OCD - exposure therapy, CBT and experiences

[Aves]

Thank you for making this post.

O CD rules my every waking thought. Have tried CBC and exposure, but could never manage the exposure, anxiety just to h igh.

OCD really is like living in a nightmare, I hope there is something that could help make things better for you some day.
I’m pretty anxious about the exposure therapy, I don’t know how I’m going to cope with it but I’ve never done it before so I’m going to give it a try. If it’s not for me then I’m going to try and not be hard on myself.

 

[Aves]

I hope you can join your son for that sandwich one day.
All of us here are a work in progress.
I hope the exposure therapy really helps you.

Thank you! I hope things can get better for you too.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat one but I’d be so happy if I could just make him one and sit with him whilst he eats it, that’s the goal 🤞

 

[Citizen Insane]

I recalled just now that one of the other exposure exercises years ago was to:

[Actively think about everything that scares me about the subject of World War 2 - while cooking a meal at the same time for about 30 minutes]

I didn't think I could do this beforehand... I believed for 100% I would not be able to function at all during those 30 minutes. Of course the anxiety increased dramatically, but I also felt free in my mind: I could think about everything that scares me without there being the consequence of "not being able to function" or "being forced by my mind to look up information on the subject of World War 2".

A strange connection I had made for many years was: "This subject is too sickening to me, it feels like it's important, but it scares me so much" I felt like I was going through a psychotic episode (see the first post in this thread). I was looking up information on the internet in hope to find relief for acknowledging my fears for my own thinking - This was my compulsive action.

[Seeing something that reminded me of anything remotely related to World War 2 triggered so many things in me... The more I read about it online, the worse it got.]

The psychologist may have noticed that I was actually trying to seriously avoid thinking about the subject entirely. And they were just thoughts in the end and nothing more. This exposure exercise had the best effect and result versus the negative expectations I had.

I made the connection during and after the exposure exercise that I could think about things that scare me to my core and still manage to function: Cook a meal for the entire duration, eat it and not getting distracted at all and not feeling the desire to perform the compulsive actions afterwards.

And this is the long version of why I can now go watch Oppenheimer later this month, a 3 hour movie. =)

 

[Aves]

I recalled just now that one of the other exposure exercises years ago was to:

[Actively think about everything that scares me about the subject of World War 2 - while cooking a meal at the same time for about 30 minutes]

I didn't think I could do this beforehand... I believed for 100% I would not be able to function at all during those 30 minutes. Of course the anxiety increased dramatically, but I also felt free in my mind: I could think about everything that scares me without there being the consequence of "not being able to function" or "being forced by my mind to look up information on the subject of World War 2".

A strange connection I had made for many years was: "This subject is too sickening to me, it feels like it's important, but it scares me so much" I felt like I was going through a psychotic episode (see the first post in this thread). I was looking up information on the internet in hope to find relief for acknowledging my fears for my own thinking - This was my compulsive action.

[Seeing something that reminded me of anything remotely related to World War 2 triggered so many things in me... The more I read about it online, the worse it got.]

The psychologist may have noticed that I was actually trying to seriously avoid thinking about the subject entirely. And they were just thoughts in the end and nothing more. This exposure exercise had the best effect and result versus the negative expectations I had.

I made the connection during and after the exposure exercise that I could think about things that scare me to my core and still manage to function: Cook a meal for the entire duration, eat it and not getting distracted at all and not feeling the desire to perform the compulsive actions afterwards.

And this is the long version of why I can now go watch Oppenheimer later this month, a 3 hour movie. =)

This is very interesting, thank you for sharing. I think my "touch wood" ritual is similar in that I tell myself that I cannot sleep until I’ve done it in case something on my list (or not on my list) happens in the night. I suppose it all comes down to having a fear of not being in control, it seems to me that this seems to be a recurring factor in OCD.

 

[Citizen Insane]

A less obvious thing I learned this year that I'd like to share:

After sleeping or napping and waking up inbetween, you might notice that you feel less capable and sometimes even defenseless versus negative thoughts/expectations (stemming from OCD and more). Insomnia, lack of sleep basically always increases mental health symptoms for me...
The thoughts and feelings are more free to develop when our "guard" is down.

It can feel quite bad. - Trying to start a new day, finding new energy just to be instantly greeted by some horrendous thoughts and feelings of anxiety.

I'm not at 100% yet where I can cope with this fully and feel comfortable. It does help to know that my coping and defense versus these psychological processes are simply "out of my control". I suppose it happens to the best of us .

