My beautiful wife passed away almost two years ago.
Just months after, i tried killing myself so that i could be with her. After receiving therapy as an out patient, the same thought`s have returned to me. I cry every day and i miss her so. I am 66 years old and feeling like a baby every time i cry. It sounds ridiculous i know, but it`s all i can do. I am alone with no family or friends, and over the last eleven months, i just want to end it. I have had thoughts of getting someone to harm me, and i have also looked into assisted suicide. The pain of losing my wife hurts every day, and even as i am writing this, the tears are falling. I just want to be with her. The thoughts of hurting myself are so strong right now, if i could find a way. ... I don`t want to do that. I just want to be with my wife again. I am so lost and confused right now, i don`t know what to do.
I am sorry for your loss. I could never understand what it is for you, yet I nonetheless am no stranger to profound grief. I lost the love of my life 10 years ago. There is not a single day, probably not even an hour, that I don't miss him. Sometimes I have dreams where we are together again. I think that in some sense it is him. I don't want to admit this, but the possibility that I'd have a dream of us together is one of a few things that I live for. I had struggled with suicidal urges before we met, and continued to do so after we had been monogamous for a while. Suicide is just one thing I have to deal with, regardless of my life's external state such as finances, social connection, and so on. This means I'd be lying if I suggested my suicidal urges were caused by grief. Yet, grief sure is moving them in a painful direction, so I think what you are describing is entirely natural. It's people who
don't find themselves lost in an ocean of existence with no clear boundaries, no answers, and only fleeting glimpses of meaning - that I distrust. I know it's a cliche, but it's also true, that "Distress is a natural response to a fked up situation." Or, from the other end, "It is no sign of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."
I recognize your statement, "i don't know what to do." This is the first thing I said in reply to the news I got that my partner had died. My world shattered and I didn't even know which way was up, let alone how to even start to cope.
I have read that sometimes, suicide may be forgiven by God as long as your Soul means it when it repents. My Soul will mean to repent, and as God is an all mercy and forgiving God, i am hoping he will listen to me and let me be with my wife once again.
Although I don't know about forgiveness vs sin (having not yet died, lol), I feel like there are important aspects of Christian theology and scripture that promote universal salvation.
John 6:37 -
All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out. (emphasis mine)
1 John 4:8 - ...God is love.
I don't think a loving god would cast someone into eternal punishment, for any reason. Sometimes we have more pain than we can cope with, and we make decisions that seem unreasonable to someone outside of what we are feeling each day.
There is a faith forum with a few sub-fora on this site so I'm trying to restrain myself from going into that territory. That said the simplistic view of absolute punishment for suicide based on the idea that you could not repent following a successful attempt is ignorant and harmful.
A therapist once told me, "if you ever feel like wanting to take your life, go to the hospital and get admitted".
Please (do not) send me the info on this therapist, so that I may barge into their office, start throwing paperwork around the room and lecture them on the utterly foolish, inconsiderate, CYA bullshit that this statement is!
I'd be willing to reconsider if that therapist had ever been confined in a psych unit themself. By CYA I mean they are entirely uninterested in whether or not you get better. They are concerned with having something in your chart that exonerates them if their destructive advice ends up doing you in.
Find some ex-patients of a given facility before you consider showing up there. If you are in crisis, you are necessarily not in the best place to make important decisions! It was my failure to recognize this before I made the biggest mistake I have made in my entire life. There are fates worse than death, and being treated like a criminal just because you mentioned some painful feelings and requested help dealing with harmful impulses - is one of them.
Mental "hospitals" DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE PATIENT! They are paid by insurance companies, and if they charge your insurance for services that you never receive, good luck getting help with that damage. Your complaints are automatically invalid because you're in crisis. This means they are free to psychologically torture you to their heart's content, as long as you don't leave with visible injuries. In fact, they become increasingly more profitable the longer they keep you from getting better.
Since their costs are the same for a given night whether there is one bed full or thirty, it's purely a numbers game for them. The more beds they can get occupied per night, with the minimum level of staff necessary, the higher their profits.
Never, ever, trust an organization that profits off of human misery! They are only going to create more of it. 
