Hi anybody/everybody,
I guess I, like most of you, hate that i find myself here. This is the first suicide survivor related site that i found, that didn't want $$ from me. I hope that it is serendipitous.
Like i said, my name is mike, i'm single and 41 and my older brother of 4 years killed himself on April 20 of this year. He left behind a widow, a beautiful2 year old innocent little girl and an 8 year old boy who turned 9 two days later and is in a world of hurt as we all are. Also left behind was a wake of grief, guilt, and confusion.
I trudge along through my days and successfully compartmentalize the whole gruesome incident, but it's never far from my thoughts. The nightmares have gotten less and the frequent/constant crying has subsided but, there is still that hole in my heart. A piece of my heart is missing, excised forever, a scar left to heal as it slowly and painfully scabs over. If I itch it the wrong way or scratch it w/out thinking it opens right back up because it has not healed and is still so sensitive.
My friends try to understand. Some are good . Some say stupid things (I don't mind, it's not malicious). Some have disappeared(???). I feel no one knows what I'm going through and at times I'm not sure either.
Yes, I've been in therapy. But, it seems too repititious. Like how much do i have to talk about this. It's happened. It's done. There are questions I will never have answers to. My Big Brother has left.
And I miss him.
I don't know if this is how this is supposed to work but, here's my start, my introduction. I guess i need to find a place to express this stuff. Thanks for listening. Mike
I guess I, like most of you, hate that i find myself here. This is the first suicide survivor related site that i found, that didn't want $$ from me. I hope that it is serendipitous.
Like i said, my name is mike, i'm single and 41 and my older brother of 4 years killed himself on April 20 of this year. He left behind a widow, a beautiful2 year old innocent little girl and an 8 year old boy who turned 9 two days later and is in a world of hurt as we all are. Also left behind was a wake of grief, guilt, and confusion.
I trudge along through my days and successfully compartmentalize the whole gruesome incident, but it's never far from my thoughts. The nightmares have gotten less and the frequent/constant crying has subsided but, there is still that hole in my heart. A piece of my heart is missing, excised forever, a scar left to heal as it slowly and painfully scabs over. If I itch it the wrong way or scratch it w/out thinking it opens right back up because it has not healed and is still so sensitive.
My friends try to understand. Some are good . Some say stupid things (I don't mind, it's not malicious). Some have disappeared(???). I feel no one knows what I'm going through and at times I'm not sure either.
Yes, I've been in therapy. But, it seems too repititious. Like how much do i have to talk about this. It's happened. It's done. There are questions I will never have answers to. My Big Brother has left.
And I miss him.
I don't know if this is how this is supposed to work but, here's my start, my introduction. I guess i need to find a place to express this stuff. Thanks for listening. Mike
