Overwhelming hellish anxiety

[SomeGuy77]

Sorry that I haven't posted anything on this forum for years. I was having a lot of trouble in life. This is a big rant so feel free not to read the long paragraphs. Would love some advice on the question below this sentence though.

I want to question people who are or have dealt with anxiety attacks, trouble breathing, and feeling suicidal because of the immense pain; how did you or do you deal with it? How long does it take for it to go away, if ever?

I started getting occasional light anxiety attacks some years ago. But at the start of this year I had an argument with my only and last friend, and shortly after she decided to have a baby with her BF, and stopped playing with me like we used to before. A week after that I started to feel like I'm suffocating or trouble breathing when I was about to sleep, but then it got that way during the day too, the entire day I had trouble breathing. I looked into ways to suicide, but held myself off and sought help from medical professionals. They did some blood tests and determined that there's nothing physically wrong with me. Even though I still have trouble swallowing food and liquids, specially when lying down, dry food even gets stuck in my throat sometimes. In any case I have been taking pills for depression ever since, and seeing a therapist.

A couple of weeks ago a distant relative of mine who is suffering from some kind of mental illness said something really hurtful, almost like a life threat, which I believe was the reason I got worse again.

A few days ago, my friend, the same one I had an argument with before, asked me to play online video games with her, and I did. She does so once or twice a month. We've known each other through that video game for six years, online, never met, and have been playing with each other ever since. In any case she knows how badly I am doing and all, and whenever we play she usually asks "how are you?", and I always lie "I am ok". She does not ask any follow up questions after.

I had a thyriod gland scan a few weeks ago and I told her about it. I expected her to ask me how it went as I have always asked her about her tests and stuff whenever she was ill, but she never did. A few days ago she asked me to play, during the gaming I said "I actually feel really horrible right now so let's play something chill". She answered only "OK", no follow ups. That made me feel very bad, as I have always been supportive of her whenever she needed it or when she was ill. She was even suicidal for a while some years ago and I helped her whenever I could, messaged and asks how she is.

But she was also supportive when this first started in January this year. She did message me several times to make sure I'm ok. But since a few months ago she started being distant and apathetic. To me it felt like she's trying to tell me that she wants to move on because she will have to concentrate on her baby soon, since she will give birth in about two months.

Anyway the day after that day she asked me to play again, and I said sure, but this time she didn't ask "how are you" or anything. Which got me really hurt, and I immediately started feeling like suffocating again, like when it started in January. After an hour I finally told her agian "sorry but I feel really horrible again today", she again said only "OK", and played on. This time I asked "my friend, I tell you that I'm feeling horrible and you just say OK? ;(" She then said "I don't know if there's something physically wrong with you or mentally, that's why I don't ask follow-up questions".

Then I told her "I think I finally found out why this started, from our argument in January, and that today when you didn't ask me how I am, I felt like suffocating again". She said "that shouldn't be a reason to do so". I said "well I am not blaming you for this, but I am just being honest about the reason I started feeling this way today". We went back and forth on this. I just wanted to hear her say "sorry I forgot to say how you are doing today", which would immediatley reassure me and I would not feel that horrible feeling anymore. But instead she said something really hurtful about me trying to blame her and that she "will not let this pass". Once agian I said I'm only stating the reason and not blaming her, she once again said "OK" and left. That left me in hellish agony thoughout the rest of the night. The day after I messaged her and apologized, she said "she knows I didn't mean the words that I said and hopes that one day I can be free of the anxiety", with some nice words afterwards. But haven't messaged back since, and I have been in agony every day now since then.

I don't know what to make of this, whether it was my fault or hers. I don't know how to continue the friendship, as I will never trust her again. I'm not sure she will message me again either. I told myself that "she's just different" and many other things, but I think the only way to feel better is to forgive her, whether it was her fault or mine. I think ever since my best friend committed suicide some three years ago it has left me fragile and scared of the lives of my family members and friends, and our relationships.

Anyway I am sorry for the long rant. This was my story, how a friendship can be so painful sometimes. And the one who you trust and love the most in the world can hurt you the most, intentionally or unintentionally.

 

[seabird]

I read your post in its entirety. I can empathize, mainly because it reminds me of my (we're separated) husband's behaviour and words. As for conquering anxiety and panic, what works more or less for me is first of all: eating healthfully and not over-eating, two: get some exercise - every day if possible, three: find at least a couple of things you can enjoyably immerse yourself in which have nothing to do with the person.

I wouldn't say it's gone away, but I've been able to bring it down a lot. It is taking a lot of work, perhaps I'm slower at it than most, but so far, about two years of fighting it. I think I'll be continuing to work on it for many years if not the rest of my life.
Thre are lots of places online where you can find out about panic and anxiety, so I'm encouraging you to do that if you can manage.

 

[may71]

Sorry that I haven't posted anything on this forum for years.

