Long term relationship crisis or is she over me?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Hopelovescompany, Sep 4, 2016.

  1. My gf and I of 6 years, we broke up about a month ago well actually she just got her belongings and left me out of the blue and called cops so I wouldn't contact her ever again without my knowledge of a breakup. Fast forward to 2 nights ago we talked again, it had been 40 days of no contact. While she was alone she hooked up/crushed with a guy, he's 19 she's 23. I'm 24, I will say I have cheated before and it was a big deal that we were recovering from. It's been a year since that incident. Now she keeps saying how she regrets talking to me, how she's turned off by my anger , how she can't do an unhealthy and toxic relation with me. (I was mad at the initial though of her cheating) Then she will flip and say " I love you want to be with you I never wanted to leave" all the way to " I wish we hadn't talked, I wasn't ready, I can't do this, maybe we should not get back together" , I apologized for my quick anger but it hurt. Is this salvageable ? She's my best friend but I can't continue being strung along by her emotions and contradiction. Since we do love each other it's hard to say we won't try. What is the most mature way to handle this? I was a complete mess during the breakup, I mean suicide attempt mad. I want it to work, but I don't want her dangling it and changing feelings more than actually wanting to try it out, it's like I want to try and she's like SEE THIS IS WHY I LEFT. Her last words were " I don't want to do this I'm sorry, I got reattached to you too quick again" then she agreed we are going to talk later on tonight how do i try my best regardless of the outcome? I obviously want her forever I'm her first love (I've had 2 )Seems like wants to play the field? Can she actually be mature and mutually patch this or will she keep pointing out my faults and just make my ego plummit.
  2. Flaxney

    Flaxney Well-Known Member

    Hello, I am by no means experienced when it comes to relationships but, from what you have stated in your post it seems as if your girlfriend has become a toxic individual. If interacting with her only causes you emotional distress then perhaps it would be best for you to give up on any further romantic involvement. Especially as you have been the one who shows the most enthusiasm about salvaging the relationship. Don't waste your time on people who manipulate and use you. Loneliness may not be great but it's vastly superior to being used by others.
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Firstly- she didn't cheat on you- She left you and while was apart she hooked up with somebody else- so getting it straight in your mind that she didn't cheat on you may or may not make you feel better but sure as hell will make any attempt at staying together more reasonable. The fact she was gone 40 days and says she regrets talking to you because of your reaction pretty much says it all - certainly all that needs saying. Yes she loved you, you spent 5 years ago-0 she misses you sometime- but- the relationship is 99% chance done, Fact is relationships started in teens end like this 99% of the time-0 marriages before the age of 25 end in divorce 83% of the time - so just a long term relationship without the extra commitment has little or no chance life long term anyway. It hurts a lot- first love and all- but it is by far the most common outcome to such an astounding rate that hoping for a different outcome is akin to hoping to win the lottery.

    Take what you have learned from this relationship- issues with anger , alcohol, and learning to think before reacting ou of emotion and put it to good use on the next relationship- that is what first relationships are for- to learn how to treat a partner and avoid future mistakes.
    Brittless and Frances M like this.
  4. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    How did this happen? Did she contact you, or did you contact her. Who broke the no contact?

    I want you to be completely honest with yourself; is this something you can get past? If you feel like you can't, then you need to end everything. Why punish yourself if this is a dealbreaker for you? Do you feel like this is something she did out of spite? Or was it her just having some "fun"? Does she still talk to the guy? Or was it just a one nite stand?

    Honestly, I don't think it is a good idea to resume the relationship; at this point in time. She seems very unsure of herself, and if you did resume the relationship I have a feeling it would end badly for you. I would only resume the relationship when she is 100% sure what she wants.

    Tell me more about this. Why does she think the relationship with you is unhealthy and toxic? If you don't know, that would be something you need to find out. Maybe you two could discuss what a healthy relationship between you two would look like. What would she want to change and what would want to change? Maybe couples counseling could help you with this?

