-
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: Please read THIS THREAD about a rebrand for SF.
Musings, ideas, what are you thinking about?
- Thread starter Gonz
- Start date
I foresaid good relations w/ an acquaintance of mine wouldn't last.
Yesterday confirmed þæt time is now. My inner emotional reactions, like a pang of jealousy when she chatted happily w/ anoþer coworker like I þoht she and I used to, proves to me I am immature. However, if þis childishness is in me, better I find it and face it.
Yesterday confirmed þæt time is now. My inner emotional reactions, like a pang of jealousy when she chatted happily w/ anoþer coworker like I þoht she and I used to, proves to me I am immature. However, if þis childishness is in me, better I find it and face it.
Human minds and souls are not monoliths or singularities. We're bodies of water.
Over þe last day alone, I have realized and wrestled w/ þings of great heft.
Yet, yesterday, as I've just þoht about again and posted immediately preceding þis post, I þink also, and become preoccupied wiþ, someþing so petty as souring relations w/ a stranger.
Over þe last day alone, I have realized and wrestled w/ þings of great heft.
Yet, yesterday, as I've just þoht about again and posted immediately preceding þis post, I þink also, and become preoccupied wiþ, someþing so petty as souring relations w/ a stranger.
I was remembering you again today, Wendy. Your suffering, ending, and what you wrote is not lost on me. Gene, I'll never forget you either. You and all the others. I listened, I noticed, I cared, and a part of you will always be a part of me, it was not in vain because you've helped shape how I see things today.
Oh, that's not it. Throughout the day, she ignored me completely; she didn't even look at me. We used to chat it up.
Alone this wouldn't mean much, but I've been worse and worse lately, making mistakes; rightfully she's been talking less and less to me. At least two particular happenings of the last time I saw her before this newest one: first, a time that I grew passive-aggressive- for which I hate me so much- in response to a joke of hers that was meant to be friendly roast-humor, and SHE stepped up and called it out and asked me to give a clear answer on whether I disliked that joke. The second thing is that I was backing up from a till at the counter and neglected to be aware of her behind me; I bumped into her. Shes much smaller than me, so she was sent back and landed onto something. My reaction was blubbering apology, which I SHOULDN'T have done, because I've had a year now to learn she doesn't like such petty displays, and she hates being babied; she screamed to not touch her and stormed away. No blame.
This isn't animosity; I doubt she hates me. I'm not worth the calories needed to hate. But I do know that with my slip-ups, she's been finding out- at the same time that I have- that I'm far more immature than I've presented at first. Clearly I don't know myself well, and what I've kept hidden, includng from myself, resurfaces in bad ways. I'm a red flag, until I change myself. She recognizes this, I acknowledge. She's distancing from toxin. I should grow to respect her wishes- I tell myself I already do, but the fact I inwardly jolted when she was having a good chat with someone else shows me otherwise- and give her distance, too. Luckily, I think I reciprocated neutral silence well, this newest day. Hopefully will again, until I've fully accepted reality.
Alone this wouldn't mean much, but I've been worse and worse lately, making mistakes; rightfully she's been talking less and less to me. At least two particular happenings of the last time I saw her before this newest one: first, a time that I grew passive-aggressive- for which I hate me so much- in response to a joke of hers that was meant to be friendly roast-humor, and SHE stepped up and called it out and asked me to give a clear answer on whether I disliked that joke. The second thing is that I was backing up from a till at the counter and neglected to be aware of her behind me; I bumped into her. Shes much smaller than me, so she was sent back and landed onto something. My reaction was blubbering apology, which I SHOULDN'T have done, because I've had a year now to learn she doesn't like such petty displays, and she hates being babied; she screamed to not touch her and stormed away. No blame.
This isn't animosity; I doubt she hates me. I'm not worth the calories needed to hate. But I do know that with my slip-ups, she's been finding out- at the same time that I have- that I'm far more immature than I've presented at first. Clearly I don't know myself well, and what I've kept hidden, includng from myself, resurfaces in bad ways. I'm a red flag, until I change myself. She recognizes this, I acknowledge. She's distancing from toxin. I should grow to respect her wishes- I tell myself I already do, but the fact I inwardly jolted when she was having a good chat with someone else shows me otherwise- and give her distance, too. Luckily, I think I reciprocated neutral silence well, this newest day. Hopefully will again, until I've fully accepted reality.
Agreed, agreed, and agreed.
I have found a document I like, and I encourage you to read it. It's called, "Existence is Evidence of Immortality", by Michael Humer: https://philpapers.org/archive/HUEEIE-2
I have found a document I like, and I encourage you to read it. It's called, "Existence is Evidence of Immortality", by Michael Humer: https://philpapers.org/archive/HUEEIE-2
I finally understand what other's older than me have said, "If you live long enough, everyone leaves you eventually." And if you didn't know many to begin with, you have even less to remember.
I don't think everyone in life will experience this. My grandparents for example still had many people in their lives at the time of their departure. But I know, and so do many others that is not a guarantee.
Time/life is like a river, endlessly flowing towards an ocean with no boundaries, where souls depart from what they once knew, all attachments, and prepare for a chilled, diluted, existence among new strangers who all have one thing in common.
I don't think everyone in life will experience this. My grandparents for example still had many people in their lives at the time of their departure. But I know, and so do many others that is not a guarantee.
Time/life is like a river, endlessly flowing towards an ocean with no boundaries, where souls depart from what they once knew, all attachments, and prepare for a chilled, diluted, existence among new strangers who all have one thing in common.
I see things slightly differently. My mistakes make me who I am, learning and growing with each one. Many often use terms like, "If I could only do it again" or "If I knew then what I know now". But if you knew then, you wouldn't be who you are now. And if you could do it again, knowing the limited knowledge you had at the time, could/would things really be any different?
I think living life on the fly with no do-overs is the point, if there is any point. Mistakes and failures and more valuable to me than instant success or smooth sailing through life. Of course, they also suck when you're going through them and can lead to destruction. But given the choice, there's very little in my life I would go back and change that I have done, no regrets. Because I faced everything at the time I faced it as the only person I could be; me.
I think living life on the fly with no do-overs is the point, if there is any point. Mistakes and failures and more valuable to me than instant success or smooth sailing through life. Of course, they also suck when you're going through them and can lead to destruction. But given the choice, there's very little in my life I would go back and change that I have done, no regrets. Because I faced everything at the time I faced it as the only person I could be; me.
My only intrinsic reason for holding on, which comes and goes, is faith that I, yet "I", will recur again- to þese exact same parents, in þe exact same starting point at time of my conception, wiþ exact same þings already in motion at such time, being in motion.
I wish I had someone to talk to about it. At lengþ.
I wish I had someone to talk to about it. At lengþ.