• Please read the thread in Forum News and Announcements pertaining to race related discussion on SF - thank you :)

My loneliness and ambivalence (StPD)

MichaelKay

Well-Known Member
#1
(Sorry if the following comes off as a bit of selfpity)

I hate this time of year so much. Especially now that the lockdown in my country for the most part has been lifted.

I can't stand seeing couples in love go hand-in-hand down the street or listen to my neighbours throwing a party downstairs without getting almost pathologically jealous. It makes me feel so immensely lonely and sub-human.

But my disorder won't let me engage with people. I get anxious and it turns into negative emotions and selfloathing. I feel drained for a week just by spending two-three hours with somebody. I get stressed to the point I can't help starting to pull out my own hair which just furthers the impression of me as a lunatic to be avoided. And it just hurts so much.

I fall down this buttomless pit of selfpity and anger over not being able to live like other people. Not to break free from that loneliness. Not being able to find people who can truly accept me for who and what I am. I know people say that we aren't our illnesses. That those doesn't define us. But I can't find any other reason that I'm lonely and unable to engage with people. I can't find any other excuses for being angry at the world and jealous of people who can form relationships and start a family.

It's not that I can't find some companion. But those I can have issues as bad or worse than mine. My last GF was schizoaffective and I had to break it up after 2 months because I couldn't take the insane accusations her delusions would come up with (like not seeing her for a day would leave my phone or facebook with 20+ messages of her accusing me of sleeping around, taking advantage of her, planning on stealing from her etc .You get the picture). I couldn't take that since I have plenty of my own problems. And neither could I be as close to her constantly as she wished due to my problems being around people for too long.

And that's really my options. Finding someone worse off and more desperate than me and make it work for a short time until we have rubbed eachother the wrong way so much there's really no alternative than to call it off and stop seeing eachother. And that's not love or true interest imo. That's just coping out of desperation.

And it's just painful being aware of it. I know there are a lot of communities like this where I can interact with people. And it does help a little bit but it never really satisfies me enough. It isn't a viable substitute for seeing someone IRL. I just feel so damn lost in all of this. It's so shameful to admit but somehow I feel I deserve better, although no one really deserves anything as such. But having once been the most outgoing, socially adept and wellfunctioning person to slowly regress into selfimposed loneliness from the schizotypal symptoms just hurt.

I ask myself why me? Why does this happen to me? But I know there is no why. It just is. There is no reason my life has to be shitty. I just pulled a bad number in the lottery of life and should just accept it. Some days I'd prefer to get a lobotomy. Have all my desires and thoughts go away and just be caught in my own little mind not knowing anything about what is considered normal or feeling depressed, ashamed and sad about not being able to live like that.

I think I'm slowly losing my mind. And I fear that when I do I won't ever come back from that. I'll turn into some delusional psychopath who is hurting so much he sees no alternative than to strike out at society and blame them because realizing it "just is what it is" is too painful. The worst part is in 5 minutes I probably start experiencing derealization. Like nothing matters really, it's just all a dream or illusion, and suffering and mental struggles are just experiences and I can choose to attribute value to or just not care. But I do care. I just can't let it annoy me for too long or I'll break down.

But things would just feel so much easier if I didn't have to see people doing better than me. Nothing makes me more angry than hearing people laugh in my vicinity and not know why they are laughing. I get angry seeing other people happy because it's a reminder that I'm anything but happy. It is so shameful. I'm getting nausea just thinking of it. I feel so lost knowing I still have half a lifetime to look forward to with these thoughts and emotions and the damn downstair neighbours won't stop partying.


Ugghhhhhh :( Sorry about the rant. I just need to blow some steam off somehow. I really long for that chronic psychosis. Nothing feels worse than accepting the reality of it all for me atm.
 

Dante

Took 5 years to learn how to make a custom title.
SF Supporter
#2
I kinda get your frustration, I have Aspergers, of course im not comparing the two, but I know the feeling of frustration from others getting on with each other when I just cant, I have seen people with less skill and talent than me getting jobs and promotions in my field, people I worked with, even managed, getting ahead whilst I still struggle because my idiosyncrasies just keep getting in the way of me making a good impression. I have seen people take a hit and move on whilst I just cant, and I have seen people date around so effortlessly whilst I can count on 1 hand the number of people I have ever been able to tolerate enough to even consider a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I can be social, but it is an effort, and rewarding as it is, it is not something I could keep up long-term enough to be in a relationship, and none of the 4 girls (yup, 4 in my life) which I felt I could have a relationship with have felt the same, I tried to date outside of those 4, but that ended quite badly, and even outside of relationships, I just dont seem able to maintain friendships long-term, especially if I dont already see them regularly, meaning, I have 1 person I would barely consider a friend, and he is the same guy who is sabotaging me at work, and I stay friends despite that because I simply dont have anyone else.

I cant relate to the going mad part (unless you count struggles with depression, anxiety and aspergers on top of each other, but again, not a comparison) so I can only wish you well and hope you hold it together and find a way to deal.

p.s. feel FREE, without selfloathing or blame, to tell me to go fuck myself if this sounds like a metaphorical shitty millennial complaining to a war veteran that a fight over shoes in a black Friday sale was traumatic.
 

