Hi again
@adrasteia
Sorry I misspelled your name in my last reply, I just read your story, wow what a strong young lady you are, I'm so sorry that you've had so much to deal with.
It must be so difficult to find the energy to keep fighting, when I had my first lung x-rays the doctor told me that if I continue to smoke I can expect to live for another 3-5 years, this was before my RA diagnosis, around two years ago, I gave up for around a year and have been smoking again now for a year. I feel very guilty about this, especially when people such as yourself have done nothing to bring about your illness.
I do know however how it feels to be living on a timer. I liken it to the same overwhelming emotions you have when someone very close to you dies, you can't live with it consuming you 24/7 life must go on X
It is something that is always running in the background if that makes sense? But you can't let those thoughts take the wheel? Academics and scholars throughout history used to work with a scull on their desk or in their study, to remind them of their mortality, you and I have inbuilt reminders, I try to use that to make myself really live in the beautiful moments that I experience, I try not to pass up any opportunity to experience something if I can find the energy and support.
I drink in people's smiles, beautiful sunrises, small natural things like the movement of birds and the wind in the trees, things that make me feel like a part of the world. It's why I love to dive, I feel like a part of something eternal.
I hope I haven't sounded cheesy or corny but I just wanted to encourage you to drink it all in, all of it, even the frowns and the mishaps.
Sending strength and compassion to you, you're strong, intelligent and brave and you can accomplish so much, don't give in x