Making sense of these feelings...

[ijustdontknowanymore]

I've posted once before I it was moved. I guess I didn't know what I was doing.

Anyway, I've been trying to seek help and after some many rejections from different doctors over the past 10 months have left me feeling defeated. I'm just looking for hel. That's all! I have very good health insurance and I have a private psychiatrist (who is on leave til Sept). She left me with a couple of referrals that ended before gettig started. After beening rejected so many times I just gave up. I started to find help online and writen daily e-mails to keep talking to someone. I have no support. I people who I talked to don't understand and I started to sink deeper in depression and thoughts of suicide where becoming more that a passing thought. I secretly planned everything. I'm very tired and I was not planning on dealing with this. I'm caused enough financial problems (medical bills) and taking my family down with me. I should stop all of this now. It's rather simple. I worked out every detail. All the way to handling of my body and where they will find my body and my notes. Right now I still talking. and I hope to keep talking. This is my only place I feel I can talk without any judgements placed upon me. I will take my doctor's advice and stay away from the hospitals

Anyone out there that don't mind talking to me. I just need someone to talk to. Keep me from spiraling down. I don't know when my doctor will return, but I need help now. When things get beyond what I can handle, I will admit myself (again) inti the psy ward. This time I don't think I will make it out of there. If I end up there again, I will know what to do and where. After being in 3 different hospitals, I know I will be placed in the locked unit if I disclosed my thoughts and detailed plans. I'm a "true" hopeless case.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

Hmmmm well I will always listen and impart my advice.... just not as fast as I would like what with being under-moderation and everything...

If you are still here just control yourself for a few more days.. it is almost September. I don't know what else to say... if you are controlling it now just keep controlling it til your therapist returns... I believe you can.

 

[silverflash]

Wow - I can really say that I understand. I too have been rejected by doctors for the past 2 years - who have told me that I am too traumatised to be helped. This has led to my feelings of suicide as if they can't help me, then who can?
I understand you when you say that you have no support. At the moment, I can trully say that my only support is SF. I too have nobody to express my painful emotions too. I have tried to keep them bottled up, but it is becoming too much. I know what you mean when you feel judged by everybody on the outside. I went to see a counsellor this week and she asked me if I was feeling suicidal. I couldn't tell her the truth as if I did, I knew exactly where I would end up!!
I can not judge you as I would be judging myself too. I think at the moment the most important thing is to talk, as you say, without being judged. I really understand when you say that you feel that you are a hopeless case. I too feel like that. Somwhow , somewhere, I desperately want to find some hope and I would want that for you too.
A big hug to you - and please remember - I REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO FEEL THAT YOU ARE A HOPELESS CASE - but remember this too - while you can talk on SF there is hope!
Take care and hoping that somehow this thread has helped you. Please reply if you want to talk more.
xxx

 

[gentlelady]

I will talk with you if you need someone hun. I know there are many others here at SF that would be willing as well. PM me if you would like. We can get something set up. I don't think you are a helpless case. It sounds as if you truly want help and are willing to work on it to make things seem better. As long as that hope is still alive, there are things that can be done. Please keep trying. Post as often as you would like. Get your feelings out into the open. :hug:

 

[Marshmallow]

im here if you need to talk, feel free to pm or email me, my msn addie is even in my profile :smile:

if you want to talk im here :smile:

take care

vikki x :hugs:

 

[ijustdontknowanymore]

Thank you for your meesages. I didn't were else to turn to so I decided to write. I've had a couple of severe suicidal thoughts that lead to things that I don't want to admit I've done. Everyone would like these thoughts to go away, but it take energy to overcome them. The hospital experience has made me more guarded and I don't talk about everything I feel. I know that's not being honest, but it's my way of keeping out of the hospital. It's sad to know that we are here (well, some of us) because there is nowhere esle to turn to. I've take out all of the ropes and wires in my home, but that's the easy part. Stoping the thoughts that lead to putting the rope around my neck will be the hardest part to stop. Thank you everyone who left me messages.

 

[Marshmallow]

hi, seems like your going thru a particular hard time at the moment, maybe your'll find it easier to talk to us about what your feeling or your thoughts, we won't judge simply try and help you, sometimes its easier to talk to a complete stranger or someone that doesn't know you in person, everyones here to help :hug:

take care

vikki x

 

[zura]

Hey,i'm here too before I die soon...Dun kill yourself for there r so many people who cares bout you...Unlike me..Argh,cut that off...Ya knoe,I never have any appointment with any shrink,juz a lousy school shrink,...Anyway,don't count on those 'normal' people for they never care..they juz pretend to care,my buddy...Anyway,i'm here..n we're here n we care..Are we??:cool:

 

[wanderingsoul]

hi i am new to this forum but i think i can say that i know how you feel
to some degree i feel the same way often
please feel free to PM me anytime and i promise i will get back to you
lets fight this disease together

stay safe, S

 

[Marshmallow]

ijustdontknowanymore i know what you told me in the pm is difficult, but im here for you :biggrin: and i truely meant what i said in the last pm, please stick with us, and stay in contact :biggrin:

vikki x

 

[wienerman]

hey, you can always talk to me if you need any help, and there are many others as you have found out that are willing to help out too.

 

[ijustdontknowanymore]

I started to talk to someone on the suicide hotline (Samaritans). I'm not sure if they could help me, but writing to them has uncovered some of the deep seated thoughts that have me continuously thinking about ways to stop the feelings. They asked me what I would want to see change in my life to better deal with suicidal urges. I wish it's that simple. I'm sure everyone here can relate to that. This is my reply to them. I know everyone has a different problem, but writing them down has helped with the urges. Maybe some could be helped by writing to them. The Samaritans.

My reply to Samaritans about my physical problems:

The difficultly in wanting things to be better is nearly impossible. Because I didn't have a choice in the surgeries, I couldn't have known what side effect was going to happen. I wished that I didn't have the nerve damage that occurred. The prostate removal was the most crushing. Losing the ability to ejaculate and orgasm was difficult, but as time passed and knowing that it wasn't going to come back was hard. Having orgasms isn't the most important thing and I know there are other ways of feeling pleasure. I've been working with a sex surrogate to do that. It's been a year of therapy and I still cry after the appointments. The removal of the testicle was more difficult because it was something that I could see and feel. I first had to deal with feeling like "damaged goods". I didn't deal with this very well and didn't talk about it. I've been on testosterone replacement therapy and my hormones has been up and down that lead to depression and sleep disorders. Also it is even more difficult when I feel more desire at times and can't masturbate to release the tension. Just writing this is difficult. I doning everything I can to deal with this through therapy and the feeling of the sexual loss is more difficult to deal with than I can handle.

The suicidal urges come and go. Hormones has something to do with it and I can't only do so much to even this out. I do have severe times of wanting to die and not feel frustrated anymore. The problem is how long will I be able to stop the suicidal urges. These are problems that I will likely have for the rest of my life. I don't think I will make it. I honestly feel I would rather go than deal with this feeling. It's horrible.

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I need the help of this site and the people who has replied to me. Maybe writing to them will not solve your problems, but it might help alittle. It's better than nothing.