It's ok. It's ok to post on SF only when you want to.

Anyway I am sorry for the long rant.

Nothing to be sorry about. This is what SF is for.

I think ever since my best friend committed suicide some three years ago it has left me fragile and scared of the lives of my family members and friends, and our relationships

I'm sorry you lost your best friend. It's understandable that it would leave you feeling that way.

Is this the friend who was being abused by her boyfriend?

In any case I have been taking pills for depression ever since, and seeing a therapist.

How has medication and therapy gone? It obviously hasn't made everything better, but I'm wondering how you'd evaluate the benefit of these treatments.

I want to question people who are or have dealt with anxiety attacks, trouble breathing, and feeling suicidal because of the immense pain; how did you or do you deal with it? How long does it take for it to go away, if ever?

I've had social anxiety. It's much better now. A simple trick along with some dietary changes were very helpful for me.

Your anxiety seems not totally unrelated but different, more about how you feel after social interactions rather than when you are in them.

Even though I still have trouble swallowing food and liquids, specially when lying down, dry food even gets stuck in my throat sometimes.

I wonder if this could be a condition which in traditional Chinese medicine is called "plum pit qi". I could say more about traditional Chinese medicine if you're interested.

A meditation practice would probably be helpful for you. There are two websites, "insight timer" and "headspace" that have guided meditations. There's also a bunch of other meditation practices. A simple meditation practice is just to sit in a chair with your back straight and to breath in and out through your nose with your eyes closed (eyes open if you find yourself falling asleep). Deep breaths, but not forcing anything. Just focusing on the breath.

These are some books about anxiety from the reading-well.org.uk book list:

Overcoming Anxiety, 2nd Edition: A self-help guide using cognitive behavioural techniques
Helen Kennerley

Overcoming Worry and Generalised Anxiety Disorder, 2nd Edition: A self-help guide using cognitive behavioural techniques
Mark Freeston, Kevin Meares

An Introduction to Coping with Anxiety, 2nd Edition
Brenda Hogan, Leonora Brosan

I haven't read any of these, but all the books on the reading-well list have been vetted by at least one healthcare professional. There may be other books that you'd like just as much or even better.

I think the only way to feel better is to forgive her, whether it was her fault or mine.

I agree.

There are a lot of people who can only handle relating to other people on a superficial level, and it sounds like she's one of them. It's not necessarily bad to have friends like that, but it can be a big problem if you don't realize that relating on a superficial level is all that they want or are capable of.

 

[SomeGuy77]

I read your post in its entirety. I can empathize, mainly because it reminds me of my (we're separated) husband's behaviour and words. As for conquering anxiety and panic, what works more or less for me is first of all: eating healthfully and not over-eating, two: get some exercise - every day if possible, three: find at least a couple of things you can enjoyably immerse yourself in which have nothing to do with the person.

I wouldn't say it's gone away, but I've been able to bring it down a lot. It is taking a lot of work, perhaps I'm slower at it than most, but so far, about two years of fighting it. I think I'll be continuing to work on it for many years if not the rest of my life.
Thre are lots of places online where you can find out about panic and anxiety, so I'm encouraging you to do that if you can manage.

Thank you so much for the reply, and for reading my long rant. And thank you for the advice, I'll definitely look into the three-step solution that you suggested.

 

[SomeGuy77]

Is this the friend who was being abused by her boyfriend?

Yes the very same. She complained about her BF smoking weed and playing video games every day for years, but last year she started doing the same. While also planning on having a baby. I did advice her not to try to have a baby until she's free of the drugs and nicotine, but ig she didn't listen, I just hope the baby is fine and healthy.

How has medication and therapy gone? It obviously hasn't made everything better, but I'm wondering how you'd evaluate the benefit of these treatments. I wonder if this could be a condition which in traditional Chinese medicine is called "plum pit qi". I could say more about traditional Chinese medicine if you're interested.

Very little effect. The lump in the throat, or the feeling of it has gotten bigger, and I'm as fragile as ever. The slightest argument can apparently set off my anxiety panic. I did mention the lump thing to my doctor but they don't seem to listen. I'll definitely read about the "plum pit qi" thing.

I've had social anxiety. It's much better now. A simple trick along with some dietary changes were very helpful for me. Your anxiety seems not totally unrelated but different, more about how you feel after social interactions rather than when you are in them.

I have a strong social anxiety too, both during the interactions and afterwards. I've always tried to stay away from people because of it.

There are a lot of people who can only handle relating to other people on a superficial level, and it sounds like she's one of them. It's not necessarily bad to have friends like that, but it can be a big problem if you don't realize that relating on a superficial level is all that they want or are capable of.

