Ok...I wrote this in another forum once and I am too lazy to write all again here so I just copied and pasted and...well...yeah. Added some more.
I've been a bully victim all my life.
I've always been a loser.
Acutally it already started in elementary school..I always say I was not bullied in elementary school and I was no outsider in elementary school...but I somehow was..compared to what happened to me later it was weak though.
I was just different than the other kids. I had different interests, preferred to play other things and was maybe not as corrupted as they were.
There were some things I had big problems with : drawing, working with scissors, with colours, with glue, opening/closing jacket, tying schoes e.t.c ....I could do all those things not as good as the others and was worse than them in it. I was very bad in sports. I lost my pencils and my other stuff very often and confused rooms e.t.c
I wrote numbers and letters backwards and thought it was right this way.
But then again, I was much better than them in nearly all subjects. (besides sports and arts back then...and later mathematics)
Classmates were making fun of me bcz of various things...I was also teased because they were allouwed to stay up much longer than me and they watched horror movies I never heard of and would prolly never be allouwed to watch at that time.
Not to forget the swearing ! When I was 6 I wasn't as corrupted as the other kids my age and I didn't know words like ****, cock, whore e.t.c though they were using those things all the time...when a girl called me "****" once I didn't know what this word meaned and asked my teacher what this word was about to mean.
I think I dont even have to mention that I still believed in santa clause and didn't know what sex was when i entered school..all this was like..prey for them.
They'd say ambigous things about sex and ask me questions and laugh about me or my answers.
Violence was another factor. I never defended myself and always tried to discuss everything from early on...well, the others were beating me and I didnt defend myself..I just said how stupid they were because they were not able to discuss a problem...they were always laughing at me after i said such a thing because they simply didn't understand..and when I ran to the teachers telling them who hit me they simply were like "Solve your problems yourselves".
Whatever....after all I gained some friends in elementary school..sure, i often argued with the others and sometimes i was teased a lot....but after all i had friends.
I had friends and got invited to birthdays.
Sometimes I would play with one or two girls in breaks...sometimes there were things that were cool..like when it was once cool to play volley-ball...I asked if I could join but they'd say "No. You can't. You can't play volley-ball."
Though they never ever saw me playing it.
Or they'd play something and when i'd ask if i could join they'd say "No this play is only for two/three ( number of ppl that are playing at this moment)" and when somebody else..or even several other ppl would come asking if they could joing they'd say "yes sure!".
So sometimes i had to play on my own.
However...sometimes there were one or two other girls besides me that didn't play volley-ball or whatever was trendy to play and i'd play with them.
My best friend is a girl I know from elementary school. I still have contact with her. I used to argue a lot with her in elementary school and she also scratched my nose once so that it was bleeding..however our arguments were never for a long time and after some time everything was good again and we were best friends again.
And we still are hence we kept the contact.
Then I came to my horror school....honestly, this was REAL SERIOUS HEAVY BULLYING.
( In Germany, the teachers decide after elementary school if you should stay or if you should go to another school for further education because your marks are good..the teachers said i should go to another school for further education).
So I went to my HORROR SCHOOL.
And it still hurts me a lot to tell because I still didn't get over it.
After the occaisonal bullyings in elementary school I started to change a bit because I didn't want to be unpopular again...so I tried to work with my problems as good as possible.
In elementary school I always dreamed I had many friends and nobody was laughing at me like the other pupils in elementary school often did..thinking I was very strange...
I changed.
I wasn't "the different" kid and seemed to be like everybody else...
I was no weird kid anymore like I was in elementary school...I was pretty normal...but somehow I was still different. I cant explain how..my opinions were just different and I was against peer-pressure I refused to do stuff just because others considered it to be cool...I refused to have an opinion just because the majority had this opinion...I always said what was on my mind and nobody seemed to like that.
I just skip the bullying in class 5 and 6...yes, I was bullied...yes I was beaten a lot...yes I felt bad everytime i had to go to school and my stomach was aching when I had to get up.
They were saying stuff to me like...I am fat and ugly and extremely stupid and so on...me being fat was the running gag through all the years I was at this school. Funnily, I was never seriously overweighted ( I was always like the last two numbers of my height..let's say 1,58m and then I weighted 58kg too..maybe not slim but not as fat and disgustingly obese as everyone said I was )
And there were some people that were really fat and really overweighted who were making fun of me aswell saying I was fat which was a kinda ironic thing to me.
Fat girl to me: Yuck, you are fat
Me: and what about you ?
