I had a bit of an epiphany this AM when I woke up. for like the fourth time and i knew that i wasn't going to be going back to sleep because my body had had enough. i was immediately, almost habitually now, annoyed at having lost the last part of my holiday weekend, so i started to peer into 'why' again. it occurred to me that - on looking at the outside - i might be depressed, given that i have little motivation for anything, good bad or indifferent and spend a lot of time either asleep or napping. i realized that i like that state because nothing ever happens with lasting consequences. and frankly suicide seems like a way to make that stick. go to sleep. stay asleep. no more hassles. i mean figuring out this next bit just makes me want to go back to sleep, but its the first time i ever thought about going through the door with <mod edit - method> - just seems, i dunno, nicer? than arranging other means. like it's not hard to come up with ways to die with stuff that's readily available, but they usually require enough anger? drive? to want to push back and put the pieces together.
anyway, that's all. severe anhedonia and zero motivation (outside of keeping a roof over my head - which problem disappears if I do) and some level of dread (not as hot as fear) that something wil, inevitably, go deeply wrong if i actually engage
is this being depressed?
anyway, that's all. severe anhedonia and zero motivation (outside of keeping a roof over my head - which problem disappears if I do) and some level of dread (not as hot as fear) that something wil, inevitably, go deeply wrong if i actually engage
is this being depressed?
Last edited by a moderator:
