(Sorry if the following comes off as a bit of selfpity)
I hate this time of year so much. Especially now that the lockdown in my country for the most part has been lifted.
I can't stand seeing couples in love go hand-in-hand down the street or listen to my neighbours throwing a party downstairs without getting almost pathologically jealous. It makes me feel so immensely lonely and sub-human.
But my disorder won't let me engage with people. I get anxious and it turns into negative emotions and selfloathing. I feel drained for a week just by spending two-three hours with somebody. I get stressed to the point I can't help starting to pull out my own hair which just furthers the impression of me as a lunatic to be avoided. And it just hurts so much.
I fall down this buttomless pit of selfpity and anger over not being able to live like other people. Not to break free from that loneliness. Not being able to find people who can truly accept me for who and what I am. I know people say that we aren't our illnesses. That those doesn't define us. But I can't find any other reason that I'm lonely and unable to engage with people. I can't find any other excuses for being angry at the world and jealous of people who can form relationships and start a family.
It's not that I can't find some companion. But those I can have issues as bad or worse than mine. My last GF was schizoaffective and I had to break it up after 2 months because I couldn't take the insane accusations her delusions would come up with (like not seeing her for a day would leave my phone or facebook with 20+ messages of her accusing me of sleeping around, taking advantage of her, planning on stealing from her etc .You get the picture). I couldn't take that since I have plenty of my own problems. And neither could I be as close to her constantly as she wished due to my problems being around people for too long.
And that's really my options. Finding someone worse off and more desperate than me and make it work for a short time until we have rubbed eachother the wrong way so much there's really no alternative than to call it off and stop seeing eachother. And that's not love or true interest imo. That's just coping out of desperation.
And it's just painful being aware of it. I know there are a lot of communities like this where I can interact with people. And it does help a little bit but it never really satisfies me enough. It isn't a viable substitute for seeing someone IRL. I just feel so damn lost in all of this. It's so shameful to admit but somehow I feel I deserve better, although no one really deserves anything as such. But having once been the most outgoing, socially adept and wellfunctioning person to slowly regress into selfimposed loneliness from the schizotypal symptoms just hurt.
I ask myself why me? Why does this happen to me? But I know there is no why. It just is. There is no reason my life has to be shitty. I just pulled a bad number in the lottery of life and should just accept it. Some days I'd prefer to get a lobotomy. Have all my desires and thoughts go away and just be caught in my own little mind not knowing anything about what is considered normal or feeling depressed, ashamed and sad about not being able to live like that.
I think I'm slowly losing my mind. And I fear that when I do I won't ever come back from that. I'll turn into some delusional psychopath who is hurting so much he sees no alternative than to strike out at society and blame them because realizing it "just is what it is" is too painful. The worst part is in 5 minutes I probably start experiencing derealization. Like nothing matters really, it's just all a dream or illusion, and suffering and mental struggles are just experiences and I can choose to attribute value to or just not care. But I do care. I just can't let it annoy me for too long or I'll break down.
But things would just feel so much easier if I didn't have to see people doing better than me. Nothing makes me more angry than hearing people laugh in my vicinity and not know why they are laughing. I get angry seeing other people happy because it's a reminder that I'm anything but happy. It is so shameful. I'm getting nausea just thinking of it. I feel so lost knowing I still have half a lifetime to look forward to with these thoughts and emotions and the damn downstair neighbours won't stop partying.
Ugghhhhhh Sorry about the rant. I just need to blow some steam off somehow. I really long for that chronic psychosis. Nothing feels worse than accepting the reality of it all for me atm.
I hate this time of year so much. Especially now that the lockdown in my country for the most part has been lifted.
I can't stand seeing couples in love go hand-in-hand down the street or listen to my neighbours throwing a party downstairs without getting almost pathologically jealous. It makes me feel so immensely lonely and sub-human.
But my disorder won't let me engage with people. I get anxious and it turns into negative emotions and selfloathing. I feel drained for a week just by spending two-three hours with somebody. I get stressed to the point I can't help starting to pull out my own hair which just furthers the impression of me as a lunatic to be avoided. And it just hurts so much.
I fall down this buttomless pit of selfpity and anger over not being able to live like other people. Not to break free from that loneliness. Not being able to find people who can truly accept me for who and what I am. I know people say that we aren't our illnesses. That those doesn't define us. But I can't find any other reason that I'm lonely and unable to engage with people. I can't find any other excuses for being angry at the world and jealous of people who can form relationships and start a family.
It's not that I can't find some companion. But those I can have issues as bad or worse than mine. My last GF was schizoaffective and I had to break it up after 2 months because I couldn't take the insane accusations her delusions would come up with (like not seeing her for a day would leave my phone or facebook with 20+ messages of her accusing me of sleeping around, taking advantage of her, planning on stealing from her etc .You get the picture). I couldn't take that since I have plenty of my own problems. And neither could I be as close to her constantly as she wished due to my problems being around people for too long.
And that's really my options. Finding someone worse off and more desperate than me and make it work for a short time until we have rubbed eachother the wrong way so much there's really no alternative than to call it off and stop seeing eachother. And that's not love or true interest imo. That's just coping out of desperation.
And it's just painful being aware of it. I know there are a lot of communities like this where I can interact with people. And it does help a little bit but it never really satisfies me enough. It isn't a viable substitute for seeing someone IRL. I just feel so damn lost in all of this. It's so shameful to admit but somehow I feel I deserve better, although no one really deserves anything as such. But having once been the most outgoing, socially adept and wellfunctioning person to slowly regress into selfimposed loneliness from the schizotypal symptoms just hurt.
I ask myself why me? Why does this happen to me? But I know there is no why. It just is. There is no reason my life has to be shitty. I just pulled a bad number in the lottery of life and should just accept it. Some days I'd prefer to get a lobotomy. Have all my desires and thoughts go away and just be caught in my own little mind not knowing anything about what is considered normal or feeling depressed, ashamed and sad about not being able to live like that.
I think I'm slowly losing my mind. And I fear that when I do I won't ever come back from that. I'll turn into some delusional psychopath who is hurting so much he sees no alternative than to strike out at society and blame them because realizing it "just is what it is" is too painful. The worst part is in 5 minutes I probably start experiencing derealization. Like nothing matters really, it's just all a dream or illusion, and suffering and mental struggles are just experiences and I can choose to attribute value to or just not care. But I do care. I just can't let it annoy me for too long or I'll break down.
But things would just feel so much easier if I didn't have to see people doing better than me. Nothing makes me more angry than hearing people laugh in my vicinity and not know why they are laughing. I get angry seeing other people happy because it's a reminder that I'm anything but happy. It is so shameful. I'm getting nausea just thinking of it. I feel so lost knowing I still have half a lifetime to look forward to with these thoughts and emotions and the damn downstair neighbours won't stop partying.
Ugghhhhhh Sorry about the rant. I just need to blow some steam off somehow. I really long for that chronic psychosis. Nothing feels worse than accepting the reality of it all for me atm.