Seems like no matter how hard I try, I can't win. I feel so stupid. I want to go extremely far away from everyone I know just so I can off myself and no one would know.
I'm so sick of people telling me what to do and how I should act. If I try to be my natural self, it's not good enough. People tell me I'm too soft and quiet, especially my father. Then when I'm around other people and I try to be talkative, funny, and charismatic, people tell me I'm either stupid or I act like a kid or something. Then you got the other idiots who don't even know me off the street having something smart to say to me.
People tell me I don't listen. That I don't know anything. That I'm naive and unaware. Dummies. I fucking know things. I'm aware of things. I have tons of things going through my mind that would take those average judgemental morons a million years to even understand. If I ever make the mistake of telling anyone about my suicidal feelings, either no one pays any attention, they laugh and think it's a joke, or they just think I'm stupid or something.
You ever feel like you have no real authority but everyone else does? Like... when I try to tell my dad about how I feel - I just tried to tell him today that "people are always telling me how to act - no matter how I act, someone is not going to like it" and he all he said was "you don't listen"... I just wanted to yell SO bad "No, YOU LISTEN TO ME MOTHER*****".....
I know I'm weak... I'm not a man, I'm a scared child who just thinks about death all of the time, because it seems so much better (and getting better all of the time, everyday). I thought I could beat my feelings... I tried my best to be happy, but I realize it may be impossible - I'm thinking my paranoia (I have asperger's syndrome like some others on this forum) may be "luring" people I hate to me... like it's making situations much more bad than they actually seem. I don't know - I just feel alone without a voice. When people tell me to speak up and be strong, I try to do so - and whenever I do, it's apparently at the wrong time or the wrong place or I just get myself into a whole mess I didn't even fucking want in the first place.
I keep hoping *every* day that I'll die in some kind of accident or something. It's always the people who didn't do anything that get killed... why can't I be one of those people?
I wish people would get it. I can't change. If I did, someone will hate me. If I stay as myself, someone is going to hate me. Why am I here, really? Why does it seem like anyone else can just be themselves and not get judged for it? What the hell is it about ME specifically that garners so much anger and hatred from others?
Later...
I'm so sick of people telling me what to do and how I should act. If I try to be my natural self, it's not good enough. People tell me I'm too soft and quiet, especially my father. Then when I'm around other people and I try to be talkative, funny, and charismatic, people tell me I'm either stupid or I act like a kid or something. Then you got the other idiots who don't even know me off the street having something smart to say to me.
People tell me I don't listen. That I don't know anything. That I'm naive and unaware. Dummies. I fucking know things. I'm aware of things. I have tons of things going through my mind that would take those average judgemental morons a million years to even understand. If I ever make the mistake of telling anyone about my suicidal feelings, either no one pays any attention, they laugh and think it's a joke, or they just think I'm stupid or something.
You ever feel like you have no real authority but everyone else does? Like... when I try to tell my dad about how I feel - I just tried to tell him today that "people are always telling me how to act - no matter how I act, someone is not going to like it" and he all he said was "you don't listen"... I just wanted to yell SO bad "No, YOU LISTEN TO ME MOTHER*****".....
I know I'm weak... I'm not a man, I'm a scared child who just thinks about death all of the time, because it seems so much better (and getting better all of the time, everyday). I thought I could beat my feelings... I tried my best to be happy, but I realize it may be impossible - I'm thinking my paranoia (I have asperger's syndrome like some others on this forum) may be "luring" people I hate to me... like it's making situations much more bad than they actually seem. I don't know - I just feel alone without a voice. When people tell me to speak up and be strong, I try to do so - and whenever I do, it's apparently at the wrong time or the wrong place or I just get myself into a whole mess I didn't even fucking want in the first place.
I keep hoping *every* day that I'll die in some kind of accident or something. It's always the people who didn't do anything that get killed... why can't I be one of those people?
I wish people would get it. I can't change. If I did, someone will hate me. If I stay as myself, someone is going to hate me. Why am I here, really? Why does it seem like anyone else can just be themselves and not get judged for it? What the hell is it about ME specifically that garners so much anger and hatred from others?
Later...