-
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: Please read THIS THREAD about a rebrand for SF.
Missing my wife
- Thread starter 1Lefty
- Start date
Thank you, each of you, who have read or responded. I think people who knew us, knew that there was something special there.
I was organizing my guitar strings today, Alesia found one of her favorite discount stores sold guitar strings, and from then on, I got extra sets of strings (needed or not) whether she bought anything for herself.
I spent some time today with our emails, heartbreakingly sweet, joy in knowing that she had been part of my life and then terribly sad that she was gone, no more emails or love letters or surprise treats or guitar strings. It's that emptiness that torments me, after having an overflowing heart, now trying to adjust to the vacancy.
Someone (Total Eclipse, paraphrased) in another of my threads said that Alesia would not approve of me hurting myself, and somehow that thought made it through the rubble and destruction and allowed me to grasp it. Yes, she would likely be horrified. That thought may stand to battle the other thought "She's my friend, she need's me"
Enough for tonight, peace to all
I was organizing my guitar strings today, Alesia found one of her favorite discount stores sold guitar strings, and from then on, I got extra sets of strings (needed or not) whether she bought anything for herself.
I spent some time today with our emails, heartbreakingly sweet, joy in knowing that she had been part of my life and then terribly sad that she was gone, no more emails or love letters or surprise treats or guitar strings. It's that emptiness that torments me, after having an overflowing heart, now trying to adjust to the vacancy.
Someone (Total Eclipse, paraphrased) in another of my threads said that Alesia would not approve of me hurting myself, and somehow that thought made it through the rubble and destruction and allowed me to grasp it. Yes, she would likely be horrified. That thought may stand to battle the other thought "She's my friend, she need's me"
Enough for tonight, peace to all
I was reading this and thought it might be of some help Bob..
thinking of you :hug:
When You Feel Like You Can't Go On, Please Hold On.
by Tammie Byram Fowles, LISW, Ph.D -
I’m sorry that you’re hurting so desperately right now. I know how painful the seconds, and minutes, and days can be, how long the nights are. I understand how very hard holding on is, and how much courage it takes.
I ask though that you hold on to one day at a time. Just one day, and slowly this despair will pass. The feelings you fear you’re trapped in will serve their purpose, and then fade away.
Hard to imagine isn’t it? Almost impossible to believe when every cell in your body seems to cry out in agony, desperately in need of comfort. When it feels like the only thing in the whole world that can touch your pain and banish it is beyond your grasp.
And after all this time, the assurance that you will heal has become an empty broken promise. Just let one tiny cell in your body continue to believe in the promise of healing. Just one. You can surrender every other cell to your despair.
Just that one little cell of faith that you can heal and be whole again is enough to keep you going, is enough to lead you through the darkness. Although it can’t banish your suffering, it can sustain you until the time comes for you to let your pain go. And the letting go can only occur in its own time, as much as we would like to push the pain away forever.
Hold on. Hold on to appreciate the beauty of the earth, to feel the songs of the birds in your heart, to learn and to teach, to laugh a genuine laugh, to dance on the beach, to rest peacefully, to experience contentment, to want to be no other place but in the here and now, to trust in yourself, and to trust your life.
Hold on because it’s worth the terrible waiting. Hold on because you are worthy. Hold on because the wisdom that will follow you out of this darkness will be a tremendous gift.
Hold on because you have so much love and joy waiting to be experienced.
Hold on because life is precious, even though it can bring terrible losses.
Hold on because there is so much that you can not imagine waiting ahead on your journey – a destiny that only you can fulfill.
Hold on although you’re exhausted and your grasp is shaky, and you want more than anything to let go sometimes.
Please hold on.
So much in life can be difficult, even impossible to understand. I know, I know. So many of us have cried in despair, why? Why? And still the answers and the comfort failed to show.
Survival can be a long and lonely road, in spite of all those who’ve stumbled down the path before you. And it can be a treacherous, tortuous journey - so easy to get lost, and yet impossible to avoid even one painful step.
And the light, the light at the end of the dark tunnel for so long cannot be seen, although eventually you’ll begin to feel it’s warmth as you move forward. And forward you must move in order to get through the hell of remembering, of despair, of rage, of grief. Keep looking forward, please.
Rest if you must, doubt your ability to survive the journey if you have to, but never let go of the guide ropes, although when you close your fingers around them, your hands feel empty, they are there. Please trust me, they are there.
