Narcissistic Mother

[puffymilk]

My mother is a narcissist and I'm going to accept that. Nothing will fix her. I've read articles and watched videos about how to handle the situation and most of them said the same things: no contact and try to limit my communication with her. I can't do no contact, yet, so what I can do right now is try to limit the communication with her. She is still trying to control me (even the smallest things) and I don't think she'll ever stop, so I'm trying to not let her affect me, my personality, and my way of thinking so I don't lose myself in her and won't have my own personality. It's scary to think that it can easily happen to me.

I'm scared that she might control who I date, who I'm going to marry, how I'm going to take care my future family, and things like that. I just hope that someday I'll be able to move far away so I don't have to see her often, and that some miracle will happen and I will have my new life and my own happiness.

 

[MisterBGone]

My mother is a narcissist and I'm going to accept that. Nothing will fix her. I've read articles and watched videos about how to handle the situation and most of them said the same things: no contact and try to limit my communication with her. I can't do no contact, yet, so what I can do right now is try to limit the communication with her. She is still trying to control me (even the smallest things) and I don't think she'll ever stop, so I'm trying to not let her affect me, my personality, and my way of thinking so I don't lose myself in her and won't have my own personality. It's scary to think that it can easily happen to me.

I'm scared that she might control who I date, who I'm going to marry, how I'm going to take care my future family, and things like that. I just hope that someday I'll be able to move far away so I don't have to see her often, and that some miracle will happen and I will have my new life and my own happiness.

sorry puffy, I don't know what might help? if i were you, i might try to "act," & see about how well ajob I could do w/pretending to not know her. so, its as if im playing acharacter where, i dont know my mother, ive forgotten all of our shared history together, yes i will respect her and act cordially to the best of my ability... but her words will no longer matter to me. & thus, have lost their ounch, or their emphasis. i admit it souns a little pie in, but w/enough committment, one may be able to achieve anything, when it comes to tricking oneself, and their mind, into anything. sort of how a method actor might go about their work - think daniel day lewis slee[ing out in a tent on set og last of the mohicans, or jim carrey making every one call him andy kaufman even while off-camera for... forgot the name of the movie, it was all right. but u dont even have to go to that extreme. just a little temporary play acting in order to relieve some immediate and/or impending distress, brought about by or via assault or attack on all senses at once. it'd be one form or layer of protection for you. a sort of, or type of, "defense mechansim," in order to protect yourself from further harmj. will she try to bulldoze past these . . . I'll try & come back, some-thing is suddenly distracting me. either way we'll see you later, and if you just cant see yourself going there, or pulling that off, because it does require an uncanny degree of self-confidance, a heathy dose of ego, maybe abd quite possibly as well... just a tad/touch of narc sprinkled in as well! that probably couldn't hurt.. just joking, of course and no matter what, I feel for you for the situation ypu describe sound s like sheer terror on one's sanity, and utter disaster that is being written all over your health. hopefully the day can come soon when u can escape from out the weight of her great pen--& (then) signature; which at this point, has its hallmarks all ovwr your soul.

 

[Atreides]

Sometimes to protect ourselves, we have to shut people out. I had a family member who I realized would never change, and I had to shut them out. My life has been so much better for it. I wish you the best of luck in the future. And remember SF is here for you.

 

[Bobmrb]

Hi,
My mother is also a narassist. I have reacently gone non- contact with her, my father (an enabler), and my older golden brother.
Its a very difficult and painful thing to go through.
I have reasearched it alot, and everywhere says the same, have no contact, or limit contact to the minimum. These type if people will not change abd cannot be reasoned with.
Its taken me 48 years to get to this point, but when i look back over my life my mother has always tried to control me. What i did at college, who i saw etc..
Ask yourself, what value do these people add to your life? No one should have to be subjected to narsassistic abuse. Once you can see whats happenjng you can start to get to a better place. Its not easy, but there are people about who undersrand.

