hi and welcome daniel. you will be surprised how many peeps are just like you thats why we are all here. why do you feel the way you do? post as and when you feel like it, there is always someone that will help you.
i have for years tried to figure out if should die. when i was in second grade, i first started to try commiting suicide and failed horribly. i come from a very unhealthy family, and it tought me that i was as i would have put it "god's mistake" the way ive been rased as made me see the world in ways way different than those around me. (keep in mind im from a small community) when people or pets close to me die, i dont feel sad because i realize thats a natural part of life. when i get in fights, i see the pain, but i observe it as a beautiful part of life, and those around me dont understand that. i still have yet to know why specifically, but i never feel angry myself and yet it seems other humans rarely feel anything but angry. these things constantly tell me that i do not belong as a member of the human race. also, my family consideres me abusive because they think i tried to control my mother when i was living with her and though i disagree, i have no right to hold my perception above others. with that in mind, i find myself awaire that i am likely to be a risk to humanity and i choose to do what i can to not be a risk even if it means death. because i have this unique ability to controle all my emotions, i put a higher standard for myself and being abusive to others is not acceptable at all. my emotions, however, often tell me that there is hope and i will find a place where people see things "as clearly" as i do. because i spend all my time by myself or being attacked by my familly, it is easy for me to temperarily eliminate that hope, but i always wait to long to act on it because i dont want to make rash decisions. even just today that happened. maybe im going to end up a lonely old man in turmoil who never got the guts up to just do it already!
