I've made the conscious decision to finally end my life. I feel horrible about it...like a selfish, worthless piece of shit, but I just can't keep going. I can't even put into words the utter emptiness and loneliness I feel. This weekend especially has shown me that I just don't belong in this world anymore. Went through a huge natural disaster....and no one even checks to see if you're still alive. No one cares....THEY'RE selfish, so they have no right to claim I'm the selfish one when I'm not here anymore. They all claim I don't try to talk to them.....that I hold everything in and play the martyr, but when I try to speak to them about my pain....they don't want to HEAR IT. How can I fucking WIN!? It's a losing battle....talking is overrated. And when I'm gone I know they will all play the victims and say I didn't give a shit about anyone but myself....but I TRIED to reach out....but no one would listen. I fell on my knees and BEGGED GOD (a god I haven't believed in since I was a child because I've always felt that, if their was a God....why has he never been there? Why have I always felt that I wasn't worth even HIS TIME??)..."Please help me, God! I'm lost and so utterly lonely....I'm BEGGING YOU!"....and nothing. NO moment of clarity....no "light"....no nothing. I feel that most people in my life would be RELIEVED to have one less person being a total drag in their lives. They'll cry and say it hurts them....and that they miss me...but they'll do it for the attention that THEY CRAVE. I've never been worth that attention...worth being given an ounce of compassion. They'll, instead, cry about how I left my child to suffer without his mom. No one will feel guilty. They'll ACT that way for the attention they crave from others, but on the inside they'll be so fucking happy that they don't have to deal with my "constant bitching and complaining", 'cause when I try to TALK about how I truly feel to get it OUT THERE, rather than keep it all in, that's how they react. It's a constant mindfuck that I can no longer battle with. My son deserves a better mother and I'm so sorry, son....so sorry you were born to a person that cursed you with a disability....cursed you with being born to such an total born loser. You deserve the world....and all I've done is keep you from having that because, for some fucked up cosmic reason....that will just never happen for me. You shouldn't have to suffer by being with me....a fucking MAGNET for nothing but eternal misery. I know I sound like a total drama queen (and that's how everyone in my life takes it), but my "bad luck" is so right on the money....I don't even know how to explain it. You know the saying "shit rolls downhill"? Well....no matter how much I keep trying to claw my way back up, no matter what, that pile of shit finds a way to run me over. I can jump....dodge it....everything. It follows me like a black cat. I don't know how to explain it....but when a friend of mine even looked at me one day, astounded, after yet another ridiculous moment of "REALLY!? WTF!?!?", and said "Christ....you really are friggin' cursed!"....what can you do? Even SHE sees it! Not that she cares, but...even she sees it to the point that she now "jokingly" calls me Doomsday.
I am beginning today to get my affairs in order....to find a way to leave money behind to help with my son's care and his needs....to get rid of my earthly possessions that are nothing but THINGS. I have done my research on how it needs to be done as painlessly as possible (I think I do deserve that...haven't I had enough pain?)....to find SOME WAY to say I'm sorry to the very few people that I think do love me, but will never understand the depth of my despair. I will not leave a burden behind for people. I want to make my ending as simple and easy as possible. No financial shit for them to have to deal with...no hours of paperwork or struggling to find money to pay for whatever needs to be done. They can collect Social Security for my son once I'm gone from my earned amounts....significantly more than what he gets now. There will be no questions of how to handle things....they will already be handled for them to make it easier on them.
All I can hope is that, maybe, they'll understand....and forgive me. It may take me a long time to get these things done, but my mind is made up. Sad that, for the first time in my life....I feel at peace. Funny how life works out that way. For once....I feel like I've made the right decision....that I've found where I fit in. That I've done something RIGHT for once in my life.
I am beginning today to get my affairs in order....to find a way to leave money behind to help with my son's care and his needs....to get rid of my earthly possessions that are nothing but THINGS. I have done my research on how it needs to be done as painlessly as possible (I think I do deserve that...haven't I had enough pain?)....to find SOME WAY to say I'm sorry to the very few people that I think do love me, but will never understand the depth of my despair. I will not leave a burden behind for people. I want to make my ending as simple and easy as possible. No financial shit for them to have to deal with...no hours of paperwork or struggling to find money to pay for whatever needs to be done. They can collect Social Security for my son once I'm gone from my earned amounts....significantly more than what he gets now. There will be no questions of how to handle things....they will already be handled for them to make it easier on them.
All I can hope is that, maybe, they'll understand....and forgive me. It may take me a long time to get these things done, but my mind is made up. Sad that, for the first time in my life....I feel at peace. Funny how life works out that way. For once....I feel like I've made the right decision....that I've found where I fit in. That I've done something RIGHT for once in my life.
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