 

[puffymilk]

Man it's so draining and exhausting acting like everything's OK when I'm around her

 

[Survivorist]

Sorry to be so open, but maybe you have to start to live a double life for some time - and search a possibility to get out asap.
Protection by limiting the communication is a good idea. Talk about flowers, weather, war in Israel - and how it effects you (smile)... but not of your life, feelings etc.

 

[puffymilk]

Sorry to be so open, but maybe you have to start to live a double life for some time - and search a possibility to get out asap.
Protection by limiting the communication is a good idea. Talk about flowers, weather, war in Israel - and how it effects you (smile)... but not of your life, feelings etc.

Yes that's what I've been doing, living a double life, and it's so exhausting. Great idea about the general topics to talk about, I might try that, though it's better to just not talk to her at all lol. Thanks

 

[SamB]

One idea might be to invent things for her to control. You can pick trivial things that you don’t care about like which shoes to wear to an event. Open the debate with your mother, telling her how important this is to you and how you need her help to decide. Whatever she suggests, take the opposite view, if she changes her view then you also change your view and stay with opposing views for a long time. You can drag the debate out for a long time and then finally concede and let your mother win. She thinks she is controlling something important in your life, so is happy, but the result has no significant effect on you.
You can also give her invented choices, so instead of telling her you are going on a date with someone, you can suggest you might go on a date with all sorts of unsuitable people and then later you can reveal the actual person and let her ‘choose’ this person for you.
The other thing you can try is to focus the conversation on her. Talk about all the things in your mothers life and how interesting and exciting they are, even if they are really boring. If she wants to talk about who you are dating then try and switch the topic to ask her who she dated when she was your age and just get as many details as possible, even if you already know everything, ask again and act like this is new and exciting information to you.

 

[Survivorist]

Well to cheer you up - here is someone who never talked - and made a very good living with it...
Tape Face

 

[puffymilk]

One idea might be to invent things for her to control. You can pick trivial things that you don’t care about like which shoes to wear to an event. Open the debate with your mother, telling her how important this is to you and how you need her help to decide. Whatever she suggests, take the opposite view, if she changes her view then you also change your view and stay with opposing views for a long time. You can drag the debate out for a long time and then finally concede and let your mother win. She thinks she is controlling something important in your life, so is happy, but the result has no significant effect on you.
You can also give her invented choices, so instead of telling her you are going on a date with someone, you can suggest you might go on a date with all sorts of unsuitable people and then later you can reveal the actual person and let her ‘choose’ this person for you.
The other thing you can try is to focus the conversation on her. Talk about all the things in your mothers life and how interesting and exciting they are, even if they are really boring. If she wants to talk about who you are dating then try and switch the topic to ask her who she dated when she was your age and just get as many details as possible, even if you already know everything, ask again and act like this is new and exciting information to you.

I wanted to let you know that this actually worked! I tried it today when I was in the car with her driving. It was pretty draining considering I'm the type of person who prefers silence but at least she didn't have the chance to over-criticized me this time. I hope this will always work out. Thank you.

 

[puffymilk]

Today she was not in a very good mood and I made a mistake of talking to her instead of avoiding her. So as you would've guessed she used every chance she had to insult me. Great.

 

[MisterBGone]

Today she was not in a very good mood and I made a mistake of talking to her instead of avoiding her. So as you would've guessed she used every chance she had to insult me. Great.

Only other thing you could try, and I'm not sure how well this would work, aside from having little to no interaction at all of course (which is kind of hard & difficult in your situation...) but would be to just simply not feed into it. But also, to more just minimize the impact of her energy that is negative, and all channeled at you & in your direction. So, in other words, she may come at you hard with something that you are somewhere in the middle of, relevance wise. You care, but only moderately, or medium. Now, instead of fighting for your side, so to speak, about that much (or conversely, more-so if it is of a greater topic or subject of importance) what you can do, is give like a minimal effort response, and then to see if it kind of shuts it down that way. So you're really looking to do, is to not give the flames oxygen, then... & just hope that by doing so they will go ahead & die off on their own. Am I making any sense? It's not being a wise alex/or alexis (?) per se~ but more, again, trying to soften the blow by providing cushion and to limit the effects of her attack. By not giving her the sense of power and control that she seems to crave and seek (out from you). Good luck! It's a nightmare, by the sounds of it - & on all accounts. . .

