Hi Shellz
I was so sorry to learn your not feeling ok at the moment. You do sound so very down. I unfortunately, as much as I would like to offer some quick fix solutions to get you back on the straight and narrow, I can't, and no words tend to help when you feel so low. I remember it was always like 'blah blah blah' in my ears when everyone used to say, pull your self together man, but you can't, can you.
What is clear though is, you need to talk about this, you mention physical and emotional abuse, your bad memories, feelings of being unwanted, loneliness and ultimately a feeling of being unloved. All these are the rawest of emotions and to some degree, I am sure most people on here have felt that very same way too at sometime in their lives.
You say you have no future? You are very wrong. Everyone has a future, its very design is what you make of it. I left school with no qualifications but I managed to turn my life around and am now doing a PhD. in Geography. No one ever said life was easy but you can do it, you can be anything you want to be honey. Its only as limited, as your imagination.
My best friend Deano killed himself and in his last letter (email) he wrote the very same thing... no one will miss me....I think of him every single day, I miss him terribly and the wound is still deep and raw 4 years on and I am still bloody angry for him doing it.... I guarantee you, you would be missed and people would suffer in your place.
As a human, you have the capacity to be anything you want to be, its a gift that was given to us by genetic design, to change, influence others through our very actions but because of this design we also have the ability to destroy ourselves and suffer, its a curse we have from the moment we have the capability of thought and ultimately guilt. Your mind is the most advanced computer ever made, you are one of the most complex organism in the universe, you are truly amazing..you are special... and I can see from just a few lines on a screen how intelligent you are. If you could only see that for yourself.
My final point is you need some help, that might be just someone to talk to, it might be a doctor but you must talk it through with someone. Although I cannot offer advice, I am only ever a PM away. Even if its just for a chat with what you been up to today. You don't need to go through this on your own.
Thinking of you.
Sean xoxoxoxoxo
