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Lost

LumberJack

LumberJack

Huggy Bear 🐻
SF Supporter
#1
#1
I could use some support. I have been really raw and tender since I started learning more about OCD. What’s coming up is a lot of shame. The things I am learning about the thoughts and feelings that are typical of someone affected by OCD are almost identical with the thoughts I’ve felt like I had to hide since I was a little kid. So I might have been living with this condition much longer than I thought.

Well, having all my deepest, darkest, most shameful secrets suddenly laid bare is jarring. I’m engaging my safety plan. I have notified my therapist and I will see her tomorrow. Yet, there’s still this bothersome thought in the back of my head that I just fucked up bad. Like a feeling that none of my distress is about things that would be so much as uncomfortable to a healthy person. And that breaking my silence has been a terrible mistake.
 
FlamingoWrangler

FlamingoWrangler

🦩🦩🦩🦩
#4
#4
Sending acceptance & kindness to you. You can manage this. I believe in you. you've already been able to get a visit with your therapist. You pulled out your safety plan & are sharing concerns. you are making great progress.

I was wanting to be intentional with my words of support. Went looking for your safety plan on SF, didn’t see it. Are there phrases that help? Phrases that hurt? we are here for you. You’ve got this!
🦩🦩🦩
 
LumberJack

LumberJack

Huggy Bear 🐻
SF Supporter
#6
#6
Feeling better today. Struggling with avoidance behaviors, and went into a Wikipedia rabbit hole just before updating here. "Wikipedia rabbit hole" is my term for the thing I do where I do a web search for something that lands me on a Wiki article. Then I get lost in following links all over the place.

Today - this is a real example - I watched some news (okay late night comedy but it's still about current events, lol) which led to me looking at the history of the Monroe Doctrine, and ended up on an article about "Aloha ʻĀina" - which is literally translated "Love of the Land." In practice, it represents the Hawaiian cultural respect for the land and all living things.

While fascinating to me, it's not getting me any closer to a job. I'm really trying, and I have done some skills training this week. The anxiety that I felt afterward was so bad I had intestinal spasms, though, which leads to the avoidance behaviors. Oh well - I think I'm just going to have to be really careful with what I eat for a while and stay hydrated to mitigate that discomfort. The plan for treating the OCD is gradual exposure to the stressors so that my body can learn it's not dangerous to do so.
 
seabird

seabird

meandering home
SF Supporter
#8
#8
Just stopping in. We all do fall into the rabbit hole from time to time. Today mine was an hour or so reading/skimming of the history of one of the countries bordering Iran. And from there realising I'd better order a bunch of my favourite leaf tea, in case there's further curtailing of trade.

Anyway. It was one of those sorts of days. When you get physical symptoms from anxiety, do you have a game plan? Any self-regulation practice for those times? besides the avoidance? I'm reading a book that's helping and has the added benefit of being funny here and there.

I'm glad you are somewhat better.
 
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AmberMarie

AmberMarie

SF Supporter
#9
#9
LumberJack said:
I could use some support. I have been really raw and tender since I started learning more about OCD. What’s coming up is a lot of shame. The things I am learning about the thoughts and feelings that are typical of someone affected by OCD are almost identical with the thoughts I’ve felt like I had to hide since I was a little kid. So I might have been living with this condition much longer than I thought.

Well, having all my deepest, darkest, most shameful secrets suddenly laid bare is jarring. I’m engaging my safety plan. I have notified my therapist and I will see her tomorrow. Yet, there’s still this bothersome thought in the back of my head that I just fucked up bad. Like a feeling that none of my distress is about things that would be so much as uncomfortable to a healthy person. And that breaking my silence has been a terrible mistake.
Click to expand...
You will always have my support! Even when i don't answer... i do read most things. Hugs Hugs Jackie!
 
LumberJack

LumberJack

Huggy Bear 🐻
SF Supporter
#10
#10
seabird said:
Just stopping in. We all do fall into the rabbit hole from time to time. Today mine was an hour or so reading/skimming of the history of one of the countries bordering Iran. And from there realising I'd better order a bunch of my favourite leaf tea, in case there's further curtailing of trade.