It doesn't need to become a bigger thing - that it's going to be an indication that "this is going to be the rest of the day" - dealing with thoughts all day long that I don't want to develop accompanied with anxiety.

In the first post of this this thread I actually didn't include the "model" for OCD, so here it is:



More about this model a bit later - it helped me identify things I can or can not control in my mind. There's different versions of this model to be found.

 

[Aves]

A less obvious thing I learned this year that I'd like to share:

After sleeping or napping and waking up inbetween, you might notice that you feel less capable and sometimes even defenseless versus negative thoughts/expectations (stemming from OCD and more). Insomnia, lack of sleep basically always increases mental health symptoms for me...
The thoughts and feelings are more free to develop when our "guard" is down.

It can feel quite bad. - Trying to start a new day, finding new energy just to be instantly greeted by some horrendous thoughts and feelings of anxiety.

I'm not at 100% yet where I can cope with this fully and feel comfortable. It does help to know that my coping and defense versus these psychological processes are simply "out of my control". I suppose it happens to the best of us .

It doesn't need to become a bigger thing - that it's going to be an indication that "this is going to be the rest of the day" - dealing with thoughts all day long that I don't want to develop accompanied with anxiety.

In the first post of this this thread I actually didn't include the "model" for OCD, so here it is:

View attachment 61943

More about this model a bit later - it helped me identify things I can or can not control in my mind. There's different versions of this model to be found.

I’ve seen a model similar to this before, but this is much more detailed which is very helpful. Thank you for sharing.
One thing I’ve started to do recently is attempt to identify the cause of my anxieties which the compulsive actions have manifested from. I’ve been writing down a recurring anxious thought that I have and then I think about why the reason for that might be. I think about my past experiences, my personality, my relationships with others etc, etc and I have found this to be relatively helpful. I mean, it’s taken me nearly 20 years to figure out the following example but it’s better late than never I guess.
E.g.
Worried about the house being cluttered or untidy, convinced that if there is clutter then I will lose control and become a hoarder.

Possible cause: my family homes were always cluttered and disorganised when I was a child and this made me feel distressed and uncomfortable. I get so obsessed now because I don’t like feeling that way and I’m desperately trying to make sure that doesn’t happen again.

I don’t know if this will be helpful to anyone but I thought I would share it anyway. I find that looking for an explanation for my anxieties help me feel less confused about why it’s happening.

 

[Citizen Insane]

Experiencing OCD for a few days in a row recently (last week), but did an exposure exercise after that with a counselor at the housing unit (where I live).

We watched a trailer of an upcoming World War 2 subject movie and talked about the process of "what is actually happening" and applied the model of OCD.

That helped tremendously thankfully - the subject was World War 2 once again and I don't always recognize the actions/thoughts/behaviour linked to OCD - so... It's good to have a reminder from time to time.

Even though it's completely negative to experience anxiety, stress etc. After that's over and resolved I know who I am again and can feel grounded once more.

 

[Citizen Insane]

Back to OCD hell this week... I feel powerless at times & trouble with sleep now too.

I'll try to figure it out once more. For now distraction should work, later exposure exercises again.

 

[fal]

i like it when people make charts and diagrams ab this sort of stuff. makes it easier to feel like something not outlandish is happening

 

[Innocent Forever]

Back to OCD hell this week... I feel powerless at times & trouble with sleep now too.

I'll try to figure it out once more. For now distraction should work, later exposure exercises again.

Hope it's getting easier

 

[Citizen Insane]

Things have been better since September last year thankfully - the symptoms of OCD
have been much more managable.

Socializing with friendly folk offline & online has helped me tremendously. It's like I'm a different person when I'm with them - just fully distracted (positively, mentally) and focused on things happening externally.

If possible I'd like to avoid overstimulation (autism) as much as possible - In the days after such an event OCD tends to gain some ground again.

The effects, thoughts of OCD can really mess things up on the emotional level and it has a major influence on "the belief system" in the mind. Fighting symptoms in the mind directly reminds me of my time of the experienced psychotic disorder. It feels so bad at times.

I've been working towards a foundation / baseline that I can work with to recover. I'll try to write about this a bit later here or in my diary (in the Member's Diary subforum).

 

[Innocent Forever]

Things have been better since September last year thankfully - the symptoms of OCD
have been much more managable.

Socializing with friendly folk offline & online has helped me tremendously. It's like I'm a different person when I'm with them - just fully distracted (positively, mentally) and focused on things happening externally.

If possible I'd like to avoid overstimulation (autism) as much as possible - In the days after such an event OCD tends to gain some ground again.

