, yes, because this feels like an insult. In fact, the message was so positive and said so many things that it felt much more insulting. The structure was the same as the last girl, and as it always is, of course. The structure is "you are great and nice but I dont want you" in fucking essence. She even threw the "I hope I can find somebody like you"... Fucking seriously? Why not me? Ofc I know the answer. She doesnt want somebody like me, she wants somebody that she sees as attractive and strong, and then have some of my traits. This message was me being rejected without even asking or messaging her...

This is how it always go. Im so "great" and so much bullshit but Im always rejected and alone. In fact, if I go by how Im treated and how alone I am, I would say that what I am is disgusting. Because nobody wants me or even gives me a chance. And when they say they want to be friends its cause they want me to entertain them, cause when Im in good mood I can be somewhat entertaining and nice... So they want that, my energy, my pain and suffering just for their entertainment. They dont want ME.
like I said in the other post, Im very affectionate when I THINK IM receiving affectionate and Im being accepted... Which happened with some other girl, that she seemed to correspond me, but after a week of talking she told me she didnt say anything cause she didnt want me to stop being nice... What a way to use me like a fucking shit...

I need someone to accept me, to want me, with all my flaws. I cannot lie and I cannot play "the game" (of bullshit dating and pretending), and even if I could, it would be useless cause I need to feel accepted for what I am, not for what I can bullshit...

I try to repost in reddit an intro in the appropriate reddit for this, which is the following...
View attachment 74230

Anyway, Im too old for this, for distractions or whatever... I dont even know why I have set my date so far out in the next months, probably early 2027. There are things that I want to leave in order, thats why, but it doesnt even matter. I should have killed myself when I was young to avoid all this pain and I feel like a coward for not having done it, and not doing it right now... I dont even know why I still keep searching. I havent found anyone in my nearly 36 years, the chance that Ill find someone in the next are not even worth considering...

Im a coward. And nobody wants me...

I have absolutely no advice. Being 56 and across the Atlantic, I can tell you you're not alone in being alone. I have no one and never have. I think online dating isn't really a viable option anymore -- it's more just entertainment to some. I never did it because I had too much anxiety filling out a profile and didn't want to post a picture online. Life is cruel and unfair.

 

[Leesa]

i just saw a reddit about fat guys fucking with girls... and it makes me cry... girls can be with literally anyone and want literally anyone... but me... im the worst trash imaginable...

i such a coward for not killing msyelf....

Girls cannot be with anyone. You're reading something that leans towards men. Women are suffering as well. This isn't criticism, but it's a reality check that gets lost in social media. I am and have always been alone. I can be violently attacked but I do not understand relationships.

 

[painfully]

The girl still hasnt come, its been 9 days since she messaged me and 18 since we talked...

A girl messaged me cause she saw my message in reddit... She will come to barcelona to see the city next month... She seemed nice and I got my hopes up even if it was just for cuddling... But she wants kids and after talking to her, shes pretty normal and likes to go out and stuff... This is not the first time a woman has messaged me cause she wants kids... I strongly thing that if these women didnt want kids they wouldnt have messaged me... Its like they give me a pass if I can provide...

The loneliness hurts so much...

 

[Leesa]

The girl still hasnt come, its been 9 days since she messaged me and 18 since we talked...

A girl messaged me cause she saw my message in reddit... She will come to barcelona to see the city next month... She seemed nice and I got my hopes up even if it was just for cuddling... But she wants kids and after talking to her, shes pretty normal and likes to go out and stuff... This is not the first time a woman has messaged me cause she wants kids... I strongly thing that if these women didnt want kids they wouldnt have messaged me... Its like they give me a pass if I can provide...

The loneliness hurts so much...

So is the issue you want someone but no kids? Honestly, women who want kids are not giving someone a pass- it's the opposite.

 

[may71]

I strongly thing that if these women didnt want kids they wouldnt have messaged me... Its like they give me a pass if I can provide...

I think it's easy to feel used if a woman wants kids and the fact that you can provide for a family is a major factor in her interest in you.

Evolutionary biology seems to have conspired to produce women who want to become biological mothers (though also adoptive mothers too). This seems to be because if they didn't have the urge to have biological children, and didn't find husbands to help provide for and raise their children, their genes would have disappeared a long time ago. Men and what men are attracted to are also shaped by evolutionary biology.

If you don't want kids, it's ok to refuse a relationship with a woman who does, but I hope you won't blame them for wanting kids with a husband that can provide for a family.

 

[painfully]

She still hasnt come... I wonder if she will ever come back...

Since she has an eating disorder, it would fall on me to take care of her and the disorder... I hate to cook, but id have to learn to take care and force her to eat healthy...

Its always me who has to take care of someone else... Nobody takes care of me...

 

[may71]

I hope she'll come back, or things will get better soon in some other way.

 

[painfully]

a girl posted in an introvert reddit asking for friends... i messaged her and she replied and asked for my hobbies and how as i... i replied that i dont really have hobbies and that im lonely and she called me pathetic...

i know she is a trash person and that is pathetic to insult people like that, but it still hurts...

 

[painfully]

I saw a post by a woman who was raped when she was 12... she's been traumatized ever since... she feels weak and thinks she deserved it. She needs attention and listens to guys who tell her to cut herself and send photos for them to masturbate to...

I'm incapable of doing that... but even so, this woman wouldn't want me, yet she wants those guys who are trash and treat her poorly...

It makes me want to cry... when I say that women want everyone except me, I really mean it... it hurts so much...

 

[may71]

she called me pathetic...

That's really rude. I'm sorry that happened.

this woman wouldn't want me

Idk, maybe she would want you though.

 

[painfully]

Idk, maybe she would want you though.

I messaged her and she ignored me... She made another post where she repeated that she keeps talking to those kind of guys i mentioned... Those guys who masturbate to people cutting themselves are more wanted than I am... Im the worst shit in existence...

 

[N.B 060136]

Im so broken... Even if I found someone, Im already a different person... So much pain and trauma that Ill always carry... Im so resented...

It doesnt even matter... I wont find anybody... Ill end up killing myself, alone, like i have always been...

This resonates with me so much, the burden we carry is just too large, I feel like even if I was lucky enough to have someone like me they’d end up resenting me within a short period.. I know your pain, and the fucked up thing is that is just never goes away..