    I am going to ask you a question, that I noticed kept popping up in your story. Do you think you have an anger issues? Maybe anger management classes would be a good idea for you? Don't do the classes for her, do them for you.

    How often are you guys talking now? Are you guys meeting at places and going on dates? You're in a tight spot my friend, I know you want to resume the relationship. But with her sending out mixed signals and it is very confusing and hurtful for you. Maybe say something to yourself, that you give her X amount of time to make a decision. If she doesn't fully commit to you then, end the relationship. Move on to someone who will not send out mixed signals and will want you for who you are.

    I wish you the best my friend

    Take Care
  5. While this is what i believe is true i want to make sure that if i am going to give up on it that i can thoroughly figure out what her motive is as a person. Ill try this last time but i think part of me wants to be the one that walks away, she isnt afraid of me walking away or her going shes afraid of me hurting her and returning to my old ways. During the monthly space exhibition i learned to fix myself in ways i thought i couldn't. She stated that maybe we spent too much time together, and maybe that was true. At one point that is how i felt. Then when i went through a rough patch i was extra needy and very angry most of the time. I guess ultimately i need to know if im willing to change or forget it because its too toxic to fix, thank you.
  6. Yeah you are right, it was when she first told me that my heart sank. I had to take a day to regain the shock factor as i stated, and what does it matter i made the same mistake with someone else. I just do not want her to continue with him for many reasons, one being as though he went through a breakup too and dangling with his ex, hes still dating and sleeping around, hes still a teen, and hes also bisexual and likes one of her guy friends - i dont want her hurt. Its a huge ball of mess really, thanks for being straight forward with me as i needed it. However there are many details that go into a relationship to cause them to become toxic and unfix able as is the same as relinquishing the toxicity and rebuilding it again. Two individuals shouldn't fit a statistic imo but maybe you are correct. The difference i see in that 99.9 statistic is that we both know our faults and never tried fixing them, we just ignored them until we blew steam in each others face. Also adding on that the past 3 years have been hectic and finally after fixing all of my internal problems i feel like i can give back to this relationship that way i should have. I should point out that its not my first relationship it is hers and i let my past relationships shape this one which im finally over after a 10 year depressed period. It was trust issues, even though she clearly stated that she would not go on with that fling i didnt believe it, just that quick my anger snapped back to old ways, she instantly said she cant have that and suddenly the feelings of my resentment dissolved. Why? because unlike most 24 year olds i want this to work out. I asked her was she afraid of getting hurt by me or she really isnt into this relationship anymore, she told me she was "very very very afraid of getting hurt again" the ball is in my court but that also doesnt eject the trust issues i have ill deal with them eternally until they are gone.

  7. Thanks for taking the time to dig deep into this relationship with me, its much appreciated. Hopefully everything i replied to is understandable. I replied in bold in the quotes.
  8. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    My friend,
    This is probably going to sound really corny. But this is my opinion of everything. You guys sound like you are both are all over the place with everything. It seems like both of you seem to want to be together, but you guys can't get out of each other's way. If that makes sense. Maybe if you guys set down and drew up some ground rules for the relationship going forward. That way it will be crystal clear of what is expected out of each other. Maybe it will help each of you understand where the other person is coming from. You can make your rules to what you think an acceptable relationship would look like. She can do the same, and then you guys can see where each other stands and can work out compromises and maybe that can clear up some of the confusion you guys are having.

    I wish you best
  9. I wish I didn't have only this to say but last night went nowhere at all, she was surprisingly nice. I mostly did the talking and further explanation of why I was so angry for a long period, she spoke on things that bothered here over the years. That conversation lasted 30 minutes tops, then it was back to sex and then we fell asleep and here I am replying at 6:30 a.m. I'm confused about all of this and not sure why I can't get clarity from here. I feel like I care more about fixing this relationship and being more serious than her. The ground rules sounds like a good idea, I just hope she doesn't find the things that I can't do elsewhere and not tell me. Also hope she can be more straightforward. We are all over the place. Welp thanks for your kind words.
  10. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Ok, what I am about to suggest to you may seem odd. Maybe if you tell her no more sex; until you are at a more comfortable place in the relationship. That might show her that she is more important to you, than just another sex partner. (But honestly, who understand what women think ? =) Stand your ground , she may see this as a challenge, and she may use her "womanly charms" against you.

