I absolutely hate seeking validations from men. But my mother is the one who made me have this low self-esteem. Over criticizing me over the dumbest shit. And when a guy tells me that I'm beautifulperfectpretty whatever, it makes me feel validated and happy. I'm always like, see? There's nothing wrong with me. In fact, what is wrong with YOU? People think I'm pretty. It makes me feel pretty shallow.
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Narcissistic Mother
- Thread starter puffymilk
- Start date
Suddenly this conversation that I had with my mother came to mind. She said something along the line of "you know if you don't pray, WHEN I GO TO HEAVEN, I will not be able to help you, right?" I'm not very religious, and I'm still learning about the whole "life after death" thing, but still, why would you say that to your child?
It's happening again... I don't know how much longer I can take this. I know it's not good to dislike your mother but how can I like her if THIS is how she behaves? I know damn well she expects me to be the kind of daughter that takes care of her mother when she's older but I don't even know if I can do that. How can you expect me to do that if this is how you treat me? It doesn't even make sense.
All I can do is just complain here, or to a friend that I can trust. She said that it's great that I'm so patient and she told me not to worry because one day I will escape this. But when? This part of my life's future seems so bleak. I feel stuck here. I hate this part of my life.
She's the only one who's allowed to be angry, sad, and hurt, whilst I (and we all, except her of course) have to stay neutral and calm. If I dare to show any emotions, she'll scream at me even more. If I start crying, she would say "oh crying is all you can do!", even though when she's sad, she cries all the time. Fuck you.
All I can do is just complain here, or to a friend that I can trust. She said that it's great that I'm so patient and she told me not to worry because one day I will escape this. But when? This part of my life's future seems so bleak. I feel stuck here. I hate this part of my life.
She's the only one who's allowed to be angry, sad, and hurt, whilst I (and we all, except her of course) have to stay neutral and calm. If I dare to show any emotions, she'll scream at me even more. If I start crying, she would say "oh crying is all you can do!", even though when she's sad, she cries all the time. Fuck you.
I think, it may be easier to see... How you might feel comfortable, or compelled, to-care for her~ when that/or the--time_comes^
It sounds like, time & space: or separation is what may be of or in order here. Not that you don't already know that, of course...
Please feel free to talk about it all you want. Certainly isn't (going to be) bothering us!
It sounds like, time & space: or separation is what may be of or in order here. Not that you don't already know that, of course...
Please feel free to talk about it all you want. Certainly isn't (going to be) bothering us!
I agree that separation is the best way, and I would LOVE to be separated from my parents. I wouldn't mind actually moving out and living independently. It would be great. It's just not currently possible. That's why I said that I regret coming back home after living abroad by myself for almost 2 years.
If I tell them that I would want to move out, they wouldn't let me do it. My dad would be like, why would you want to live alone when you still have your parents? The only possible way is if I get to move abroad for a job or if I get married. I don't really care/not desperate about marriage and they've hinted that they wouldn't let me move for a job if I'm still single.
I don't know. I'm just hoping that some kind of miracle will happen.
If I tell them that I would want to move out, they wouldn't let me do it. My dad would be like, why would you want to live alone when you still have your parents? The only possible way is if I get to move abroad for a job or if I get married. I don't really care/not desperate about marriage and they've hinted that they wouldn't let me move for a job if I'm still single.
I don't know. I'm just hoping that some kind of miracle will happen.
Ok. That is complicated, and complex... for sure! BUT: I Still don't think you made a mistake, by/or on. . . the decision to work on fixing/healing/repairing yourself. If you needed to. For often when we don't address it, or let it fester, it only grows & becomes (then) worse - in the end. So, you had to do one thing, get better--before you could go out & be ready to do the other (do work). For if you'd have just dove right into the deep end. Sure you may have survived for a little while, or a little bit. But it would only be a matter of time, before it had the potential to all suddenly (or not so suddenly) collapse. And then leave you in an equally undesirable state, or place. Yes, the family dynamic complicates things - TREMENDOUSLY!!!! I Agree. And that is a different law, or rules/& regulations that you live by there under your parent's watch, & roof. But I can also understand it to a degree. There was a time, when I was maybe 24. I'd wanted & prepared to move out to L.A., Calif~& they said; Hey, No Way Jose*!_. (to which): it was funny, b/c my friend who was in medical school, and that I'd grown up with. Said to me, You're an ADULT. You can do whatever you want. And I just sort of said, or went - You really don't have any idea, how it is, do you? On the one hand, you're right & on the other, not. For I could have gone. . . but there'd have been HELL To-Pay~*
You need to break the hold that your parents have on you, that is money.
Once you have your job secured, start saving as much as you can and build yourself a buffer.
Once you have a buffer built up then move out of your parents house, you don’t have to ask permission or get their support in this. Once you have your own money you can simply just do it.
Once you are moved out then you can redefine the terms of your relationship with your parents.
When you see them, go to their house or a neutral venue and always have a way to leave whenever you want. If they do something unacceptable, then calmly tell them you won’t tolerate that behaviour and just leave. Don’t do it angrily or emotionally, just very calmly leave the situation, no engagement, no debate, no argument, simply tell them it’s not acceptable and leave.
It’s like training a child or a dog, you have to be consistent, firm and deprive them of what they want - attention.