 

[puffymilk]

Only other thing you could try, and I'm not sure how well this would work, aside from having little to no interaction at all of course (which is kind of hard & difficult in your situation...) but would be to just simply not feed into it. But also, to more just minimize the impact of her energy that is negative, and all channeled at you & in your direction. So, in other words, she may come at you hard with something that you are somewhere in the middle of, relevance wise. You care, but only moderately, or medium. Now, instead of fighting for your side, so to speak, about that much (or conversely, more-so if it is of a greater topic or subject of importance) what you can do, is give like a minimal effort response, and then to see if it kind of shuts it down that way. So you're really looking to do, is to not give the flames oxygen, then... & just hope that by doing so they will go ahead & die off on their own. Am I making any sense? It's not being a wise alex/or alexis (?) per se~ but more, again, trying to soften the blow by providing cushion and to limit the effects of her attack. By not giving her the sense of power and control that she seems to crave and seek (out from you). Good luck! It's a nightmare, by the sounds of it - & on all accounts. . .

Thanks Mr. B. Yeah, a few hours ago I tried to tell myself that everything she said is not true, kind of like tricking my brain/myself. It did make me feel a little better.

 

[MisterBGone]

Thanks Mr. B. Yeah, a few hours ago I tried to tell myself that everything she said is not true, kind of like tricking my brain/myself. It did make me feel a little better.

Another twist, you might try... is that as you were talking earlier of how it had worked, when you made up scenarios & things to argue about with her, and then debate--is that you could come up with things instead, that hold little to no significance to you. Or only very minor, and then to just: let her win (them/the arguments). So that when she goes to engage w/you & to pick up that rope for the tug of war, she will still win & get what it is she is looking for, but that then it will hopefully damage you just a bit less, if you don't really care all that much about the topic of what was being argued or fought about/or over~.*

 

[puffymilk]

So... I made a mistake for "wanting to treat her right" again. I try my best to avoid her as much as I can because every time I try to get close to her it always ends up being a disaster. However, I don't know if it's a "child instinct"(?) but I feel guilty by doing that. It's like, you shouldn't treat your mother like that. She is your mother, go talk to her, get close to her, so that you won't regret it when she's gone. I guess that would be the case if your mom's a lovely and kind person, and sometimes I forget that she's not.

Today was one of those days when I felt that guilt. I haven't really talked to her much because she's always busy and she cares about her stuff more (I don't care about this) and I had been feeling okay lately, so I thought to myself: why not?

Well, it ended up being another disaster. Long story short, she told me that I was useless for having no path in life, and people who aren't my family would hate me for who I am, and that I am lucky that my parents are still letting me live in their house. She also brought up my other family members who are in her words, "less unfortunate than we are" and rhetorically asked me "DO YOU WANT TO BE LIKE THEM?!"

I really don't know what to do. I was thinking of leaving the house without letting my family know (running away, but that word seems too juvenile-ish lol) but I feel like it wouldn't be right. They could track me down and I could get my ass kicked even more. Also I was considering talking to my ex-employer about getting my old job back so that I could at least not see her during the day. When she's awake. I am so frustrated. I was too fucking naive!

 

[MisterBGone]

First off: I know you know / or I hope you do \ that she is wrong here in all of her assessments of you. She seems to be incapable of giving an open, honest, and credible/accurate assessment of her own daughter; perhaps due to her condition, and the fact that--maybe, just maybe--she sees in you, a representation of herself. So in a weird & very strange way, she is seeing in you: a "reflection," of herself. . . only that which she despises, or is repulsed by (for whatever reason). If that is not so, or has very little to do, then it more stems from the fact her condition does not allow her to see anything but faults and flaws with you. For you could be studying to be a doctor, or a lawyer - heck, already even be one! And STILL - some thing, would be 'wrong,' with you (in her eyes).