Fat girl: ......you suck bitch ! Shut up or i'll punch ya
I was especially bullied during sport lessons. Yes, I do suck at sports. I still do. They were constantly laughing at me..they were arguing who *had* to take me in a team and when a team lost it was for sure all my fault. Everything was my fault..even the fact that I sucked at sports was my fault bcz of my fatness that was only bcz I was too stupid to realise that I should lose weight ( btw...now that I am much slimmer and I still suck very bad at sports...).
When I received a 4 once, which is a pretty bad mark to have in sports but not the worst mark you can get...everyone was upset why I didn't get a 5 (nearly the worst mark you can have..6 means you totally failed and need to be expelled from school..5 means you are miserable...)because I surely deserved one. They went to the teacher and complained though it made no sense because you only receive a 5 in sports when you never participate or if you don't seem to do anything or if you are constantly playing unfair...and none of those things applied to me.
Oh and yes...they also played this game with me that I already knew from elementary school.."pest"..it's like...i am the pest and everything I touch automatically also has the pest...and nobody should ever touch anything of my stuff, anything of me or anything i have toched...they weren't willing to lend me stuff and they also teased each other with throwing my things at each other and so on.
But it started to be much, much worse. Until grade 7 I had always like one or two "nicer girls"...I hung around with them in the break..I knew that they weren't rly my friends but they have never beaten me and they didn't yell at me or chase me away when I was with them. They didn't even throw sticks. So I thought they are probably nice.
One of the girls changed school...the other one came into another class and found other friends...ppl that didn't like me.
The first times I tried to hang around with others...but they were yelling at me or running away or stuff like that.
So I had to spend breaks with another person I disliked: myself.
A very sad chapter of my life had started..full of irony. I rly cant write about all the annoying details..some things are rly sad and cruel...some others are full of irony. Maybe I'll write a book about it someday.
I didn't know what to do in breaks..so I started doing the most random thing in the world: Staring at the showcases with pictures of other pupils and their names under it. I did it every break. From class 7 until class 9/10.
Every break you could find me standing there at the same place..all alone..staring.
Pupils were asking me odd questions like: "Are you a retard?" or "Are you learning those names by heart"....hey, they were actually giving me ideas. I was so bored that I learned all those fucking names by heart. There was nothing else to do. I knew it was pointless because when I saw for example a girl called Maria Müller I wouldnt be like: "Hey, your name is Maria Müller from the second row on the picture. Wanna be friends?" I did it just because...i was kinda rebelling...rebelling about school and about the fact that nobody seemed to realise how desperate I was in fact and that no teacher ever tried to help me...I was just nothing....eventually surrounded by a bunch of smaller boys that were making fun of me by asking me strange and stupid questions and then laughing about my ironic answers...not even understanding them and thinking I was as stupid as I pretended to be. Hilirious.
However, I wasn't alone in breaks anymore..I was already a legend.
Some pupils were wasting their own damn breaks just to follow me around..they were standing next to me imitating me...laughing at me...i mostly ignored them and didn't answer hence all they prolly wanted was attention...but then they also started beating me and stuff.
Sometimes it was ridiculous though...I always knew for example who was kicking me or pulling my hair and stuff....the showcase was made of glass and had kinda a mirror function..so i new who did what. I just ignored it.
I just wanted the breaks to go over soon...i hated breaks because it was meaning humiliation.
Everybody knew me. "That's the strange and stupid outsider girl that nobody likes...she is weird..every break she is standing in front of the showcase staring in a dead way at the pictures of the same pupils...i have the feeling she is kinda mentally ill..or retarded or something"...actually, i wasnt...sometimes I only seemed staring at those pics while I was thinking about other random stuff...or tried to deal with the things that classmates did to me during the lessons...
I was sitting next to this boy who was constantly beating me..and I highly disliked that in fact.
He was very brutal...so were the other boys. Strangely it were only the boys who were beating me...the girls just were bitchy towards me. The boy sitting next to me for example grabbed me by the hair and smashed my head against the table...he was even beating and kicking me during the lessons and when i complained the teachers said i shouldnt disturb the lessons with my screaming.
They also took my pencils and my penicl-case and threw them around..it was like..kinda toys for them. I said they shouldn't do this and that this isn't a nice thing to do...but they didn't stop.
They were throwing all the stuff one could throw at me.
They threw my stuff in dirty corners..out of the window...they were throwing my stuff at each other for teasing each other because everything belonging to me was for sure "disgusting".
They broke all my pencils and broke all my pencil cases and stuff...I had to explain my Mom at home why again my pencil case was broken and why again my pencil were broken and why again i was bruised all over...and I always made stories up because I didn't dare to say the truth...I was always so..ashamed.