    Maybe you guys could do stuff like board games or something, go for a long walk. Anything like that, that you two spend time together doing, while you two are communicating. Maybe you could come up with a list of five things, to be settled before anymore sex happens. Encourage her to do the same. That way , both of you will be communicating how you feel, and what is important to each other. I just get the impression, the more sex that happens , the more confused you are going to be. Because let's be honest here you love, making love to her.

    I forgot did you say one time , you two were going to start seeing a couple's counselor? That would be a good thing for you guys.

    Ok for what it's worth, my personal view on love is that it is a triangle. You must have all three parts to be in love; if you don't have all three parts you have something else. The first side is a "connection" where you guys feel a connection and are able to understand each other very easily. The second part is respect, neither of you should ever lay on hand on each other. For ANY reason. Sometimes one of you might say something about how they feel. Even if you don't agree with it, and it is the most bizarre thing you ever heard. You will respect her, and how she feels. You won't make fun of her or put her down, it will be discussed in a fair way. The third part is Trust, if you aren't able to trust her to be around other men. Then you should get out of the relationship. It is that simple.

    I know you care for her a lot. You really, more than anything else want stuff to work out between you two. I just feel like don't rush into things too fast. Get to know each other all over again.

    I wish you the best

    Take Care
  11. Okay Mox women seem to all be spiteful to me , it's not going as I hoped and starting to be alittle too much work. She's not texting back as quick and quirky as usually. The conversation plummets quick to boredom which I know I should be patient considering, but I didn't know I'd be suddenly turned off by the disposition in her personality. Shes gained a bit of arrogance. Shes not asking to hang out first , when we talk it's about randomness like her job, or her friends, or how she's re decorating her house, it's never about our situation. when she's alone is only when she seems interested in me. Can't tell if I'm being needy or accurate in her being so anti-me but can't we adult and speak on things that matter for once. Last night we hung out at 12 am , it's my birthday today and you that went.. next time I will say no to what we did I swear !

    I don't have much to say back in return to her when she talks about random things or its complete silence while she's on her phone. I'm use to six years of discussing our world as opposed to the outside world. She's starting to get a bit unnatractive in that sense. For example our whole day today consisted of talking about her coworkers flirting at work (she talks about this coworker woman excessively). Now that she's off work she finally asks me what I'm up to , and I want to scream "waiting to spend my birthday with the person I have since 18" but I can't. I'm enjoying my time alone and I'm a weird path of 'maybe this isn't what I really want' and ' maybe this is only temporary and we can fix things'. I'm afraid to push the activities on her like board games, walking, talking about us. She said she would watch movies with me but I don't want to be up her butt. I am a nihilist though, I will enjoy turning 25 today though. There's a 50/50 chance she's coming over. And suddenly this thread feels like a sitcom waiting on the next episode. You're extremely helping me out though btw.
  12. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Trust your instincts with this kind of situation

    are they flirting with her, and she is flirting back? or is this something she sees going on in her office? is the female coworker flirting with her?

    Sounds like you guys need to come to sort of "relationship rules" or something like that. To where she can talk about work from such and such time , but then you want to only talk about "your world" and she is not allowed to talk about work, after a certain time. if this is something she can not or will not do. You may need to step back and reevaluate things. Maybe over the 40 day break, somehow her job became more important to her and now that you guys are back on her job is still super important to her. And maybe she does not realize , how you are feeling about everything? Going to have to have a serious talk. Ex-wife is f'g driving me crazy tonight =)

    lol, I like your sense of humor