My Death

[spl4tzy404]

I wish I could distance myself from thoughts about the future, but I can't. I might not want to necessarily be alive, but there is so much more to do and see and experience. There are beautiful things and there's joy and without a doubt, there is peace that can be found, and will be found for those who decide to stay. I wish with everything in me that knowing that still mattered to me enough to keep me here.
I love all of the beautiful things in life. I love life in general. How could I not, when it's all I've ever known? I love sunsets, and petting my dog, and though the Alabama heat is disgusting for 75% of the year, I love being alive to feel the last few months on the calendar. I love people. It never mattered to me that they didn't love me back, because love is all around and it is so, so incredibly beautiful. It is beautiful enough that even watching it and holding my own hand has been breathtaking enough. I've seen mothers and fathers love their children so wholly, and I've been nothing but blessed to imagine a reality where one day I could do the same, and regardless of how much it hurts, that is enough for me. I love how everything is so cinematic under certain light, and I love how it makes me all poetic. I love that it makes me want to write something beautiful. I love hearing laughter from strangers across the room, and if I could be a fly on the wall as opposed to a person, I'd trade it in a heartbeat all so I could be caught up in the beauty of the laughter for longer. I love food. I love microwave bean burritos, and I love potatoes and all of the wonderful ways you can eat them, and I especially love steak. I love getting high and I love getting drunk and I don't care if it sounds sad, because God, it is the only time I can be both awake and sleep and feel so many things at once. I love skating. I love music. Goodness, I love music. Heavy riffs, bass lines, and storytelling? Yes, please. Harmonies and gutturals and pig squeals. Bands and bandoms and the people in them-- they have my whole heart. I love punk. I love being a punk. I love everything we stand for, and I love how I found a home in it for the time being. I love to sing. In another world, I am a singer. In another world, none of this darkness matters, because I am touring and I don't have the time to feel the way I do. I would be seen and heard and felt and I could prove I'm more than the perceptions of myself people have made for me. I love writing. All of these things are beautiful. All of these things I love.
I have so much love for anything and everything. I have so much love to give. I wish just love was enough, and I wish I would've someday had the chance to be loved like how I love. I don't know why, but I feel all of this love so unconditionally. I feel it in my bones, as well, so once it gets it, I can't let it out, and if I had the chance to be loved, I would've been able to give it to someone. Maybe then I wouldn't feel it all so heavily, and I suppose that maybe then, I could have the chance to not love everything as deeply as I do, and I could be apathetic, and killing myself would be a whole lot easier.
The only thing I don't love is myself. Regardless of who I think I am, I am the evil that hurts others. I've been nothing but the cause for so much suffering in the beautiful lives of the people around me since birth, and I love all of that beauty too much to ruin it. I cannot, in good conscious, cause any more hurt to any more people. I can't be a burden who causes stress to others. That breaks my heart. It saddens me and I feel absolutely sick I've lingered this long, destroying everything around me without even knowing it. I have been a poison. I've been alone all of this time, wondering why, when in reality I am the pollution in fields eating up all of the beautiful grasses around me. I am a contagion. I am a cancer. Of course I am alone. The only thing left is me in my own head, and all of this borrowed time I'm using up to think.
<mod edit - timeline> I also don't really know how to feel about dying. I'm interested to see what happens afterwards. I am as at peace with it as I think I can be.
Thanks for anyone who took the time out of their day to read this.

 

[iwantpeace]