Anyway. It was one of those sorts of days. When you get physical symptoms from anxiety, do you have a game plan? Any self-regulation practice for those times? besides the avoidance? I'm reading a book that's helping and has the added benefit of being funny here and there.

I'm glad you are somewhat better.
Click to expand...
My rabbit holes tend to chew up half the day, it seems. Like time just gets away from me. I have been using natural light to keep me aware of time passing. The event of sunset and dusk tends to at least subconsciously signal me to get up for a bio-break and to drink water. Oh well, it’s not so much, errr - “adult entertainment” anymore.

In one of the Socratic dialogues, Plato has his main character describing age-related libido decline as being released from a cruel and tyrannical master. I must be getting old, because I’m suddenly feeling like Plato was absolutely right about that! But I digress, as is my wont.

My self regulation are grounding exercises. I’m particularly fond of dry-brushing, which is basically using a soft brush to exfoliate the skin. It gives me something like ASMR tingles up the back of my neck and up to my scalp. Other things are the typical sensory noticing exercises, getting outdoors for 5 minutes, stretching, taking a shower, or other self care.

I also have a plush stuffed puppy that my partner brought home for me from the Narita airport. We had an in-joke about my being a “teddy bear,” so he kept buying me stuffed animals as gifts. Anyway, the stuffy is both a reminder of happier times, and the softness is a good sensory stimulus for me.
 
LumberJack

LumberJack

Huggy Bear 🐻
SF Supporter
#12
#12
I’m doing a little bit better with my mood, but my compulsive behaviors are still debilitating. I’m not as worked up about it, though. I’m doing something about it, which alleviates the feeling of helplessness. It’s still distressing when I get to the end of the day, exhausted, and I have maybe one thing crossed off my to-do list that I set for myself to complete 2 days ago.

However, progress is progress and if it’s less lost time today than yesterday, then that will add up over time and as I learn/practice new skills. Damn. Another run on sentence. I suddenly feel awful for my seventh-grade English teacher. That was when we learned sentence diagrams… 😱. I must have been a difficult student at that time!
 
LumberJack

LumberJack

Huggy Bear 🐻
SF Supporter
#13
#13
I’m in a tender and somewhat tentative space today. I’m keeping my head above water, but it’s taking constant effort. I’m using my tools, and at the same time I wish I didn’t need this level of facility with my self directed coping skills. I’m still stymied in my job hunt, but I’m feeling like I can get something done today.
 
LumberJack

LumberJack

Huggy Bear 🐻
SF Supporter
#14
#14
I don't know why I write/talk so many damn words. I can't say anything until I work back to first principles and build from there. I wish I could just cut to the point like normies can. The problem is I don't even know what the point is until I'm 800 words in. I mean, I do have an idea but it's in the form of a diagram as opposed to words, so I have to unspool a 2 or more dimensional image into linear human language, which takes some work! And walking around with a whiteboard and a marker around my neck does NOT make me very attractive at parties. (I'm j/k - I don't actually get invited, so that's not such a worry).

The other thing is that most people are not "mathy" so they haven't had the a-ha! moments I had when I was learning equations and calculus. Equations are themselves actually descriptions of an image, and the image graphically describes a relationship between 2 or more variables. so where most people see a squiggly line, I see an explanation for how one thing affects other things. God I'm fking weird!
 
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LumberJack

LumberJack

Huggy Bear 🐻
SF Supporter
#16
#16
Struggling today. The fact that I was exploited for revenue as a consequence of seeking help and then trying to leave when I wasn't getting it, is eating me alive. I have to live with this until I die and I have no recourse. They cashed the check from my insurance company, which took a chunk out of me because it's a high deductible, and literally punished me for trying what I could do to advocate for myself. They justified themselves by saying I was being demanding and irritable. Yeah - asking them to put me in a clean room because the first one had poop in it from the prior occupant is so fucking demanding! Which of course was refused I couldn't even get them to send someone with a mop and disinfectant until I had been asking for 2 days!

Maybe I was irritable because no one would listen to me or do a damn thing to help me feel safe or mitigate my distress. Fuck those people. I want to make a mess for them to clean up - one that will cost them more than the mess they made for me to clean up. I was paying them to help me, but instead they punished me for needing help at all, and for not meeting their expectations, as if I was their fucking serf!
 
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