Lost

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RubenH95, Apr 26, 2016.

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  1. RubenH95

    RubenH95 Member

    Hi there, I need some advice on my situation. I get these thoughts of self harm randomly when positive things aren't going well for me such as my relationship. I feel trapped sometimes and alone. My two bestfriends hardly speak to me and never give me the help I need, to where as they make it about themselves including my family. I am gay and engaged but I feel like I'm lost and trapped. I can't find a job, I have no money. I'm sorta going blind and my partner seems to not really see that I'm struggling while he has a job, is getting a new one starting soon, gives his mother money. Provides for his dog(his baby) and not our cat. I love him but am sorta falling out due to all this drama with him. But I want to stay and make it work. There's a long list of other things but I don't want to bore anyone. I feel like me leaving this world is the only thing I can think off. I know it's selfish but like I said it's just a thought, a strong one today. I'm always home alone, blurry vision and it's not like our life is terrible but I'm young and I feel so whipped. I need someone to talk to because I've reached my limit.
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome to the forum Ruben, I am sorry you are feeling this low. Do you think your boyfriend would help pay for you to get professional help because thoughts of self harm and suicide really require medical treatment as well as peer to peer support :) Is that an option available to you? How old are you if that is okay to ask? I really hope you share more of your story with us so we can try and help and advise but for now just remember you don't have to go through this alone, we're here for you, and again, welcome :) I hope that you joining here is your first step on your road to recovery.
     
  3. RubenH95

    RubenH95 Member

    Thank you. Well I'm really not sure, it seems expensive and I'm sure my fiancé would just say I am over reacting and that he's there if i need someone to talk to. But he really isn't there and I don't think i would go through with harming myself. But I just want someone to talk to because having these thoughts seem wrong and I just don't want to ever have them again. I'm 20.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Suicidal thoughts are horrible,dreadful and nasty. I hope you do have him there to talk to. What country are you in that makes seeing a professional too expensive hun? I know it is expensive in the states unfortunately :( Maybe explain to your boyfriend that you aren't over reacting and are seriously struggling to keep these thoughts under control, I'm so sorry you are going through this. No one should have to, I've been suicidal it is torture, with meds and therapy I got out of that suicidal zone and slowly improving all the time :) I hope you can too. :)
     
  5. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Have you tried sitting down with your boyfriend and having a serious conversation about how you feel. He may not really understand how bad things are for you. And if he doesn't know that he may take things too lightly. I would also ask if you have seen someone about your eyes. Vision is precious, and you should have them checked out. A trip to the doctor may just be enough to take one of your concerns away.
     
  6. RubenH95

    RubenH95 Member

    I'm from Texas. I always tell him at least 3 times a day. "Hey I need glasses I haven't had them since September" his dog chewed them... Anyway it's just like my needs don't matter. We fight here and there. He's always the one starting them over his stupid assumptions that he makes. I feel like he loves me but loves me just to have around. I've begged him to help me find work and he says ok, but he finds a job for himself and it's like what about me? I quit my job in March 2015 for him and moved in and we aren't even married yet. I hate this house, it smells, sometimes I don't eat cause he doesn't buy food. sometimes my cat goes without eating because he is lazy to buy food for him. We sleep on the couch cause our old room smells like trash and has fleas. The hot water doesn't work. Half of the house has no electricity, And that sad part is that I stay. I will never know why. I love him so much and he doesn't realize the good life I gave up just to be with him. I really love him and I feel like the only way I can escape is if something happened to me. I don't want to do anything to myself because I know I'm worth more than that. I can't believe I put all that out there but it's true.
     
  7. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am really sorry to hear of the situation you are in and how you feel.

    Firstly, please don't hurt yourself. You're way too precious!

    I really think you should try talking to your doctor about what is going on, both with your vision and how you feel with the suicidal thoughts and thoughts of hurting yourself. I hope you don't act on any of them, SH is one of my greatest regrets... but no matter what, 'just' having the thoughts are awful! And you deserve better!

    I think you should sit your fiance down for a proper talk. Tell him everything that is going on in your head, and how his actions make you feel. You could even write it down, obviously add that you love him, and that's why you want things to work out, but things can't go on this way. It's not fair to you.

    Please be good to you. You deserve that!
     
  8. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Sorry Ruben:

    Sounds like a tough spot to be in. Have you looked up at free clinics or low cost clinics and asked for help and started somewhere.

    For the place that smells. Have you done anything about it too? It takes two to keep it clean not just one person.

    Call a food pantry or shelter and see if they have food donations available for your cat. Its not fair to the cat to starve and their health goes downhill fast.
     
  9. RubenH95

    RubenH95 Member

    Thanks you guys, hearing this really made me feel better, I really appreciate it. I just left him today for the sake of my health, happiness and overall people don't deserve to live this way especially with someone who just does not care. I will be living with my mother who said she will help me no matter what and will be attending college so I'm happy with the way things turned out in just 24 hours. It's hard because I love him, but I can love him from afar. You guys I appreciate the advice and believe I won't be having these bad thoughts anymore. Thank you.
     
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  10. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Glad to see you're out of that situation for the time being! Moms are the best!
     
  11. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Good for you Ruben! I am sure it was a tough decision though. But it sounds like the love in the relationship was a one way street. You loved him, but he didn't love you. That would never be a good relationship. Give your mom a big hug for helping you out.
     
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