hey my other me...it's amazing..we have the same thoughts..same feelings...i wanted to kill myself these past years especially these past two years but this week was another thing..i never felt this useless,unwanted, not deserving of love,tired ,unlovable and suffocated like today.. and i'm barely hanging cuz of my faith mostly and childish feeling that tomorrow is gonna be better need to hang on so i can experience maybe a better tomorrow...i wanted to talk to other people like me, i even wondered if there are some people who felt like me so undeserving of love , like we love but no one loves us in return, only painful stuffs happening , family problems, like if your family , your own blood is the cause of your fall,depressions,sadness ..who will you turn to ? who will you trust ?! i can't trust ANYONE , i love , i care for others i feel happy when people are happy i judge no one but i cant ever be vulnerable in front of anyone ... im constantly afraid of opening up, and having no one who loves me doesnt help lmao.... i'm a clown person i always laugh and make others laugh to mask my immense sadness and emptiness...i'm a very good listener but no one listen to me and i'm afraid of even telling a thing scared that others are gonna use me, throw me, pity me ... i cheer up others but behind closed door i'm the sad one with no one .. no one to rely on or who understand me ...so istumbled upon this site and your message by chance and i found my twin...truly fate is real ..nothing happens without a reason ...i believe it wasn't an accident brother or sister ..so hang on...maybe we wouldn't meet , maybe we won't get along , maybe we will talk 2 times or 3 , but today and always i will cherish the memory of meeting you and maybe giving you a sign so you can live like you did for me ...reading your message made me cry so hard... i never felt this understood , your raw emotions was visible in your message i also felt your pain and sincerity and they matched mine.
in my religon, suicide is prohibited, as it's a form of disrespect to your creator who gave you life and didn't give it to someone else but also i believe to people who are born sick, handicaped , without limbs , with rare illnesses, people struggling everyday but still clinging to their life, people who are as we speak like palestinians dying like dogs on the street and the world being complice and silent and everone going on with their life while whole ass people are getting slaughtered worse than animals.. no one will come to their help while they want to live SO BADLY... i see killing myself as disrespectfull to be honest with you.
I laid my feelings bare , it feels good and in the end no phrase resumes my feelings as that phrase you have written : " I have so much love for anything and everything. I have so much love to give. I wish just love was enough, and I wish I would've someday had the chance to be loved like how I love. "
I wish for you and me from the bottom of my heart that someone will come and find us and get us out of this suffocating sea and be our anchor cuz even though we know how to swim in the sea, we are tired of swimming..
Hang on please hang on, how about we play a game ? each day we come and write any message we have in mind , it can be what we have done today, even a meanless phrase even a letter ,anything !
to keep the days going until something good happens to one of us ? will you play with me ?

 

[Dante]

I find that people who are conscientious enough to want to kill themselves for hurting others are rarely the actual problem. Lost of people will put blame onto others, I have been blames for a lot when I was younger but it was usually down to a refusal to communicate or them simply not getting what they wanted out of me and calling me out as the problem.

Many people just use others and if the other person is not happy to be used they blame them as someone toxic who hurts others. From your frankly beautiful "ode to love" of a farewell, I cant see you being a source of pain for others.

I regularly see myself as some hurtful toxic thing, but that's because I have strived my whole life to not be my father and I am always so critical of myself in case I slip up and turn into him. There are so many reasons to see ourselves as damaging, so the one rule I stand by is as above:

If you feel for others enough to value their happiness over your own life, you are probably NOT someone who hurts others. You are the kind of person worth keeping around.

 

[may71]

I've been nothing but the cause for so much suffering in the beautiful lives of the people around me since birth

Now wait, a little baby can't be blamed for other people suffering. It also sounds like you're being too harsh on yourself in general.

Do you want to say why you feel this way?

 

[spl4tzy404]

hey my other me...it's amazing..we have the same thoughts..same feelings...i wanted to kill myself these past years especially these past two years but this week was another thing..i never felt this useless,unwanted, not deserving of love,tired ,unlovable and suffocated like today.. and i'm barely hanging cuz of my faith mostly and childish feeling that tomorrow is gonna be better need to hang on so i can experience maybe a better tomorrow...i wanted to talk to other people like me, i even wondered if there are some people who felt like me so undeserving of love , like we love but no one loves us in return, only painful stuffs happening , family problems, like if your family , your own blood is the cause of your fall,depressions,sadness ..who will you turn to ? who will you trust ?! i can't trust ANYONE , i love , i care for others i feel happy when people are happy i judge no one but i cant ever be vulnerable in front of anyone ... im constantly afraid of opening up, and having no one who loves me doesnt help lmao.... i'm a clown person i always laugh and make others laugh to mask my immense sadness and emptiness...i'm a very good listener but no one listen to me and i'm afraid of even telling a thing scared that others are gonna use me, throw me, pity me ... i cheer up others but behind closed door i'm the sad one with no one .. no one to rely on or who understand me ...so istumbled upon this site and your message by chance and i found my twin...truly fate is real ..nothing happens without a reason ...i believe it wasn't an accident brother or sister ..so hang on...maybe we wouldn't meet , maybe we won't get along , maybe we will talk 2 times or 3 , but today and always i will cherish the memory of meeting you and maybe giving you a sign so you can live like you did for me ...reading your message made me cry so hard... i never felt this understood , your raw emotions was visible in your message i also felt your pain and sincerity and they matched mine.
in my religon, suicide is prohibited, as it's a form of disrespect to your creator who gave you life and didn't give it to someone else but also i believe to people who are born sick, handicaped , without limbs , with rare illnesses, people struggling everyday but still clinging to their life, people who are as we speak like palestinians dying like dogs on the street and the world being complice and silent and everone going on with their life while whole ass people are getting slaughtered worse than animals.. no one will come to their help while they want to live SO BADLY... i see killing myself as disrespectfull to be honest with you.
I laid my feelings bare , it feels good and in the end no phrase resumes my feelings as that phrase you have written : " I have so much love for anything and everything. I have so much love to give. I wish just love was enough, and I wish I would've someday had the chance to be loved like how I love. "
I wish for you and me from the bottom of my heart that someone will come and find us and get us out of this suffocating sea and be our anchor cuz even though we know how to swim in the sea, we are tired of swimming..
Hang on please hang on, how about we play a game ? each day we come and write any message we have in mind , it can be what we have done today, even a meanless phrase even a letter ,anything !
to keep the days going until something good happens to one of us ? will you play with me ?

