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Major Depression

#1
I have been diagnosed with Major Depression. I been prescribed three different types of medication. The first medication was horrible. It was prozac and it made me feel even worse. I had a swollen face and I felt even more suicidal. I was taken off that medication and put on risperdal which is an antipsychotic medication. This medication made me feel even worse. I was falling asleep during the day and I couldn't even concentrate on anything. I went back to the doctor and my medication was changed. Eventually I was changed to a mood stabilizer and another antipsychotic abilify. I was doing well on the medication but then I noticed that my gums were always bleeding. I started getting worried because every time I brushed I was choking on blood . I decided to stop all the medication and see how I would be without it. I didn't tell my doctor I just decided I had enough of all these pills. It's been two months and I'm completely off all the medication. My mind is much better. I am able to concentrate and I don't fall asleep in the day time. When I was on the medication I felt like a zombie. My problem now is I can't go asleep at night. My mind races and doesn't shut down. I haven't been to the doctor. I been dealing with the insomnia alone. I still suffer from the depression. Some days I wish I was dead. My kids are the only reason I get up. Even now I do think I shouldn't be here. I think my kids would be better off without me. I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything. I suffer from anxiety and I like to hide myself away from the world.
I am feeling lonely and trapped in a cycle of everyday loneliness. My depression never leaves me. I get into very dark spaces that I can't get out. I'm having trouble with every day activities when I become depressed. I have no energy or motivation to do anything. My problem is my daughter is watching me and she is starting to make comments about my behaviours. She doesn't understand why I don't have energy. How do I explain to an 11 year old that I have depression. I also have a 9 year old girl. She doesn't ask questions. My illness has caused my family so many problems. I feel my depression is affecting my girls lives. They don't need to be around a broken mother who can't function properly. I have a husband too and he knows that I have suffered a lot and he supports me in the house. My oldest girl disrespects me now and she been answering me back a lot and making me feel worse. I try to be nice to her and do as much as I can to make her comfortable. How do I win her over and get her to understand that I am trying hard not to let the depression affect her life too. I talked to my husband about my daughter and he says that we both need to understand each other and then we will be able to get along. I feel I am losing my daughters respect and that she views me as a worthless mother. She always says to me to leave her alone. She never talks to me or my husband and she has been spending a lot of time in her room. What do I do to get her to start respecting me.Some days I don't have the energy to fight with her. I end up giving in. I don't want to have depression and I wish I was stronger and know how to be a better mother. The depression has taken away my easy personality and left me like a shell. I feel my life is a mess and has robbed me of a normal existence. Every single day is a struggle for me. Im currently unable to work because I know I don't have the confidence to seek employment outside the home. I have told mental health services that I need help and I was supposed to get help but I never received any help.
What do I do. How can I continue to keep living the way I do. I have no hope no goals for the future. I can only deal with one day at a time. I'm a survivor of an abusive relationship and I was lucky to be alive. I think a lot of my depression has stemed from what happened to me. Before the abuse I was different. I can't change my past but I want to get help and I don't want to be depressed. I hate my daughters experiencing a broken mother. They notice everything and my parenting is going to affect them for the rest of their lives. Any advice would be helpful. I live in Ireland and I attend community mental health.. I went down the pill route and I have seen a therapist too.. I feel i am not getting enough support from mental health and other services available are too far away since I live in a rural area. I see the psychristist every 3 months. I'm going to sign off . I know my life is a complete mess. I never thought my life would end up this way. I dreamed of a normal life with good health. Unfortunately everything has turned out wrong. I feel a failure. My kids don't have a good role model. That is the worst part of life not being a good mother. They can't be proud of a broken mother who can't do anything. I feel worthless and defeated. I feel they deserve better. That's why I want to die because I have lost hope. I'm afraid to kill myself and leave my girls. I think about them too. Im stuck in this reality and nothing changes..
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
i'm sorry that you are suffering so much right now. obviously you need therapy to deal with your abusive past. and you should never go off of your meds without talking to your doctor first. i suggest you call your doctor and tell him what happened as soon as you can. some meds won't work or can make you worse. you have to work with your doctor to get the right meds at the right doses.

and your daughters will never recover from your suicide. you are not broken but you are ill, you suffer major depression. and the daughter being disrespectful it could be normal dependng on her age. your husband supports you so let him help you. please keep talking we are listening...mike....*hug*console*shake
 