They were playing stupid games with me..like..they were throwing my pencil case somewhere..and when I was about to get it I couldn't get back to my seat because they blocked the way with chairs and so on...those games happened a time nearly everyday...i had to crawl to get to my seat or..i had no chair because it was standing on the cupboard or my pencils were in the water or all over in class. Or when they were playing ball in class..they were always throwing the ball very hard at me...they were saying stuff to me like:
"Die ! Kill yourself !" "You are worthles, kill yourself" "You don't deserve to live"
"You are no human being, because human beings can think..you are stupid and you cant think therefore you deserve to die" "You are mentally, physically and psychologically weak"
"You are a fat pig and deserve to be slaughtered" "You have no friends..guess why..you are stupid and ugly" e.t.c
When I said something back they were kicking me or beating me... sometimes three or four boys...
Every morning when I came to school they were welcoming me with "You suck!" or "You are a piece of shit" instead of "good morning!".
And then all those games would start. It was entertainment for them.
They would create some kind of "art" with other random stuff or trash on my desk or my chair..or they were hiding my chair..they would block the way an so i couldn't sit down..chase me around with throwing my things...it was like a sport for them. It was every morning.
One of the most humiliating moments was in grade 8 when some girls were throwing with my clothes in the change-room before sports lessons (it was in a break..some people could already come in and change clothes...but only few ppl did so)...and they started throwing my clothes into the boys-change room. I tried to get it ..i tried everything...but I had to go inside bcz they weren't willing to give me the clothes and they were threatening to destroy my clothes..so i had to go into the boys-change room..and two boys were there and I was in my underwear. They took me by the arms and kicked and started to beat me. Then i grabbed my clothes and ran away. This was one of the most humiliating moments in my whole life acutally.
And often when I entered the class they were drawing something on the board like a monster and an arrow with "This is (my name)" or they wrote: "(My name) is a stupid bitch" and so on...
They'd also write words in big letters on my desk like "FAT BITCH" e.t.c
It didn't get better.
In grade 9 i couldn't stare at the photos anymore because nearly the whole school started standing next to me... i was so depressed because of all this that I rly started to cry every night and wanted to kill myself...i started to only wear black and a long black coat..but that only made them start being worse like: "yes, please kill urself" "uhh..satanist" and so on.
They were making fun of the fact that i suffred. "You are the sadness in person"...they said..and they were making fun of the fact that i cut myself when they saw my many scars on my arms in the changers-room.
I've been a bully victim all my life.
I've always been a loser.
Acutally it already started in elementary school..I always say I was not bullied in elementary school and I was no outsider in elementary school...but I somehow was..compared to what happened to me later it was weak though.
I was just different than the other kids. I had different interests, preferred to play other things and was maybe not as corrupted as they were.
There were some things I had big problems with : drawing, working with scissors, with colours, with glue, opening/closing jacket, tying schoes e.t.c ....I could do all those things not as good as the others and was worse than them in it. I was very bad in sports. I lost my pencils and my other stuff very often and confused rooms e.t.c
I wrote numbers and letters backwards and thought it was right this way.
But then again, I was much better than them in nearly all subjects. (besides sports and arts back then...and later mathematics)
Classmates were making fun of me bcz of various things...I was also teased because they were allouwed to stay up much longer than me and they watched horror movies I never heard of and would prolly never be allouwed to watch at that time.
Not to forget the swearing ! When I was 6 I wasn't as corrupted as the other kids my age and I didn't know words like ****, cock, whore e.t.c though they were using those things all the time...when a girl called me "****" once I didn't know what this word meaned and asked my teacher what this word was about to mean.
I think I dont even have to mention that I still believed in santa clause and didn't know what sex was when i entered school..all this was like..prey for them.
They'd say ambigous things about sex and ask me questions and laugh about me or my answers.
Violence was another factor. I never defended myself and always tried to discuss everything from early on...well, the others were beating me and I didnt defend myself..I just said how stupid they were because they were not able to discuss a problem...they were always laughing at me after i said such a thing because they simply didn't understand..and when I ran to the teachers telling them who hit me they simply were like "Solve your problems yourselves".
Whatever....after all I gained some friends in elementary school..sure, i often argued with the others and sometimes i was teased a lot....but after all i had friends.
I had friends and got invited to birthdays.
Sometimes I would play with one or two girls in breaks...sometimes there were things that were cool..like when it was once cool to play volley-ball...I asked if I could join but they'd say "No. You can't. You can't play volley-ball."
Though they never ever saw me playing it.
Or they'd play something and when i'd ask if i could join they'd say "No this play is only for two/three ( number of ppl that are playing at this moment)" and when somebody else..or even several other ppl would come asking if they could joing they'd say "yes sure!".