Oh, my dear friend. Know that I love you. It makes me feel so heard that you're feeling the same things I'm feeling. Thank you for listening. It means so much to me that you even read what I had to say. And yes, I would love to play with you!!

 

[spl4tzy404]

Now wait, a little baby can't be blamed for other people suffering. It also sounds like you're being too harsh on yourself in general.

Do you want to say why you feel this way?

I was the youngest of my family for eleven years. My mother had four kids. My birth put her near death while she was in the hospital due to several serious blood clots. Not long after, she got hooked on pills. Things were fine before I was born. My birth literally caused her to lose herself as a person. It destroyed my family. It took my siblings' childhood away. I grew up raised by my grandparents, instead. They had a happy family and were loved by the community and my entire life, I've done nothing but ruin theirs. I've always been a burden onto them because I was a kid with ADHD, PTSD, depression, an anxiety disorder, and possible autism. My grandparents are elderly, and they never deserved that. I've always been a burden onto others as well. I'm the cause for the room to lose its light. I'm the topic of argumentative conversations. People are truly hateful towards me. I have no friends because my presence is toxic to them. I have no family that wants to be around me-- they buy me what I need to live, get my education, etc, and they leave me. It doesn't help that I was born ugly, either, because no one even wants to look me in the eyes. It's truly a sad existence and I wish it were as simple as changing the way I see things. I wish I hadn't have caused so much pain. I would do anything to take it all back.

 

[spl4tzy404]

I find that people who are conscientious enough to want to kill themselves for hurting others are rarely the actual problem. Lost of people will put blame onto others, I have been blames for a lot when I was younger but it was usually down to a refusal to communicate or them simply not getting what they wanted out of me and calling me out as the problem.

Many people just use others and if the other person is not happy to be used they blame them as someone toxic who hurts others. From your frankly beautiful "ode to love" of a farewell, I cant see you being a source of pain for others.

I regularly see myself as some hurtful toxic thing, but that's because I have strived my whole life to not be my father and I am always so critical of myself in case I slip up and turn into him. There are so many reasons to see ourselves as damaging, so the one rule I stand by is as above:

If you feel for others enough to value their happiness over your own life, you are probably NOT someone who hurts others. You are the kind of person worth keeping around.

This is so nice of you. Thank you so much. I also have a fear of becoming my parents. Most of the time, I think I'm full of anger like my mother and father, and it scares me so badly. Other times, I think becoming them is almost inevitable as I am reminded it's in my blood.

 

[may71]

My birth put her near death while she was in the hospital due to several serious blood clots. Not long after, she got hooked on pills. Things were fine before I was born. My birth literally caused her to lose herself as a person. It destroyed my family. It took my siblings' childhood away.

I'm sorry those things happened. You didn't do anything to cause that though. You can't be blamed for that. Also, getting hooked on pills probably has more to do with the pharmaceutical industry pushing pills for profit that they knew would be addictive than anything else.

I've always been a burden onto them because I was a kid with ADHD, PTSD, depression, an anxiety disorder, and possible autism

Those also aren't things that you caused. I don't see even one thing that you willfully did to harm your family or anyone else.

 

[Dante]

This is so nice of you. Thank you so much. I also have a fear of becoming my parents. Most of the time, I think I'm full of anger like my mother and father, and it scares me so badly. Other times, I think becoming them is almost inevitable as I am reminded it's in my blood.

My dad used to hit us growing up, he even used things like a pan or a fork on my sister (he didnt like her). He also has an impressive capacity to forget everything he did wrong, remember everything he ever did right, and to twist his logic to always seem like the good guy. It was a defence mechanism. He could hurt someone, then a minute later honestly convince himself that he was the good guy in all of it.
Growing up I was a carbon copy of my dad. I saw what I didnt like in him and I worked to change it. I still have the viscious temper, and it made me seriously scared to get together with my wife in the beginning because I didnt trust myself, however, I have a handle on my temper, every day it gets weaker. I would never hit someone I care about, and I dont delude myself like he does either.

Change is perfectly possible, and "avoiding becoming your parents" is especially doable. Seeing the behaviour your don't like from the outside helps you see it coming in yourself and prevent it. "In your blood" is nonsense. Its in your upbringing, and it just takes 1 generation to break that chain.