Once you have your job secured, start saving as much as you can and build yourself a buffer.
Once you have a buffer built up then move out of your parents house, you don’t have to ask permission or get their support in this. Once you have your own money you can simply just do it.
Once you are moved out then you can redefine the terms of your relationship with your parents.
When you see them, go to their house or a neutral venue and always have a way to leave whenever you want. If they do something unacceptable, then calmly tell them you won’t tolerate that behaviour and just leave. Don’t do it angrily or emotionally, just very calmly leave the situation, no engagement, no debate, no argument, simply tell them it’s not acceptable and leave.
It’s like training a child or a dog, you have to be consistent, firm and deprive them of what they want - attention.
Thanks, I'll keep this in mind. Yeah I think money would be a huge help here. I really didn't make much from my last job and I am grateful for my parents for still supporting me. My mom used to rip on me about how much I used to make. She said it was to "motivate" me but really I thought she was just being a big bully like a narcissist she is. For this current job I think it would be enough for me to live independently.
I really hope I can do that soon.
I really hope I can do that soon.
Some stuff that my npd mom has said and hurt me that I still remember to this day:
- Said that she WILL go to heaven and I won't because she prays better than me, and when she will go to heaven, she won't be able to help me.
- Because she's religious, she criticized me of not giving enough to charities, giving tips to people, because giving is a very important thing in the religion, and that I'm a sinner because of it. What she doesn't know is that I actually do that I just don't tell people about it and I don't brag about "giving so much". I just do it, and don't think about it. Whilst she's probably keeping track on every penny she has given to others. Oh wow, so holy, ain't she?
I feel your pain because I also had a horrible relationship with my mother while we lived together. I moved out when I went to college and didn't move back and didn't visit on the weekends and didn't do all sorts of things with their family most other college kids did.
All I can say is work hard, save money, calculate your budget carefully, be frugal, and move out as soon as you feel certain you won't have to move back or beg them for money. Like SamB said, you don't need any family member's permission as a legal adult to go rent an apartment or house. (Well, I didn't catch where you live, but hopefully that is the case there.)
If you feel brave, and don't think you will be thrown out on the street, you can speak up more with her about differences in beliefs, or other topics. It was tough for me because my mother was very religious, but I did tell her during high school that I didn't believe in what she raised me with. That didn't stop her from from continuing to push the beliefs on me for decades until I got really upset and drew a line for her. But at least I didn't have to waste my time pretending during the rest of high school or worrying about what to do when she 'found out'.
All I can say is work hard, save money, calculate your budget carefully, be frugal, and move out as soon as you feel certain you won't have to move back or beg them for money. Like SamB said, you don't need any family member's permission as a legal adult to go rent an apartment or house. (Well, I didn't catch where you live, but hopefully that is the case there.)
If you feel brave, and don't think you will be thrown out on the street, you can speak up more with her about differences in beliefs, or other topics. It was tough for me because my mother was very religious, but I did tell her during high school that I didn't believe in what she raised me with. That didn't stop her from from continuing to push the beliefs on me for decades until I got really upset and drew a line for her. But at least I didn't have to waste my time pretending during the rest of high school or worrying about what to do when she 'found out'.
I skimmed this thread so I apologize if I'm duplicating someone else's comments. But until you get your financial situation where you can move out, consider spending more of your free time not at home. Such as at a library or some other place you can be productive, or rest, without this person in your ear.
At the library (or wherever) you can research places you might want to move to once you can afford it, or look for higher paying jobs, or study.. always good to learn things.
At the library (or wherever) you can research places you might want to move to once you can afford it, or look for higher paying jobs, or study.. always good to learn things.
Yeah that's what I really need, a place to actually rest so I can be away from her, for awhile at least. I was thinking of paying for an airbnb or a hotel and stay there for maybe 3-7 days, but of course that would be suspicious. My parents would ask me why would I need to stay at a hotel? I can't say that I need to get away from mom of course.
I'm sorry you're still forced to deal with your mother in this situation. Sometimes, it's better to view the communication as follows: focus on "why," she's saying the things she's saying, that are so outlandish, and over the top; & out-there. As opposed to, 'what' she's saying. I guess this is the way therapists or psychologists, sometimes do it. So pay no matter, or attention, to all of the crazy things that she is saying to you (very hard to do, I know). But the point is, to try to emphasize and to ask yourself, what is the reason then - that she is behaving in this way. I mean, I guess you pretty much know. However, maybe switching up that/or your mindset, could be helpful in some ways of realizing that taking away some of the power ,or sting of her hurtful words... into just reducing or boiling them down to their absolute core (or where their coming from, or derived) & understanding instead, the genesis of all of these mean & nasty things that she is saying (to you).
Just save your money and move out sooner. A cheaper option: physical barrier inside the house. You have a door? Use it. Try slowly increasing how much time it is closed each day and you are doing your own thing. If you get too much pushback or interruptions you could schedule a certain time each day that is 'me time' or 'study time' or 'book club time' or 'nap time'.. whatever you would enjoy that they would also leave you alone for. Put a sign on the door if you have to.
If you don't have your own room then you can do something similar in a 'corner' or whatever you have.
If you don't have your own room then you can do something similar in a 'corner' or whatever you have.