Recovery? What is recovery?
I am less impulsive yes, i am able to attend college... living back home with my partner and children but don't fit in. not in any aspect of my life.
I feel as though I have no personality at all.
I still don't know anymore about me then i did years ago, I'm calmer because i rarely react, I am that awkward person you see that cant bring words to the surface, I cant speak to staff in a shop alone. I've been avoiding the school run and the food shop again. feel it has been such a build up.
Although my family are in touch with me now i know they still don't accept mental health. After everything we went through the breakdown, I thought I would be closer to closure, but we have slipped right back into where we were before, we don't talk about anything that they don't want to hear or basically risk losing touch all over again. So although there is a familiar comfort in being around them, i seem to have put myself back into a box that i spent so long trying to escape.
At home my relationship is more of a fragile friendship, the children don't really see us as parents but maybe more housemates, adult disagreements seem to become more of a divide in the house with one child going with each, its horrible! I find myself thinking how to escape, how if i could turn back the clock i wouldn't bring children into such a messed up situation, ,well not situation, to such a messed up mother.
I think i am a narcissist I am actually a terrible mother. as hard as I try I always slip up. The damage I am doing.
I am feeling very much like a needle in a haystack, the world is my haystack.
I have no voice, no personality, no family, no friends.
I feel very aware of my heart beating but it feels so unnatural.
I need to find a way to feel better, to build my family up not tear them down!
I need some kind of spark in me.
How do i become a real person, a daughter, a sister, a mother, an auntie not this empty floating vessel.
I am less impulsive yes, i am able to attend college... living back home with my partner and children but don't fit in. not in any aspect of my life.
I feel as though I have no personality at all.
I still don't know anymore about me then i did years ago, I'm calmer because i rarely react, I am that awkward person you see that cant bring words to the surface, I cant speak to staff in a shop alone. I've been avoiding the school run and the food shop again. feel it has been such a build up.
Although my family are in touch with me now i know they still don't accept mental health. After everything we went through the breakdown, I thought I would be closer to closure, but we have slipped right back into where we were before, we don't talk about anything that they don't want to hear or basically risk losing touch all over again. So although there is a familiar comfort in being around them, i seem to have put myself back into a box that i spent so long trying to escape.
At home my relationship is more of a fragile friendship, the children don't really see us as parents but maybe more housemates, adult disagreements seem to become more of a divide in the house with one child going with each, its horrible! I find myself thinking how to escape, how if i could turn back the clock i wouldn't bring children into such a messed up situation, ,well not situation, to such a messed up mother.
I think i am a narcissist I am actually a terrible mother. as hard as I try I always slip up. The damage I am doing.
I am feeling very much like a needle in a haystack, the world is my haystack.
I have no voice, no personality, no family, no friends.
I feel very aware of my heart beating but it feels so unnatural.
I need to find a way to feel better, to build my family up not tear them down!
I need some kind of spark in me.
How do i become a real person, a daughter, a sister, a mother, an auntie not this empty floating vessel.
