Not quite suicidal, but hopeful to die.

[Meganlea83]

About 5 or more years ago I took 2 months to carefully plan out my suicide in a way that I would never be found but people would know I was gone. Then one night, I slept with my ex and got pregnant. I hoped to miscarry, nope. Then she was born, I spent the next 2 years resenting my innocent baby girl because I was stuck here. Somehow I got past that and became a decent mother to her and she remains my reason for being.

Yes I still think about suicide, but feel it's not an option. So, I shifted that thought to just wishing and hoping for something catastrophic to happen to me. Car accident, terminal illness, anything that will kill me. That way my daughter will never think get mommy killed herself. Don't get me wrong, I don't drive recklessly or search out death. Just simply hoping and wishing for death top search me out. I just don't want to live anymore. I am exhausted with pain everyday. I've done the whole medication and therapy thing my whole life. And sure, not all my days are the worst, I even have some good ones. I'm just done. I am ready to die. I want to die. Am I crazy for thinking this way? Am i alone in thinking this way? Certainly i can't be the only one.

 

[Anon Mouse]

No, No your not. I have self harmed, I have <mod edit - method> all before I even reached my teens.

I have a baby too and he is the only reason I don't do the deed myself. I often find myself walking by the roadside thinking 'I could lose my footing and one of these trucks could do me' and I find myself wanting that. I could have a heart attack and die in my sleep.
Trapped... That is all I can feel. I can't cry anymore, I can't laugh for real and I just can't function like a normal person. The only reason I am alive is because of my son and I wish I could have the strength I had when he was born... because as time passes I can feel all that fading away. All the hope, all the will.

I will give him a better life than I had for as long as I can but for myself?
I lost my life years ago.

 

[Meganlea83]

No, No your not. I have self harmed, I have <mod edit - method> all before I even reached my teens.

I have a baby too and he is the only reason I don't do the deed myself. I often find myself walking by the roadside thinking 'I could lose my footing and one of these trucks could do me' and I find myself wanting that. I could have a heart attack and die in my sleep.
Trapped... That is all I can feel. I can't cry anymore, I can't laugh for real and I just can't function like a normal person. The only reason I am alive is because of my son and I wish I could have the strength I had when he was born... because as time passes I can feel all that fading away. All the hope, all the will.

I will give him a better life than I had for as long as I can but for myself?
I lost my life years ago.

Thank you! I'm so glad I'm not alone. <3

 

[Anon Mouse]

We generally never are love. I'm here if you ever need a chat. <3

 

[Walker]

Lots of people feel exactly like this. You are definitely NOT alone. It's pretty common around here when people talk about the way they feel about things. Come back and say hello again some time ok? We're happy to have you.