Not good enough

[Lara_C]

I can't break the circle because, even if my thoughts are not the better, life itself is bringing me more pain and suffering

Yes you can. Stop thinking about the future, and live in the present. You are only fearful because of the long ingrained habit of anticipating the future in the worst possible way. Forget it for a single moment and notice that right now you're actually ok. Don't let your mind run on automatic pilot. You are not forced to think as you do - you are in charge of your mind. Every time you catch yourself thinking of the future bring it back to NOW.

I'm not who I should be to have what I want and need

You only have to change the way you think, starting with I'm not who I should be. You can become who you want to be just by changing your mind.

 

[Lara_C]

Stop! Halt! P-A-U-S-E! Just NOTICE right this minute "I'm OK". Even say it to yourself over and over mantra like until you do notice you really are ok right now. As soon as a thought of the future raises its head, shoot it down by telling yourself: "here comes a thought - I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok." or " I'm not good enough - I'm OK ". You get the idea.

If you keep this up you will notice its true, you are ok in reality i.e. now, and its only your thoughts which make you think you're not. You may doubt that something so simple works, but if you do it, I promise you it will.

Forget the future, keep your mind focused on NOW, minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day - and the future will take care of itself.

 

[Lara_C]

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

Just wondering, does your therapist do mindfulness with you? Have you heard of dbt?

 

[Jolene]

Stop! Halt! P-A-U-S-E! Just NOTICE right this minute "I'm OK". Even say it to yourself over and over mantra like until you do notice you really are ok right now. As soon as a thought of the future raises its head, shoot it down by telling yourself: "here comes a thought - I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok." or " I'm not good enough - I'm OK ". You get the idea.

If you keep this up you will notice its true, you are ok in reality i.e. now, and its only your thoughts which make you think you're not. You may doubt that something so simple works, but if you do it, I promise you it will.

Forget the future, keep your mind focused on NOW, minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day - and the future will take care of itself.

Thank you Lara. I'll try.
But the thing is that NOW I'm not ok. Something is happening, or not happening and... This is killing me. But what you suggest could work for another things, so when the problem is the future, I'll use that mantra, I'll try, I promise.

 

[Petal]

You are good enough @Jolene

 

[Jolene]

Just wondering, does your therapist do mindfulness with you? Have you heard of dbt?

No, she doesn't. She only listens to me and tells me certain things about why what I'm doing isn't right, but she doesn't go further. Also, she have been trying EMDR with me for TWO YEARS, trying to find the start of my insecurities, why I have them and what caused them, in order to cure them. The problem is that I am so focused on the present and the recent past that it's impossible to me to "go" back in time (more than a few years) so we are not getting anything.

 

[Jolene]

You are good enough @Jolene

Thank you. I wish, but... The situation is telling me that I'm not.
Thank you for your words, support and the hug, I really need one.

 

[Petal]

Here's some more hugs for you

No matter what you are going through Jolene holding onto hope can help, I've learned that through my own journey to recovery. And keeping on reaching out like you are doing here is a very positive step forward, one day you will know and believe that the fight was worth it and that you are good enough and always have been, you just couldn't see it through the eyes of depression.

 

[rubytigrcat]

Yes, I know, but I am scared. I don't feel comfortable with them and I'm concerned about side effects. I will discuss it with my doctor, of course, but it's hard...

Yes, it’s scary stuff. Do you think it can be worse than where you are now?

 

[Lara_C]

Thank you Lara. I'll try.
But the thing is that NOW I'm not ok. Something is happening, or not happening and... This is killing me. But what you suggest could work for another things, so when the problem is the future, I'll use that mantra, I'll try, I promise.

You only feel bad because you're thinking about happened and what will happen and this is the habit you've got to stop if you want peace. Because your mind is on the future or the past its impossible to notice that you really are ok right now, in this very moment. You have to become very aware of your thought process and catch yourself when your mind strays away from whats right in front of you and whatever you're doing in the present.

Of course it helps if youre doing something interesting but keeping your mind fixed on whatever that is instead of straying off into thoughts of the painful past or fearful future. You are the only one who can take charge of your own mind and train it to serve your well being and happiness, instead of undermining you. You are not powerless.

 

[HappyKitty]

Thank you Lara. I'll try.
But the thing is that NOW I'm not ok. Something is happening, or not happening and... This is killing me. But what you suggest could work for another things, so when the problem is the future, I'll use that mantra, I'll try, I promise.

Yes and stop thinking of what go wrong and think of what could go right instead Jolene, you can do it. Also, you’re not useless like why would you call yourselves useless when you didn’t even do anything?
Psychologists says, using the right language does help to stop that train of thoughts.

 

[Jolene]

Here's some more hugs for you

No matter what you are going through Jolene holding onto hope can help, I've learned that through my own journey to recovery. And keeping on reaching out like you are doing here is a very positive step forward, one day you will know and believe that the fight was worth it and that you are good enough and always have been, you just couldn't see it through the eyes of depression.

