missing her

[Bbear82]

October 22nd, 2004 was the hardest day of my life. That is the day I let my beautiful daughter be at peace. She was four. I talked to many doctors and got as many opinions as i could but in the end the decision to take her off life support fell on me. Although, i miss her and was told she would only be in pain and nothing more this choice i made still haunts me. As the day comes closer its getting harder and harder not to beat myself up. i would like to think that it would get easier but it isnt and the pain is starting to get to me. i made the choice that i did hoping to ease her pain and although i stand behind my decision i am beating myself up over it so much right now. She was only four and didnt get the chance to grow up. i miss all the things that i could have done with her and all the things i missed out on. as this day approaches it tears me up inside. did i make the right choice only God knows that answer. I feel like i was selfish and what if things would have improved. i took her life away and i still dont know how to come to peace with this. i miss her so much and miss her in the deepest parts of my soul. she has a beautiful little sister and although its getting easier to talk to her about her sister the questions are still heart breaking. my living daughter asked me today, if i was forced to make that choice with her would i make that same choice. she is also asking alot more questions about her sister and has even put pictures up that i had put away. this is the hardest year because my youngest is now at that age where she has questions and wants to know. i try to keep her spirit alive and celebrate her life but am finding it difficult to be at any form of peace with it. i just miss her so much and long to hold her in my arms

 

[Petal]

I'm at a loss for words here.... we are here for you . Celebrate her life with her pictures with your other little girl, tell her how beautiful and sweet she was and of course your precious memories, you will always have them, keep them locked in your heart forever. Do not feel guilty, you did what you thought was best and that's all. May your beautiful little girl rest in peace for eternity. No blaming yourself, you have no guilt inside of you, the doctors wouldn't have let her pass away if they thought any different could have been done. Bless x 💖

 

[Walker]

I missed this thread but wanted to say hello and wish you well

 

[Bbear82]

Thanks @Walker i appreciate it

 

[Auri]

I also didn't see this at all... You're in my thoughts, sweet Bbear. You are the best mom a child could have, ok? Lots of love sent to you. ♡♡♡

 

[Bbear82]

Thanks for the kind words @Auri . I’m trying to be a good mom to my other kiddo

 

[Atreides]

My mother got upset earlier talking about losing my sister. While I never lost a child myself, I've seen how it effects people. I wish you the best.

 

[may71]

Bbear, you made the most unselfish and loving choice you could have under incredibly difficult circumstances. Please be gentle with yourself, you did the best thing that you could have done.

Hugs Bbear

 

[Bbear82]

I find it hard to be gentle with myself especially with this it is just hard to do still

 

[Raven]

I find it hard to be gentle with myself especially with this it is just hard to do still

I feel sad reading your story...and hope you feel better.

 

[may71]

I find it hard to be gentle with myself especially with this it is just hard to do still

Maybe on an intellectual level you can understand that you did the right thing. Understanding on an emotional level can be a lot harder.

You made the most unselfish and loving choice you could have under incredibly difficult circumstances.

 

[Mato]

I don't have many words because it's difficult, very difficult. Always remember the beautiful memories you had together. I wish you a lot of strength.

 

[Sunspots]

I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling or how hard that decision would have been. All I know is that I hope somebody has the love and courage to make that decision for me if needed.

 

[SillyOldBear]

What a nightmare decision to have to make. For you child. I understand how this time of year can be so hard for you.

 

[Bbear82]

Thanks @Sunspots and @SillyOldBear for your kind words and for all the support you have done for me your words mean the world