So sometimes i had to play on my own.
However...sometimes there were one or two other girls besides me that didn't play volley-ball or whatever was trendy to play and i'd play with them.
My best friend is a girl I know from elementary school. I still have contact with her. I used to argue a lot with her in elementary school and she also scratched my nose once so that it was bleeding..however our arguments were never for a long time and after some time everything was good again and we were best friends again.
And we still are hence we kept the contact.
Then I came to my horror school....honestly, this was REAL SERIOUS HEAVY BULLYING.
( In Germany, the teachers decide after elementary school if you should stay or if you should go to another school for further education because your marks are good..the teachers said i should go to another school for further education).
So I went to my HORROR SCHOOL.
And it still hurts me a lot to tell because I still didn't get over it.
After the occaisonal bullyings in elementary school I started to change a bit because I didn't want to be unpopular again...so I tried to work with my problems as good as possible.
In elementary school I always dreamed I had many friends and nobody was laughing at me like the other pupils in elementary school often did..thinking I was very strange...
I changed.
I wasn't "the different" kid and seemed to be like everybody else...
I was no weird kid anymore like I was in elementary school...I was pretty normal...but somehow I was still different. I cant explain how..my opinions were just different and I was against peer-pressure I refused to do stuff just because others considered it to be cool...I refused to have an opinion just because the majority had this opinion...I always said what was on my mind and nobody seemed to like that.
I just skip the bullying in class 5 and 6...yes, I was bullied...yes I was beaten a lot...yes I felt bad everytime i had to go to school and my stomach was aching when I had to get up.
They were saying stuff to me like...I am fat and ugly and extremely stupid and so on...me being fat was the running gag through all the years I was at this school. Funnily, I was never seriously overweighted ( I was always like the last two numbers of my height..let's say 1,58m and then I weighted 58kg too..maybe not slim but not as fat and disgustingly obese as everyone said I was )
And there were some people that were really fat and really overweighted who were making fun of me aswell saying I was fat which was a kinda ironic thing to me.
Fat girl to me: Yuck, you are fat
Me: and what about you ?
Fat girl: ......you suck bitch ! Shut up or i'll punch ya
I was especially bullied during sport lessons. Yes, I do suck at sports. I still do. They were constantly laughing at me..they were arguing who *had* to take me in a team and when a team lost it was for sure all my fault. Everything was my fault..even the fact that I sucked at sports was my fault bcz of my fatness that was only bcz I was too stupid to realise that I should lose weight ( btw...now that I am much slimmer and I still suck very bad at sports...).
When I received a 4 once, which is a pretty bad mark to have in sports but not the worst mark you can get...everyone was upset why I didn't get a 5 (nearly the worst mark you can have..6 means you totally failed and need to be expelled from school..5 means you are miserable...)because I surely deserved one. They went to the teacher and complained though it made no sense because you only receive a 5 in sports when you never participate or if you don't seem to do anything or if you are constantly playing unfair...and none of those things applied to me.
Oh and yes...they also played this game with me that I already knew from elementary school.."pest"..it's like...i am the pest and everything I touch automatically also has the pest...and nobody should ever touch anything of my stuff, anything of me or anything i have toched...they weren't willing to lend me stuff and they also teased each other with throwing my things at each other and so on.
But it started to be much, much worse. Until grade 7 I had always like one or two "nicer girls"...I hung around with them in the break..I knew that they weren't rly my friends but they have never beaten me and they didn't yell at me or chase me away when I was with them. They didn't even throw sticks. So I thought they are probably nice.
One of the girls changed school...the other one came into another class and found other friends...ppl that didn't like me.
The first times I tried to hang around with others...but they were yelling at me or running away or stuff like that.
So I had to spend breaks with another person I disliked: myself.
A very sad chapter of my life had started..full of irony. I rly cant write about all the annoying details..some things are rly sad and cruel...some others are full of irony. Maybe I'll write a book about it someday.
I didn't know what to do in breaks..so I started doing the most random thing in the world: Staring at the showcases with pictures of other pupils and their names under it. I did it every break. From class 7 until class 9/10.
Every break you could find me standing there at the same place..all alone..staring.
Pupils were asking me odd questions like: "Are you a retard?" or "Are you learning those names by heart"....hey, they were actually giving me ideas. I was so bored that I learned all those fucking names by heart. There was nothing else to do. I knew it was pointless because when I saw for example a girl called Maria Müller I wouldnt be like: "Hey, your name is Maria Müller from the second row on the picture. Wanna be friends?" I did it just because...i was kinda rebelling...rebelling about school and about the fact that nobody seemed to realise how desperate I was in fact and that no teacher ever tried to help me...I was just nothing....eventually surrounded by a bunch of smaller boys that were making fun of me by asking me strange and stupid questions and then laughing about my ironic answers...not even understanding them and thinking I was as stupid as I pretended to be. Hilirious.