Secondly: I think, or I feel & believe, truly that "All Options," should be on the table. In regards getting you to significantly consider getting yourself out of this situation, even if, as you say, it's only temporary. That break from her, overwhelming and exhausting/suffocating - all encompassing, 'presence' in your life, may be welcoming, and quite the refresher, even if it is only during day or regular, work hours. That said, if you're able to leave for good, of course that would be better. And tempting as it seems, and would no doubt feel a ton if not ten times superior, to just leave and not say "good bye!" I think, that, given especially your potential ramifications that could be involved, then it is not worth the risk. I also feel that, even in the absence of this (actually happening or coming to fruition) that you would be the one who ends up feeling guilty, over having done such an action to your parents. For you are a good daughter, and a good person/human.

Something with which, your mother, unfortunately, cannot or will not ever relate, or respond (accordingly; favorably) to. I'm afraid. Unless she devotes herself to some serious & significant change. Of which, she may be incapable of. And the first steps to that would include acknowledgment of their being such a problem (w/her ill treatment of you) & then, a need or a desire, to want or spark a change. Say no-thing of the likelihood of this ever actually occurring, and on a satisfactory level.

 

[puffymilk]

First off: I know you know / or I hope you do \ that she is wrong here in all of her assessments of you. She seems to be incapable of giving an open, honest, and credible/accurate assessment of her own daughter; perhaps due to her condition, and the fact that--maybe, just maybe--she sees in you, a representation of herself. So in a weird & very strange way, she is seeing in you: a "reflection," of herself. . . only that which she despises, or is repulsed by (for whatever reason). If that is not so, or has very little to do, then it more stems from the fact her condition does not allow her to see anything but faults and flaws with you. For you could be studying to be a doctor, or a lawyer - heck, already even be one! And STILL - some thing, would be 'wrong,' with you (in her eyes).

Secondly: I think, or I feel & believe, truly that "All Options," should be on the table. In regards getting you to significantly consider getting yourself out of this situation, even if, as you say, it's only temporary. That break from her, overwhelming and exhausting/suffocating - all encompassing, 'presence' in your life, may be welcoming, and quite the refresher, even if it is only during day or regular, work hours. That said, if you're able to leave for good, of course that would be better. And tempting as it seems, and would no doubt feel a ton if not ten times superior, to just leave and not say "good bye!" I think, that, given especially your potential ramifications that could be involved, then it is not worth the risk. I also feel that, even in the absence of this (actually happening or coming to fruition) that you would be the one who ends up feeling guilty, over having done such an action to your parents. For you are a good daughter, and a good person/human.

Something with which, your mother, unfortunately, cannot or will not ever relate, or respond (accordingly; favorably) to. I'm afraid. Unless she devotes herself to some serious & significant change. Of which, she may be incapable of. And the first steps to that would include acknowledgment of their being such a problem (w/her ill treatment of you) & then, a need or a desire, to want or spark a change. Say no-thing of the likelihood of this ever actually occurring, and on a satisfactory level.

Thanks Mr. B. I know for sure, 100% she will never change. She even said it herself "I know what I'm doing annoys a lot of people, but I can't change who I am". The only way to solve this problem is for me to leave and get away from her. I am just frustrated that I don't know how. Do you think I should contact my old employer about this?

 

[MisterBGone]

Thanks Mr. B. I know for sure, 100% she will never change. She even said it herself "I know what I'm doing annoys a lot of people, but I can't change who I am". The only way to solve this problem is for me to leave and get away from her. I am just frustrated that I don't know how. Do you think I should contact my old employer about this?

I really don't see what you've got to lose? Especially if you did not leave on bad terms. Worst they can say, is "No."

 

[puffymilk]

I really don't see what you've got to lose? Especially if you did not leave on bad terms. Worst they can say, is "No."

Thank you, I will think about this.

 

[MisterBGone]

Thank you, I will think about this.

Yes, and if they say 'Yes!' Then you've got a decision to make. And that is a very good problem to have, I think~