The effects, thoughts of OCD can really mess things up on the emotional level and it has a major influence on "the belief system" in the mind. Fighting symptoms in the mind directly reminds me of my time of the experienced psychotic disorder. It feels so bad at times.

I've been working towards a foundation / baseline that I can work with to recover. I'll try to write about this a bit later here or in my diary (in the Member's Diary subforum).

You're incredible Kbear

 

[Citizen Insane]

Living with the disorder/symptoms will cause massive confusion and sometimes feeling that I'm quite powerless at times.

"I thought I was doing well, feeling better - why am I having these thoughts again?"

Some affirmations and ideas I'm working with in my day to day life:

- I can exercise, do a workout while experiencing obsessive thinking. Take that, OCD $#@%!

- I do not need to correct any feeling or thought (internally), because I know who I am and will not act out on all the feelings, impulses I experience and thoughts my mind presents to me.

"I had a negative thought, the anxiety was there too, I believe my feelings are telling me the truth, I can feel it. I can also create a positive thought and I get no good feeling in return. Is there something wrong with me and my mind?"

No! Because: What does this anxiety truly prevent me from doing?

- Can't read a book, can't study, can't exercise, can't go out, can't maintain relationships with social network, can't eat healthy while experiencing anxiety?

Versus

- I can take back control, I will take the time to read a book no matter how bad the thoughts get, these things - these are just thoughts I can read every word regardless of it taking 10 minutes to finish a page. In an hour, regaining some focus, from now a page per 10 minutes turn into a page + 1 letter, a page + 2 words of the next page. Sometimes it will take 10 minutes to finish a small chapter. It's okay to take time.

- I know exactly what to expect of my day to day life if I do not exercise, I'm not going to wait for a good feeling to start with my workout. I can give commands to my body and I will be in control.

- I can reach out to family & friends or people on SF regardless of how I am feeling on the inside. They understand me. I like the people in my network. I want to show them appreciation and that I care for them & love them.

 

[LumberJack]

Hey Ken, I was going to post my own thread because I’m now diagnosed with “full” OCD, a change from the earlier result of OCD tendencies. I understand the difference as meaning that there is a certain number of OCD symptoms in the DSM-5, and of a given patient who experiences at least a certain number of those symptoms and is significantly hampered in daily life by the same is diagnosed with OCD, while several symptoms that don’t have a disabling impact would be OCD tendencies.

Well, when I started to open up more in therapy, especially following a legal problem brought on by compulsive behavior that I knew was happening, but unaware of the seriousness and severity of it, that tipped the scales and I am seeking ERP treatment as per the advice of my PTSD therapist.

Which leads me to question what other things am I doing that are potentially harmful to others and/or illegal that I am subconsciously downplaying or denying entirely. I didn’t see any similar signs in this thread, but I have been wondering if compulsively risking a run-in with law enforcement or other folks who carry a weapon as part of their jobs might be something that happens in a portion of OCD patients.

I hope this is not thread “hijacking,” as in making it about me, but if you’d prefer just let me know and I’ll go ahead and make my own. The thing with my behavior is that I want to believe that I don’t have any criminal tendencies. In fact in my clearer headed moments I desire quite the opposite! As a result, I am distressed by my behavior that I feel is out of my control, and potentially injurious or even simply blameworthy.

Any thoughts, similar worries, or advice?

 

[Citizen Insane]

Hey Ken, I was going to post my own thread because I’m now diagnosed with “full” OCD, a change from the earlier result of OCD tendencies. I understand the difference as meaning that there is a certain number of OCD symptoms in the DSM-5, and of a given patient who experiences at least a certain number of those symptoms and is significantly hampered in daily life by the same is diagnosed with OCD, while several symptoms that don’t have a disabling impact would be OCD tendencies.

Well, when I started to open up more in therapy, especially following a legal problem brought on by compulsive behavior that I knew was happening, but unaware of the seriousness and severity of it, that tipped the scales and I am seeking ERP treatment as per the advice of my PTSD therapist.

Which leads me to question what other things am I doing that are potentially harmful to others and/or illegal that I am subconsciously downplaying or denying entirely. I didn’t see any similar signs in this thread, but I have been wondering if compulsively risking a run-in with law enforcement or other folks who carry a weapon as part of their jobs might be something that happens in a portion of OCD patients.

I hope this is not thread “hijacking,” as in making it about me, but if you’d prefer just let me know and I’ll go ahead and make my own. The thing with my behavior is that I want to believe that I don’t have any criminal tendencies. In fact in my clearer headed moments I desire quite the opposite! As a result, I am distressed by my behavior that I feel is out of my control, and potentially injurious or even simply blameworthy.

