My forever unchanging dilemma.

[TooShyToScream]

My feelings about things make up my morals. For example, if I feel bad about something, that means it's wrong, and I have to avoid it.

Only problem is...nearly everything upsets me anymore. Sometimes it's hard to live up to some of my own morals...I can't avoid everything. But I feel as though if I don't, then I am a hypocrite. I am doing something that upsets me.

But if I do, I will end up in complete and utter isolation. If I follow through with doing everything my feelings tell me to do, I would be completely out of touch with the entire world, and my fiance wouldn't even want me because he wouldn't be able to handle such an extreme, nor would anybody else. And the loneliness of isolation would kill me. That's why, some of the things that I feel are bad, I still end up doing...just so I can still somewhat fit into society. But I don't really want to do them deep down, I just feel like I have to.

I wish there was another world I could live in because I really don't like this one. I don't like the society that people have shaped and I was born into. Maybe getting high is the only way to escape it after all.

Some of the reasons why I want to kill myself lie in how the world works. But that's not something I can ever change. And I can never accept it either. It is a paradox that I will have to live with my entire life. How is that, by any means, fair?

 

[GoldenPsych]

You've got the psych appointment soon haven't you?

Explain all that when you go. Good luck with it.
xxx

 

[TooShyToScream]

Yes, tomorrow.

It won't be my regular psych, though. Plus, I don't really see the point. Nothing they can say or do will be able to fix that problem. My main goal will just be to get anxiety medicine.

 

[TooShyToScream]

...And it rears its ugly head yet again.

I just avoided doing something I kind of wanted to do, but didn't because I knew it would upset me, and because it feels so wrong. And I'm pretty sure it made my fiance think badly of me, even though he'd never say it.

Fuck it. I'm doing what feels right. What feels right can't be wrong...right? :unsure:

 

[TooShyToScream]

Sigh. A bit off-subject, but a huge part of me somehow feels that my teenage years would have been so much better if I knew what it was to get high. I don't think I'd give a shit what people said about me...and maybe even would have had the balls to punch some of them in the face. I feel like I wasted those years, though, and did absolutely nothing when I could have done something. Everyone experiments with drugs at that age. I should've just joined them. Maybe then I'd be over that phase by now. But doing them now, in my 20s, seems more pathetic really than anything else I could've known what it was to not care, to feel happy. But I didn't. All I knew was the reality I saw every day...which totally fucking sucked.

I hate all those people who ruined my life. I wish I could find them all and kill them.

 

[GoldenPsych]

How did it go today?

 

[TooShyToScream]

I got my ativan for the month, and ambien for sleep. So I'm pretty happy with that. Now let's just hope it works.

 

[GoldenPsych]

At least you got something positive out of it then. Will they see you again?

 

[TooShyToScream]

Well I was hoping to see my regular psychiatrist next time. Lady I saw was kind of a bitch and I don't like her. And she only gave me .5s twice a day. I mg a day doesn't do much for me, but luckily I'm better some days than others so I can just save them and then take more than that when I need it. But she's not willing to prescribe me the 1mg ativan, so I'm hoping to ask my psychiatrist to give it to me instead, and if not, I'll just keep getting the .5s. They're better than nothing.