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No more suicide for me

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My respect for goodness and beauty was immense all my life. Though you all deserted me and left me alone and totally isolated for so many years, without the slightest guilt or insanity from my part (I still can tell and I still remember everything). No one wants me and everyone pushed me to commit suicide. I am not Narcissus to commit suicide eventually and I am not Oedipus to destroy my sight (that is illusory like any other human sense) and I am not Socrates to commit ritual suicide (because that was not trial or condemnation of philosophy as a matter of fact) . I might have been all of them because others or the circumstances prearranged all of these....I was all of them but none. I deeply think that life is something very good and beautiful and necessary and my respect stayed the same through the years and whenever I was pushed to the limit I asked myself the same question -- do I hurt life or existence of things by killing myself? I will not commit suicide -- first of all in order to protect whatever may be connected with the link between my body and my spirit or with the dissolution of this link -- if that will happen sometime because of the necessity of the whole. If I were someone else (it does not matter whom) I would not have killed a woman like I am and like I always was. Paradoxically, my too deep maternal instinct -- the cause of my brightest happiness and of my deepest pain -- demands me to avoid by all means committing suicide. (It is true that I disliked being poisoned -- and that was true, or tortured by any means, and I disliked the stealing of my humble belongings (old or new)....but this will pass...someday).
 
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