I think you're right, but interestingly they don't seem to mind the deeper connection when they are the ones who have a problem that needs solving. She didn't message back after thats he accepted my apology. For days after that incident I felt absolutely horrible, until I decided to forgive her, telling myself "she doesn't know what she's doing". Although it feels like an imprisonment, my mental health is dependent on her responses and behavior towards me. I am dead scared of how she will act in the future, if she will tell me something mean. I wouldn't mind if she doesn't want to message me anymore, but I couldn't take anything hurtful if she said it.


Thank you so much for the reply may71. I really appreciate your insights, advice and empathy. And thanks for the book and meditation recommendations, I will definitely give it a try.

 

[SomeGuy77]

So I started feeling much better when I put the blame on myself for putting her in that situation that brought the bad in her. She messaged me the day after and we played games again, but I was so scared she might do or so anything that would cause me to feel like that again. For example before the game I replied that I would love to play, but she didn't reply for 15 minutes, and that instantly caused me to relive the horrible anxiety panic.

I think this feeling is only caused with my interactions with her. I wouldn't mind not talking to her for long periods, but in good terms. But when she's mad at me or something I feel horrible.

How can one person hold so much power over you? Was anyone else here ever in such a situation? How can one deal with such problem?

Thank you in advance for any advice.

 

[may71]

How can one person hold so much power over you?

If she's the only friend you have, that's probably the reason or part of the reason why.

How can one deal with such problem?

It may be easier said than done, but if you develop more relationships, your relationship to her will probably become less important.

 

[Lara_C]

I'm sorry you're feeling so horrible and vulnerable @SomeGuy77 , feeling you're at the mercy of another person , your friend, for your wellbeing. It's definitely a very undesirable way to feel. I think the only real and permanent solution is to find and build your own strength and power over your life. I believe we've all got it in us to change the way we think and feel about ourselves for the better but we have to let go of dysfunctional thoughts and feelings mainly about ourselves before things can change for the better.

Other people will come along to offer you support and suggestions but the main thing is that on here you are seen, you are emphathsized with and we are all walking this journey to wholeness together. You are safe

 

[Gard]

We've known each other through that video game for six years, online, never met

There are two main mistakes in relationships: destroying living relationships and clinging to dead ones. And there’s one more mistake: thinking something is a relationship when it isn’t.
You haven’t even met once. What are you worrying about? Your own fantasy?

 

[Lara_C]

I don't know what to make of this, whether it was my fault or hers. I don't know how to continue the friendship, as I will never trust her again. I'm not sure she will message me again either. I told myself that "she's just different" and many other things, but I think the only way to feel better is to forgive her, whether it was her fault or mine.

It looks like you friend felt you were making her responsible for how terrible you felt when she felt she hadnt done anything to cause such a strong reaction. She probably has her own issues and problems and can't always give her full attention to your troubles. Perhaps that time she just wanted to relax and play the game?

I think ever since my best friend committed suicide some three years ago it has left me fragile and scared of the lives of my family members and friends, and our relationships.

You are afraid of losing people and this could be affecting how you feel and relate to others more than you realize. You are grieving and 3 years isn't very long to process such a painful, traumatic loss. Have you had any grief counselling?

 

[SomeGuy77]

If she's the only friend you have, that's probably the reason or part of the reason why.


It may be easier said than done, but if you develop more relationships, your relationship to her will probably become less important.

Yes she is or was the only one I trusted and loved as a friend.

I thought I was in control of my own emotions, but apparently the body or mind has a mind of its own, it controls you.

 

[SomeGuy77]

It looks like you friend felt you were making her responsible for how terrible you felt when she felt she hadnt done anything to cause such a strong reaction. She probably has her own issues and problems and can't always give her full attention to your troubles. Perhaps that time she just wanted to relax and play the game?
You are afraid of losing people and this could be affecting how you feel and relate to others more than you realize. You are grieving and 3 years isn't very long to process such a painful, traumatic loss. Have you had any grief counselling?

Yes well that wasn't a one time thing, she has been more and more apathetic and cold, that day I was already in great pain and the indifference she showed when I said I feel horrible made me lose it and feel like suffocating for hours and days afterwards. She didn't know she's hurting me, so not really her fault, but the trust I had with her broke that day.

The thing about my former best friend who committed suicide is that we weren't friends anymore, we hadn't talked in 3 years prior to his suicide. We only chatted briefly a few days before his suicide, as he messaged me to say goodbye without saying anything about what he plans to do. I think a part of me blames myself for not being there to prevent him from doing that.

 

[SomeGuy77]

There are two main mistakes in relationships: destroying living relationships and clinging to dead ones. And there’s one more mistake: thinking something is a relationship when it isn’t.
You haven’t even met once. What are you worrying about? Your own fantasy?

You're right of course. I didn't mean that we had a romantic relationship, I always saw her as a friend, even a daughter, as she is 17 years younger than me. But I felt strongly for her as a protector and close friend. I guess maybe I had an image of her in my mind that didn't exist, and she tried to tell me with her actions sometimes but I didn't listen.