Thank you so much...
I know the fight worths it but... Am I capable of getting what I want and need? Could I possibly "win"? I don't think so...
Hope. Oh, hope. I have a problem: I am afraid as hell of hope because I see it as "illusions". I know this is awful but I rather be negative and be wrong about the situation than be optimistic and then... It's pathological and it's one of the things I am working with my therapist. I know that there must be balance somewhere but I can't find it.
If I cry and cry for days and then things are not as bad as I thought, well, it doesn't matter that I have suffered for "nothing". I prefer that than being like "everything's ok, nothing bad is happening" and then discover that, while I was thinking that, bad things were happening and waiting to hurt me. As I said, it's something that I've always "had" and one of the aims of my therapy is finding a comfortable and realistic point for me.

 

[Jolene]

Yes, it’s scary stuff. Do you think it can be worse than where you are now?

Yes. My body have complicated reactions to some meds or no reaction at all (then they have no effect). And since side effects of some meds are suicidal thoughts and I already have them... I am afraid that the meds give me the courage to do it, because the lack of it is the reason I'm still alive.
Also... As I said, my situation is complicated. I depend 100% of my external circumstances. No meds will change that, so the pain will remain

 

[Jolene]

You only feel bad because you're thinking about happened and what will happen and this is the habit you've got to stop if you want peace. Because your mind is on the future or the past its impossible to notice that you really are ok right now, in this very moment. You have to become very aware of your thought process and catch yourself when your mind strays away from whats right in front of you and whatever you're doing in the present.

Of course it helps if youre doing something interesting but keeping your mind fixed on whatever that is instead of straying off into thoughts of the painful past or fearful future. You are the only one who can take charge of your own mind and train it to serve your well being and happiness, instead of undermining you. You are not powerless.

But the present is hurting me, the lack of certain things and not knowing what I did wrong recently. I am powerless about it.
Understanding my thoughts is something that I'm learning to do but... I depend on my external circumstances, I can't help it. My therapist knows. I try to control myself and my way of acting, regarding my thoughts, fightning for what I want and need even if I'm hopeless. She (my therapist) says that she never met somebody so controlling about it. I plan how to act in the emotional situations with strategies until a point where I get even more broken because I depend on things that I can't control. So... Well, you see the results. I am frustrated and hurt.

 

[Jolene]

Yes and stop thinking of what go wrong and think of what could go right instead Jolene, you can do it. Also, you’re not useless like why would you call yourselves useless when you didn’t even do anything?
Psychologists says, using the right language does help to stop that train of thoughts.

You are right but it's compicated for me. My negativess is pathological (I'm trying to solve it with therapy, is one of my aims) and not being able to do anything about the things that matter the most to me is killing me

 

[Lara_C]

But the present is hurting me, the lack of certain things and not knowing what I did wrong recently. I am powerless about it.

But your mind isn't in the present Jolene - you're thinking about the past, what you lost and what you did wrong, and seeing the future in the mirror of the painful past, trapping yourself in a mental prison of the pain of the non existent past and fear of the non existent future. You're not living in reality - the present - and you will never have peace until you realize that the present is all that there really is and let go the disturbing thoughts of the past and future.

 

[Jolene]

But your mind isn't in the present Jolene - you're thinking about the past, what you lost and what you did wrong, and seeing the future in the mirror of the painful past, trapping yourself in a mental prison of the pain of the non existent past and fear of the non existent future. You're not living in reality - the present - and you will never have peace until you realize that the present is all that there really is and let go the disturbing thoughts of the past and future.

Yes but there are also new things and they are / aren't in the present and it's all about the present. It's about how to get what I want and need and if I really can do it because I'm not good enough. I'm trying to get, not recover something. But it's worst.
A year ago yes, I was more like you are describing and IT WAS BETTER. It was awful, yes, but better than this new pain, the uncertain things and how fragile the good ones are because I can't have anything, is always the same: Life showing me the candy, putting it in my hands and taking it away from me just before I can unwrap it, just when I wanted it the most. Last six months have been that and the torture is unbearable. As I said, the pain of a year ago was "better" because it was all the time the same, at least that.

 

[Lara_C]

It's about how to get what I want and need and if I really can do it because I'm not good enough. I'm trying to get, not recover something.

Last six months have been that and the torture is unbearable.

There you go again right there Jolene - thinking of the fear -laden non existent future and the pain- laden non existent past. You are bringing the past into the present and into the future too, not actually noticing the present, the here and now which is all that really exists, and ever will. If you were actually fully present NOW, with your mind focused on what is right in front of you right this moment, you would be free of pain and fear.

 

[Lara_C]

the torture is unbearable.

Let it go Jolene. Why cling on to pain -filled memories of the past, and fear-filled thoughts of the future. The past is over, and the future is yours to create. Life is not out to get you Jolene and its only your own thoughts which are torturing you. Give yourself a chance, please. Decide to be well. Forget the past and the imaginary future in your head. Step into the present and come back to life anew. You can be free of the pain, the fear, the torture, and you and you alone have the key to your mental prison. Life can be full of happiness if you just open your mind to all the beauty and goodness all around you. The universe obviously thinks you're good enough.