When you’re exhausted, when all you have to count on is weakened, weary faith, hold on.
When you think you want to die, hold on until you recognize that it’s not death you seek, but for the pain to go away.
Hold on, because this darkness will surely fade away.
Hold on for one more day
thinking of you :hug:
When You Feel Like You Can't Go On, Please Hold On.
by Tammie Byram Fowles, LISW, Ph.D -
I’m sorry that you’re hurting so desperately right now. I know how painful the seconds, and minutes, and days can be, how long the nights are. I understand how very hard holding on is, and how much courage it takes.
I ask though that you hold on to one day at a time. Just one day, and slowly this despair will pass. The feelings you fear you’re trapped in will serve their purpose, and then fade away.
Hard to imagine isn’t it? Almost impossible to believe when every cell in your body seems to cry out in agony, desperately in need of comfort. When it feels like the only thing in the whole world that can touch your pain and banish it is beyond your grasp.
And after all this time, the assurance that you will heal has become an empty broken promise. Just let one tiny cell in your body continue to believe in the promise of healing. Just one. You can surrender every other cell to your despair.
Just that one little cell of faith that you can heal and be whole again is enough to keep you going, is enough to lead you through the darkness. Although it can’t banish your suffering, it can sustain you until the time comes for you to let your pain go. And the letting go can only occur in its own time, as much as we would like to push the pain away forever.
Hold on. Hold on to appreciate the beauty of the earth, to feel the songs of the birds in your heart, to learn and to teach, to laugh a genuine laugh, to dance on the beach, to rest peacefully, to experience contentment, to want to be no other place but in the here and now, to trust in yourself, and to trust your life.
Hold on because it’s worth the terrible waiting. Hold on because you are worthy. Hold on because the wisdom that will follow you out of this darkness will be a tremendous gift.
Hold on because you have so much love and joy waiting to be experienced.
Hold on because life is precious, even though it can bring terrible losses.
Hold on because there is so much that you can not imagine waiting ahead on your journey – a destiny that only you can fulfill.
Hold on although you’re exhausted and your grasp is shaky, and you want more than anything to let go sometimes.
Please hold on.
So much in life can be difficult, even impossible to understand. I know, I know. So many of us have cried in despair, why? Why? And still the answers and the comfort failed to show.
Survival can be a long and lonely road, in spite of all those who’ve stumbled down the path before you. And it can be a treacherous, tortuous journey - so easy to get lost, and yet impossible to avoid even one painful step.
And the light, the light at the end of the dark tunnel for so long cannot be seen, although eventually you’ll begin to feel it’s warmth as you move forward. And forward you must move in order to get through the hell of remembering, of despair, of rage, of grief. Keep looking forward, please.
Rest if you must, doubt your ability to survive the journey if you have to, but never let go of the guide ropes, although when you close your fingers around them, your hands feel empty, they are there. Please trust me, they are there.
When you’re exhausted, when all you have to count on is weakened, weary faith, hold on.
When you think you want to die, hold on until you recognize that it’s not death you seek, but for the pain to go away.
Hold on, because this darkness will surely fade away.
Hold on for one more day
Just a few quick thoughts tonight. It was after we determined we'd be together somehow, and I think it started with me having a bad day at work. Alesia started telling me some of the things that were my strengths, and that she admired about me. It was gentle, affirmative, unforced and then I took part with her, the sweetness, the patience, the way she could talk to a child, or an elderly person, mentally challenged, or people of our age and relate to each at their own level, as a true equal. We didn't do it every day, but when one of us was down, we called for a meeting of the Mutual Admiration Society. And it worked.
Then, given her love of Scrabble, we started to challenge each other with a word of the day - to provide spelling and definition of the word, without cheating. She tended to win frequently there as well, but there's something enriching about interacting with someone that way.
No song tonight, just the line "If this is the kind of love that the old folks warned us about, We're in trouble, We're in real big trouble" from"9-1-1" by Wyclef Jean and Mary J. Blige
Peace
Then, given her love of Scrabble, we started to challenge each other with a word of the day - to provide spelling and definition of the word, without cheating. She tended to win frequently there as well, but there's something enriching about interacting with someone that way.