Any thoughts, similar worries, or advice?

Heya @LumberJack !

No worries at all about hijacking thread =) ! I'm glad you found this thread. I saw that many others did too, perhaps by searching for "OCD Exposure Therapy" in google or something, because it has more than 3000 views total.

I'll get back to you on the subject of your particular OCD experiences - At this time of writing I don't have the answers ready as I've had a different OCD experience so to speak. It's good to seek the treatment your therapist is recommending you to do.

I hope other SF members may chime in here. You may of course post about your developments and thoughts here any time! =)

 

[LumberJack]

Hey Ken, thanks for your reply!

FWIW, I do have scrupulosity, and just about every other category of intrusive thoughts. I filled out a couple intake forms as I try to find an ERP practitioner. One of them was a sort of checklist that has many categories of intrusive thoughts and the patient is to check the ones that apply to their condition. I think it was about 10-12 items and I only left 4 unchecked- leading to new anxiety over whether my problem is more severe than I thought!

So maybe my concern about my unconsciously doing things I would find morally wrong if only I knew about them, is merely an intrusive thought that now seems entirely “real” due to the traffic tickets.

I had a couple thoughts after reading your above post. I have been informed by an addiction counselor that people with both PTSD and substance use disorder are prone to what he calls “intensity seeking.” I meet both criteria, and I can’t say it’s not intensity seeking.

The other thing I learned in addiction treatment is about compartmentalization. This becomes unhealthy when it contains addictive or other harmful habits, because it enables (me, for example) to be in denial about the problem and its severity.

I can say that my speeding has been entirely stopped since the second ticket. It’s not easy, and so I will simply not drive unless I feel that I have capacity to resist the urge to gun it on a public road. I have noticed that I get a kind of pride when I’m driving safely. It has to do with having a powerful engine but maintaining control over the thing’s need to go fast. The “thing” in question being the union of human and machine. It seems to be a very different beast from either two alone.

 

[LumberJack]

I’m reading a book called, “When a Family Member has OCD” on the suggestion of my therapist. I am in the chapter where it describes the different ways in which obsessions manifest. The first few categories such as contamination, symmetry/orderliness, and checking didn't apply to me. Just as I'm about to start doubting that I might "really" have OCD - the next categories of relationship, harm, sexual, and moral obsessions practically knocked the wind out of me.

It was like someone else wrote all of my deepest, darkest, most hidden secrets in the middle of a book from 10 goddam years ago! Some of the lines were almost verbatim about stuff that I had brought up in therapy because it was bothering me so much that I couldn't "adult" in the shadow of that much anxiety. Further, now that I can see these things as distorted patterns of thought, I'm even more uncomfortable when they come up. It would be easier if they weren't "up" for about 95% of my waking moments.

It's a little jarring. It's not unlike living in a world where everything I see is like a reflection in a funhouse mirror, and then realizing that these images are distorted. Things that I thought were curved are actually straight, and vise-versa. But it's not like I have a better "view" into the world outside my skull yet, so I have to be patient while I'm building up better skills.

 

[LumberJack]

Really struggling today. Yesterday I really tried to do some exposure but I failed. I tucked my tail and retreated like a frightened dog. The fear feels insurmountable! It’s like the thing I need to do is locked behind a door that I locked in the first place, but now the lock has changed such that the original key doesn’t work.

 

[LumberJack]

Been pressing forward with exposures to smaller steps toward facing the paralyzing fears. My stomach keeps going into hyper speed. I guess it’s a cleanse or detox of sorts, but there are muscles that push things along and they are sore. Sore muscles in the intestines is a kind of pain that I would not be able to believe until it was my pain. I work out enough that I’m okay with muscle soreness from over exertion. But to have that very specific type of sensation deep in my guts is… new.

 

[seabird]

hope other SF members may chime in here. You may of course post about your developments and thoughts here any time! =)

I have been doing my homework on this. I'm getting myself into vehicles once a week or so, despite an intense relauctance. The therapist suggested I use the tapping technique and the 5 senses grounding exercise. They help a little (very little). The wreck, which happened back around the end of last year, destroyed my already faltering tolerance of riding in vehicles. The car I was passenger in was traveling about 45 mph and was struck on my side by another car coming at us from the right. I wasn't hurt thanks to airbags, but the impact scared me badly and set off whatever this is. So now, I'm a work in progress and the problem might never go entirely away.