#3
Hi Anne, speaking as a mother of three and a teacher of some 25 years I know what it is like to have children and the impact on you of the responsibility of bringing up your own children. You have the desire to want to give them everything they need to grow in to happy and successful adults. You seem to be having the most difficulty with your 11 year old. It seems to me that her behaviour is very typical of an 11 year old. Although she is not yet a teenager, she is of an age where she is dealing with her own hormones and gradually transitioning into adulthood. What is coming across to you as disrespect is her negotiating her own boundaries and trying to find her own way in the world. Staying in her room and not communicating is again I’m afraid to say very normal behaviour for her. My husband always said to them at this age, see you on the other side and remember I still love you. You are so used to her seeing you as her world and the most important person, but now her friends have taken over that roll. But she will come back to you, when she’s ready. Yes as a parent it is tough but it is also very normal and it is nothing to do with you or your depression that is causing this. She is probably too young to understand completely what you are going through and I fully understand your reluctance to share your depression with her but you obviously love her and at the end of the day that is all we can do. Be there for them and love them and hope that that is enough. I don’t share my depression with my three although, like you, they are aware I’m not happy. I don’t want to burden them or worry them. They are the only reason I stay because taking my life would damage them beyond repair. So you are not worthless, you are most definitely worthy and most definitely needed. I am searching for a reason to stay for myself but for now staying for my kids is enough to keep me here.
Depression is unkind and gradually takes over you, becoming all consuming. Finding a way out feels impossible other than the obvious so we feel trapped.
Please keep talking on here. People really do understand and I’ve not found anywhere else, no counsellor, no therapist, who gets what it’s like to not want to wake up each morning, who gets what it’s like to drag yourself through the day before curling Into a ball at the end of the day, hiding sleepless through each night. I’ve tried meds but have also found they don’t work and find the support network simply isn’t there. I have a care plan but nobody follows it and I constantly feel let down by the system which only makes me feel more angry and let down.
You are stronger than you think because you’ve come this far and you’ve found us. Take care and although this is the hardest thing in the world to do, look after yourself. I’m still working on that one but perhaps one day I may be able to as well. Keep taking. Stay safe. *hug
 
#5
Sorry that you're going through this Anne

In principle, there are other non medication-related treatment methods that you could try, but your options may be limited by your location. The links in my signature have some information about treatment methods. I'll copy the links here in case you're on a phone.

Treating Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia and General Help
Acupressure Self-Massage for Depression, Insomnia, and Anxiety

My problem now is I can't go asleep at night. My mind races and doesn't shut down
You might want to try soaking your feet in Epsom salts and warm water before going to bed each night.

Taking up a meditation practice might also be very helpful.

You might want to also try the acupressure self-massage in my signature links.

If these things don't help or don't help enough, you may have to consider trying some form of medication again.
 
#6
The edit window timed out, so I'm reposting here
------------------------
Sorry that you're going through this Anne

In principle, there are other non medication-related treatment methods that you could try, but your options may be limited by your location. The links in my signature have some information about treatment methods. I'll copy the links here in case you're on a phone.

Treating Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia and General Help
Acupressure Self-Massage for Depression, Insomnia, and Anxiety

My problem now is I can't go asleep at night. My mind races and doesn't shut down
A few things might help:

Soaking your feet in Epsom salts and warm water before going to bed each night.

Taking up a daily meditation practice

The acupressure self-massage in my signature links

The dietary recommendations in the links

Reducing stress, mental activity, and sensory inputs (like television)

If these things don't help or don't help enough, you may have to consider trying some form of medication again.
 
#7
In addition to the basic dietary recommendations in the links, you may also want to try avoiding sugar and sweeteners, alcohol, and caffeine. Soups and stews, cooked vegetables, and cooked grains may be good things to emphasize in your diet.
 
#8
Thank you for recommendations. I'm going to try some of them. I'm willing to go back on medications if nothing else works. I appreciate your support thank you
 

ib4uib

Well-Known Member
#10
Depression is all about wrong turns made in your life, playing them back and trying to change it all. Sadly history has been set in concrete and to my knowledge a time machine not yet invented to go back and change it all.

Understanding that whatever you do all the thought in the world will not change the past, you can spend the next 30 years going over and over it but like I said the result will be exactly the same, you can't change what's been/gone.