No song tonight, just the line "If this is the kind of love that the old folks warned us about, We're in trouble, We're in real big trouble" from"9-1-1" by Wyclef Jean and Mary J. Blige
Peace
Something of an unusual post today. We both had furnished homes , and then we loved garage sales, thrift stores, farm auctions - in short,the possessions
were overwhelming us. But every time the idea came to get rid of something, there was a fond story, or it was just TOO good to let go of. And then our uncle, an antiques dealer, who always told us when we scored a nice piece. One of his friends commented that our decor beat a lot of that in "Southern Living". Ahhhhh, that implied encouragement to keep chasing finds.
After Alesia passed, I knew I was being swallowed by the material things, and it was that experience that led me to start (very slowly) donating, selling, giving away those items. It was not anything material in my life that I was grieving over, but that sweet intangible I craved.
Then something happened to impose time restrictions - my sis, bro in law and family bought a nice house. I was very happy for them. However, my own home still lacked room, and there was a matter of 15-20 years of my own
accumulation being stored in their basement. And I was there to help sort, between trash, keepers (mostly family heirlooms) and then my own abundance (phonograph records, biker mags pseudo porn, and some wonderful literary gems). I did throw out a water bed mattress. And I realized almost all of this was pre Alesia. Suits she had never seen me in. Caps that she would had laughed at, but then said "Baby you go right ahead and wear that cap wherever you want". But still the missing her came strong, that there was that much of me that she didn't get to know. And what a glorious and grateful love came from that section of time we had.
Peace to all, hope today brings you some sweet memories.
were overwhelming us. But every time the idea came to get rid of something, there was a fond story, or it was just TOO good to let go of. And then our uncle, an antiques dealer, who always told us when we scored a nice piece. One of his friends commented that our decor beat a lot of that in "Southern Living". Ahhhhh, that implied encouragement to keep chasing finds.
After Alesia passed, I knew I was being swallowed by the material things, and it was that experience that led me to start (very slowly) donating, selling, giving away those items. It was not anything material in my life that I was grieving over, but that sweet intangible I craved.
Then something happened to impose time restrictions - my sis, bro in law and family bought a nice house. I was very happy for them. However, my own home still lacked room, and there was a matter of 15-20 years of my own
accumulation being stored in their basement. And I was there to help sort, between trash, keepers (mostly family heirlooms) and then my own abundance (phonograph records, biker mags pseudo porn, and some wonderful literary gems). I did throw out a water bed mattress. And I realized almost all of this was pre Alesia. Suits she had never seen me in. Caps that she would had laughed at, but then said "Baby you go right ahead and wear that cap wherever you want". But still the missing her came strong, that there was that much of me that she didn't get to know. And what a glorious and grateful love came from that section of time we had.
Peace to all, hope today brings you some sweet memories.
I can hear the sounds of a college marching band, the booming bass drums, the whistles, the pageantry and pride. U of Michigan and Michigan State homecoming games were MUST SEES, and that was part of our fall ritual. She was more into sports than I was (even boxing). That was a carryover from her father, who had two older sons, but it was his baby girl that snuggled next him as he explained different plays and players to her. A bag of popcorn or chips, some apple cider or non-alcoholic beer and some of the best afternoons I will remember. We got by a lot on simple pleasures, but with each other, it was a buffet.
And the people I met, who had known her as a toddler or child, each one confirmed that cheery smile, the friendly disposition, the sweetness. Elderly or her own age (some from 7 years old-40 years). She kept her friends and was always the one who sent Valentines Day cards, or birthday cards and kept in touch, sometimes just checking in phone calls. She educated me on Sweetest Day (3rd Saturday in October) and better known around the Great Lakes States. I used to have to search for one here in the midwest, but Hallmark covered that one, too. I haven't checked the last two years, nor watched any football games.
I guess that was coming, a strange birth on it's way to surface, ripping it's way free, as those paralyzing tears, crying so hard I'm cramping O yes, its been one of those days. A new emotion has worked it's way in - anger. I hope not, if I don't do grief well, you should see me and anger, including anger at myself.
And the people I met, who had known her as a toddler or child, each one confirmed that cheery smile, the friendly disposition, the sweetness. Elderly or her own age (some from 7 years old-40 years). She kept her friends and was always the one who sent Valentines Day cards, or birthday cards and kept in touch, sometimes just checking in phone calls. She educated me on Sweetest Day (3rd Saturday in October) and better known around the Great Lakes States. I used to have to search for one here in the midwest, but Hallmark covered that one, too. I haven't checked the last two years, nor watched any football games.