MichaelKay

Well-Known Member
#3
I kinda get your frustration, I have Aspergers, of course im not comparing the two, but I know the feeling of frustration from others getting on with each other when I just cant, I have seen people with less skill and talent than me getting jobs and promotions in my field, people I worked with, even managed, getting ahead whilst I still struggle because my idiosyncrasies just keep getting in the way of me making a good impression. I have seen people take a hit and move on whilst I just cant, and I have seen people date around so effortlessly whilst I can count on 1 hand the number of people I have ever been able to tolerate enough to even consider a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I can be social, but it is an effort, and rewarding as it is, it is not something I could keep up long-term enough to be in a relationship, and none of the 4 girls (yup, 4 in my life) which I felt I could have a relationship with have felt the same, I tried to date outside of those 4, but that ended quite badly, and even outside of relationships, I just dont seem able to maintain friendships long-term, especially if I dont already see them regularly, meaning, I have 1 person I would barely consider a friend, and he is the same guy who is sabotaging me at work, and I stay friends despite that because I simply dont have anyone else.

I cant relate to the going mad part (unless you count struggles with depression, anxiety and aspergers on top of each other, but again, not a comparison) so I can only wish you well and hope you hold it together and find a way to deal.

p.s. feel FREE, without selfloathing or blame, to tell me to go fuck myself if this sounds like a metaphorical shitty millennial complaining to a war veteran that a fight over shoes in a black Friday sale was traumatic.
Thanks for the reply.

I don't have many friends left either and the few I still have I don't talk to about my problems. I'm afraid to push them away and I understand why. A girl I know suffered depression when I was younger and it was hard being with her. She would either complain (as I do now) about her situation or get angry and blame it on everyone else. So I completely understand how hard it is to be around someone like me with issues like that.

The going mad part is probably due to my schizotypal disorder. Violent and aggressive fantasies are part of the symptoms and they are shameful. Knowing I would never do such a thing, having the ideas conflicts with my selfimage as a peaceful and caring person so it's quite annoying.

As for your PS; I'd never do such a thing. Everyone's thoughts and experiences are valid as far as I'm concerned and despite my papers claiming I'm 38 years old, I consider myself mentally to be 18 and just now realizing what life can be like. I'm absolutely no veteran when it comes to that. On the contrary I feel like Bambi on ice for the first time, struggling to stay on my feet. So I'd never do that.
 

Dante

Took 5 years to learn how to make a custom title.
SF Supporter
#4
Thanks for the reply.

I don't have many friends left either and the few I still have I don't talk to about my problems. I'm afraid to push them away and I understand why. A girl I know suffered depression when I was younger and it was hard being with her. She would either complain (as I do now) about her situation or get angry and blame it on everyone else. So I completely understand how hard it is to be around someone like me with issues like that.

The going mad part is probably due to my schizotypal disorder. Violent and aggressive fantasies are part of the symptoms and they are shameful. Knowing I would never do such a thing, having the ideas conflicts with my selfimage as a peaceful and caring person so it's quite annoying.

As for your PS; I'd never do such a thing. Everyone's thoughts and experiences are valid as far as I'm concerned and despite my papers claiming I'm 38 years old, I consider myself mentally to be 18 and just now realizing what life can be like. I'm absolutely no veteran when it comes to that. On the contrary I feel like Bambi on ice for the first time, struggling to stay on my feet. So I'd never do that.
I wasn't so much calling you a veteran but rather making the comparison between the two severities of suffering, and how infuriating it can be to be suffering and have someone who is CLEARLY suffering WAY less than you complain to you about their problems as if they have the weight of the world pressing down on them. I recall people complaining to me about their issues when I was at university like I couldnt possibly understand the depth of their pain whilst at the same time I was weighing up the pros and cons of suicide due to my crippling depression. It made me want to drown them in a toilet, so I always try to avoid doing the same to others.
 

MichaelKay

Well-Known Member
#5
I wasn't so much calling you a veteran but rather making the comparison between the two severities of suffering, and how infuriating it can be to be suffering and have someone who is CLEARLY suffering WAY less than you complain to you about their problems as if they have the weight of the world pressing down on them. I recall people complaining to me about their issues when I was at university like I couldnt possibly understand the depth of their pain whilst at the same time I was weighing up the pros and cons of suicide due to my crippling depression. It made me want to drown them in a toilet, so I always try to avoid doing the same to others.
I think I understand. Personally I don't think comparing problems is helpful. I don't think dismissing one's own problems because someone has it worse is helpful. I do it sometimes though. One of my oldest and best friends went from being the most lovable outgoing successful guy to be tied to a wheelchair and needing 24/7 care due to schlerosis. We all have our individual struggles and just because someone "seemingly" has it worse doesn't diminish our suffering.
 

Dante

Took 5 years to learn how to make a custom title.
SF Supporter
#6
I think I understand. Personally I don't think comparing problems is helpful. I don't think dismissing one's own problems because someone has it worse is helpful. I do it sometimes though. One of my oldest and best friends went from being the most lovable outgoing successful guy to be tied to a wheelchair and needing 24/7 care due to schlerosis. We all have our individual struggles and just because someone "seemingly" has it worse doesn't diminish our suffering.
I understand that, and I agree, just because I know so many people struggle worse than me doesnt mean I dont have a right to complaint and compassion, however, I try not to rub it in anyone's face.
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$5.00
Goal
$255.00
Top