However, I wasn't alone in breaks anymore..I was already a legend.
Some pupils were wasting their own damn breaks just to follow me around..they were standing next to me imitating me...laughing at me...i mostly ignored them and didn't answer hence all they prolly wanted was attention...but then they also started beating me and stuff.
Sometimes it was ridiculous though...I always knew for example who was kicking me or pulling my hair and stuff....the showcase was made of glass and had kinda a mirror function..so i new who did what. I just ignored it.
I just wanted the breaks to go over soon...i hated breaks because it was meaning humiliation.
Everybody knew me. "That's the strange and stupid outsider girl that nobody likes...she is weird..every break she is standing in front of the showcase staring in a dead way at the pictures of the same pupils...i have the feeling she is kinda mentally ill..or retarded or something"...actually, i wasnt...sometimes I only seemed staring at those pics while I was thinking about other random stuff...or tried to deal with the things that classmates did to me during the lessons...
I was sitting next to this boy who was constantly beating me..and I highly disliked that in fact.
He was very brutal...so were the other boys. Strangely it were only the boys who were beating me...the girls just were bitchy towards me. The boy sitting next to me for example grabbed me by the hair and smashed my head against the table...he was even beating and kicking me during the lessons and when i complained the teachers said i shouldnt disturb the lessons with my screaming.
They also took my pencils and my penicl-case and threw them around..it was like..kinda toys for them. I said they shouldn't do this and that this isn't a nice thing to do...but they didn't stop.
They were throwing all the stuff one could throw at me.
They threw my stuff in dirty corners..out of the window...they were throwing my stuff at each other for teasing each other because everything belonging to me was for sure "disgusting".
They broke all my pencils and broke all my pencil cases and stuff...I had to explain my Mom at home why again my pencil case was broken and why again my pencil were broken and why again i was bruised all over...and I always made stories up because I didn't dare to say the truth...I was always so..ashamed.
They were playing stupid games with me..like..they were throwing my pencil case somewhere..and when I was about to get it I couldn't get back to my seat because they blocked the way with chairs and so on...those games happened a time nearly everyday...i had to crawl to get to my seat or..i had no chair because it was standing on the cupboard or my pencils were in the water or all over in class. Or when they were playing ball in class..they were always throwing the ball very hard at me...they were saying stuff to me like:
"Die ! Kill yourself !" "You are worthles, kill yourself" "You don't deserve to live"
"You are no human being, because human beings can think..you are stupid and you cant think therefore you deserve to die" "You are mentally, physically and psychologically weak"
"You are a fat pig and deserve to be slaughtered" "You have no friends..guess why..you are stupid and ugly" e.t.c
When I said something back they were kicking me or beating me... sometimes three or four boys...
Every morning when I came to school they were welcoming me with "You suck!" or "You are a piece of shit" instead of "good morning!".
And then all those games would start. It was entertainment for them.
They would create some kind of "art" with other random stuff or trash on my desk or my chair..or they were hiding my chair..they would block the way an so i couldn't sit down..chase me around with throwing my things...it was like a sport for them. It was every morning.
One of the most humiliating moments was in grade 8 when some girls were throwing with my clothes in the change-room before sports lessons (it was in a break..some people could already come in and change clothes...but only few ppl did so)...and they started throwing my clothes into the boys-change room. I tried to get it ..i tried everything...but I had to go inside bcz they weren't willing to give me the clothes and they were threatening to destroy my clothes..so i had to go into the boys-change room..and two boys were there and I was in my underwear. They took me by the arms and kicked and started to beat me. Then i grabbed my clothes and ran away. This was one of the most humiliating moments in my whole life acutally.
And often when I entered the class they were drawing something on the board like a monster and an arrow with "This is (my name)" or they wrote: "(My name) is a stupid bitch" and so on...
They'd also write words in big letters on my desk like "FAT BITCH" e.t.c
It didn't get better.
In grade 9 i couldn't stare at the photos anymore because nearly the whole school started standing next to me... i was so depressed because of all this that I rly started to cry every night and wanted to kill myself...i started to only wear black and a long black coat..but that only made them start being worse like: "yes, please kill urself" "uhh..satanist" and so on.
They were making fun of the fact that i suffred. "You are the sadness in person"...they said..and they were making fun of the fact that i cut myself when they saw my many scars on my arms in the changers-room.
. 