I guess that was coming, a strange birth on it's way to surface, ripping it's way free, as those paralyzing tears, crying so hard I'm cramping O yes, its been one of those days. A new emotion has worked it's way in - anger. I hope not, if I don't do grief well, you should see me and anger, including anger at myself.
More mood swings today, mainly trying to keep my anger and sarcasm in limit, I was mainly with my bro in law, who is a really decent guy, buts he getting shit from all sides, so I tried not to add to it,
And a random mood, it happens , but not often, I blame Alesia. I blame her for leaving me abandoned. And then I feel guilty because nothing would tear her apart from me. I'm not overtly suicidal, but there is nothing keeping me here.
"and until we meet again, peace be with you my friend" Alesia's closing in an email
And a random mood, it happens , but not often, I blame Alesia. I blame her for leaving me abandoned. And then I feel guilty because nothing would tear her apart from me. I'm not overtly suicidal, but there is nothing keeping me here.
"and until we meet again, peace be with you my friend" Alesia's closing in an email
Haven't posted in this thread for awhile, so I thouht I'd add an observation I had today. As mentioned in other threads, I'm moving many goods from storage to my house. In trying to organize some space in the cluttered garage, I came across a home made tool carrier, about 15" x 5", constructed of plywood, with several open compartments, and holes in the end sections for a hand-knotted rope handle to fit. It was obviously well used, painted black but the edges rounded off to the bare wood underneath by constant use. It was exactly the type of item that appealed to Alesia and I. I even recalled the exact garage sale I purchased it at.
You see, there were two of the carriers, almost identical, one a faded yellow ( of course destined for Alesia), which she happily put to use in the living room, accenting an accumulation of vintage cans, and adding a homey detail to the corner. I wish I could claim as well used purpose for mine, but it lay forgotten in the garage, admired by no one. But her eyes had a decorator's vision for detail, without becoming overly busy, and so was included in our unique decor. Eclectic, bohemian, country chic, and always with a warm, glowing, gourgeous grin, that was the true highlight of the room.
It's hurt a lot today, it's hurt a lot lately. RIP my lady
You see, there were two of the carriers, almost identical, one a faded yellow ( of course destined for Alesia), which she happily put to use in the living room, accenting an accumulation of vintage cans, and adding a homey detail to the corner. I wish I could claim as well used purpose for mine, but it lay forgotten in the garage, admired by no one. But her eyes had a decorator's vision for detail, without becoming overly busy, and so was included in our unique decor. Eclectic, bohemian, country chic, and always with a warm, glowing, gourgeous grin, that was the true highlight of the room.
It's hurt a lot today, it's hurt a lot lately. RIP my lady
Your story is beautiful. I'm in a public place right now connected to Wi-Fi reading this and I nearly burst out crying. I allowed a few tears to fall. It seems you truly met your beautiful match in life and she was taken from you, just like that. However there is one thing that hasn't been taken from you, that is your memories together. That can never be lost. If I could I would give you a big hug. RIP Alesia.
Thanks Jonathan .
Not as good a day today, more packing and moving. Came across a small cabinet that we had purchased, I immediately remembered it. Alesia loved it and wanted me to refinish it. I found it today in a state of being only partially stripped, no idea what had interrupted me, but the important thing was that I had a chance to do something pleasing for my wife and failed.
And in the midst of moving, rearranging furniture, stacking boxes, I was reminded of a request she made, possibly Valentine's Day, I had asked what gift she would like, and she responded that she just wanted the living room cleaned up so it didn't look so junky - you see, she had decorated the living room with such love and care, but I had gotten in the habit of just using it as a storage for my latest purchases, projects or carelessly throwing a jacket or cap. The appearance diminished and took away from her loving efforts. I admit that the task was never accomplished, she didn't live to see the living room restored to the welcoming focal point she had worked for it to be.
While moving boxes today, I was forced to admit that moving those boxes, cleaning and straightening the living room, would have been no greater task then than it was now. Another chance to have brought some pleasure to Alesia, another failure, but she never criticized me , or voiced disappointment for my lack to complete the tasks.
I'm humilated, that some simple tasks didn't get accomplished for Alesia. I don't know whether I thought there would be endless time, and that I would "someday" finish. I don't know if I was distracted by something else, but I'm hurt and angry at myself that I didn't do those simple requests for her.
Love you baby, miss you, I'm so sorry, I wish I could have lived up to the example you set for me.