But you can change the future by recognising your thinking patterns, when the past starts playing back make a conscious effort to say, 'Hey internal voice, I can't do anything about what's happened so shut up trying to beat me down again'

The more you practise this the easier it will become, it all changes the moment you start challenging this internal voice that we all have...Watching this might help explain it all a little better
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#12
I have been diagnosed with Major Depression. I been prescribed three different types of medication. The first medication was horrible. It was prozac and it made me feel even worse. I had a swollen face and I felt even more suicidal. I was taken off that medication and put on risperdal which is an antipsychotic medication. This medication made me feel even worse. I was falling asleep during the day and I couldn't even concentrate on anything. I went back to the doctor and my medication was changed. Eventually I was changed to a mood stabilizer and another antipsychotic abilify. I was doing well on the medication but then I noticed that my gums were always bleeding. I started getting worried because every time I brushed I was choking on blood . I decided to stop all the medication and see how I would be without it. I didn't tell my doctor I just decided I had enough of all these pills. It's been two months and I'm completely off all the medication. My mind is much better. I am able to concentrate and I don't fall asleep in the day time. When I was on the medication I felt like a zombie. My problem now is I can't go asleep at night. My mind races and doesn't shut down. I haven't been to the doctor. I been dealing with the insomnia alone. I still suffer from the depression. Some days I wish I was dead. My kids are the only reason I get up. Even now I do think I shouldn't be here. I think my kids would be better off without me. I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything. I suffer from anxiety and I like to hide myself away from the world.
I am feeling lonely and trapped in a cycle of everyday loneliness. My depression never leaves me. I get into very dark spaces that I can't get out. I'm having trouble with every day activities when I become depressed. I have no energy or motivation to do anything. My problem is my daughter is watching me and she is starting to make comments about my behaviours. She doesn't understand why I don't have energy. How do I explain to an 11 year old that I have depression. I also have a 9 year old girl. She doesn't ask questions. My illness has caused my family so many problems. I feel my depression is affecting my girls lives. They don't need to be around a broken mother who can't function properly. I have a husband too and he knows that I have suffered a lot and he supports me in the house. My oldest girl disrespects me now and she been answering me back a lot and making me feel worse. I try to be nice to her and do as much as I can to make her comfortable. How do I win her over and get her to understand that I am trying hard not to let the depression affect her life too. I talked to my husband about my daughter and he says that we both need to understand each other and then we will be able to get along. I feel I am losing my daughters respect and that she views me as a worthless mother. She always says to me to leave her alone. She never talks to me or my husband and she has been spending a lot of time in her room. What do I do to get her to start respecting me.Some days I don't have the energy to fight with her. I end up giving in. I don't want to have depression and I wish I was stronger and know how to be a better mother. The depression has taken away my easy personality and left me like a shell. I feel my life is a mess and has robbed me of a normal existence. Every single day is a struggle for me. Im currently unable to work because I know I don't have the confidence to seek employment outside the home. I have told mental health services that I need help and I was supposed to get help but I never received any help.
What do I do. How can I continue to keep living the way I do. I have no hope no goals for the future. I can only deal with one day at a time. I'm a survivor of an abusive relationship and I was lucky to be alive. I think a lot of my depression has stemed from what happened to me. Before the abuse I was different. I can't change my past but I want to get help and I don't want to be depressed. I hate my daughters experiencing a broken mother. They notice everything and my parenting is going to affect them for the rest of their lives. Any advice would be helpful. I live in Ireland and I attend community mental health.. I went down the pill route and I have seen a therapist too.. I feel i am not getting enough support from mental health and other services available are too far away since I live in a rural area. I see the psychristist every 3 months. I'm going to sign off . I know my life is a complete mess. I never thought my life would end up this way. I dreamed of a normal life with good health. Unfortunately everything has turned out wrong. I feel a failure. My kids don't have a good role model. That is the worst part of life not being a good mother. They can't be proud of a broken mother who can't do anything. I feel worthless and defeated. I feel they deserve better. That's why I want to die because I have lost hope. I'm afraid to kill myself and leave my girls. I think about them too. Im stuck in this reality and nothing changes..
Depression is so intertwined with trauma. Can you find a therapist skilled in treating trauma survivors?
 

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