Not as good a day today, more packing and moving. Came across a small cabinet that we had purchased, I immediately remembered it. Alesia loved it and wanted me to refinish it. I found it today in a state of being only partially stripped, no idea what had interrupted me, but the important thing was that I had a chance to do something pleasing for my wife and failed.
And in the midst of moving, rearranging furniture, stacking boxes, I was reminded of a request she made, possibly Valentine's Day, I had asked what gift she would like, and she responded that she just wanted the living room cleaned up so it didn't look so junky - you see, she had decorated the living room with such love and care, but I had gotten in the habit of just using it as a storage for my latest purchases, projects or carelessly throwing a jacket or cap. The appearance diminished and took away from her loving efforts. I admit that the task was never accomplished, she didn't live to see the living room restored to the welcoming focal point she had worked for it to be.
While moving boxes today, I was forced to admit that moving those boxes, cleaning and straightening the living room, would have been no greater task then than it was now. Another chance to have brought some pleasure to Alesia, another failure, but she never criticized me , or voiced disappointment for my lack to complete the tasks.
I'm humilated, that some simple tasks didn't get accomplished for Alesia. I don't know whether I thought there would be endless time, and that I would "someday" finish. I don't know if I was distracted by something else, but I'm hurt and angry at myself that I didn't do those simple requests for her.
Love you baby, miss you, I'm so sorry, I wish I could have lived up to the example you set for me.
Alesia loved me, and was devoted to me in spite of my faults and shortcomings. There are plenty of times like this for me to remind myself that I could have done more, but its too late now. Maybe I'm too self-centered to recognize the opportunities I had to be more attentive, and done better for the one woman who gave me supreme love.
RIP Alesia, I will always remember you
RIP Alesia, I will always remember you
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond.
Actually, I have found that this "Loved and Lost" section (along with PMs from this group) have been the most effective grief support I have found. I have been through (and will probably again attend a series provided by a local church) and some one-on-one from exprienced individuals, and read numerous books, including the book of Job.
My psych doc may have hit the combination of meds that allows my mind to function more properly while trying to process this.As I was told in the hospital, the rest of it is going to be mostly time, having the patience and endurance to survive.
It does really help, being able to share memories of Alesia.
Actually, I have found that this "Loved and Lost" section (along with PMs from this group) have been the most effective grief support I have found. I have been through (and will probably again attend a series provided by a local church) and some one-on-one from exprienced individuals, and read numerous books, including the book of Job.
My psych doc may have hit the combination of meds that allows my mind to function more properly while trying to process this.As I was told in the hospital, the rest of it is going to be mostly time, having the patience and endurance to survive.
It does really help, being able to share memories of Alesia.
And self compassion and caring...we all could have done better in hindsight...we could have listened better, given more and done many more things with a full heart...but like all the other flawed beings on this planet, we do our best...wishing you some respite and the ability to take time to care for yourself...from what you have written, you love deeply and are so insightful...I think those combinations make the grieving process more difficult...when my best friend died 20 years ago, I was left with a sadness that is with me today that seemed the purest I have ever felt...we had what one would say, 'a nearly perfect' relationship...he loved me and I him from a place that few experience...it seems that you loved from that place too...please know that there are few people who can love in that way, and for that you can be proud...much caring
You write with beauty, I can picture it all in my mind, I want to hear more as soon as your ready...
Time is a healer, you will have your wife everyday, beside you, guiding you,listening, feeling your pain and joy.
It hurts I honestly know but you have time, life, you can be happy again but you have to learn how to live in a new way first.
You can do it because you learnt how to love before and you can learn how to live in this new way too,
If you look around you, go on just look.. The world is still the same, the sun will shine, the rain will still fall, the washing still needs to be washed just like it always did.... You have a chance to see it all, go to places you always wanted see things now that you never thought you would... Not just places but things, like trees, the sea the mountains.
Be brave, try to be strong and if you can't- share your pain... Have faith in people x friends x family x
Time is a healer, you will have your wife everyday, beside you, guiding you,listening, feeling your pain and joy.
It hurts I honestly know but you have time, life, you can be happy again but you have to learn how to live in a new way first.
You can do it because you learnt how to love before and you can learn how to live in this new way too,
If you look around you, go on just look.. The world is still the same, the sun will shine, the rain will still fall, the washing still needs to be washed just like it always did.... You have a chance to see it all, go to places you always wanted see things now that you never thought you would... Not just places but things, like trees, the sea the mountains.
Be brave, try to be strong and if you can't- share your pain... Have faith in people x friends x family x