I really can't take it anymore, it hurts
*Note* my English is very bad*
* won't harm myself, because I don't have the guts to , moderator's please don't delete this , this message is my only cry for help,i just want advice and tell me what's happening, please don't this only hope pleasem
Last night my mother told me to buy some stuff,but had an argument with my older brother who is 5 years older than me , I said to him something like why can't you help too?, he then got angry and tried to attack my mother and choke her and pull her hair and kicked her in the face . While trying to protect her from him he then Focused on me and punched and kicked me trying like kill me almost , i couldn't do anything I am very short, somehow i try to escape but he kept trying to attack me so i hid myself in my room, I was shivering and shocked my mind was very terrible, and also the reason he tried to attack me and my mother was because of a mere request to go to an nearby bank or ATM to get cash because of something urgent tomorrow. I was terrified I went to check on my mother who was thankfully ok but my brother was sleeping, this was not his first time trying attack my mother. My mother has a heart condition and very obese (not shaming). So she can't practice even defend herself and he knows it.
It's been 3 years since he has been violent to my mother and this was the last straw I couldn't just take it anymore I tried to call the police and said to my mother, when i was trying to call she grabbed my phone and didn't allow me to call the authorities. Because she was scared my brother would go to "jail" (he's an adult),and i really was having mixed emotions i tried to explain her the more this goes on without telling anyone the worse it's going to get, and even if my brother had a mental illness we could help him, and she brushed everything off as nothing and went back to her daily chores like nothing happened, i really really tried to hold it together but when she said that I just wanted to die , i really wanted to die , i try to call the police but she won't, and she says he will be alright??he just tried to kill her and not even the first time. She says he is possessed by the devil and needs an exorcist, which we have been visiting the "exorcist" and if course there's no change but she blindly believes he will be "fixed"(my brother).
At this point i was just sick of it ,when something like this happened i always thought "oh" this is going to be alright,like brush it off as nothing, but this time it was different i was already extremely stressed with other things like my studies. I am in the most important year in my life where this exam will probably decided my future, and not to mention the fact i didn't go to school for 3 something years, i went to school only to 5th grade after that because of the COVID stuff i just stayed in my home, my mother said i shouldn't study school only after my religious studies was finished(i am muslim) but obviously this didn't end well and 2 years ago i joined straight to 8th grade and i don't know anything because I didn't go to school previously, and now i have to catch up and write the most important exam, in my life, so i just took a sharp and tried to kill myself in my room, but just ended with some paper cuts ,and i unconsciously also peed myself all over because of what just happened.i also have a younger sister who is also really young.
And i don't have a father, well I do have one but we kicked him out of our house because he kept beating my mother.
And after that today i tried to tell my mother we should contact authorities to keep my brother out of this house and also get the help he needs, but she just doesn't reply to me ,ignores me as if nothing happened or I am not talking to her . And when my brother woke up this morning I was really emotional and just told him how could he do the same thing out father did to his own mother , and he wasn't even replying to me just playing games on his phone with a blank expression, he said because mother was making him "angry and pissing him off" and I looked at my mother and she wasn't even saying anything,and when he saw my self harm injury he laughed and told me i am the crazy one , again my mother didn't say anything, it was all bizzare I am starting to question myself if I am the crazy one and all this is normal.
After a while I told my mother I was going to k*ll myself if she isn't going to call the police or get help because all of this is seriously getting out of hand , then she said then k*ll myself , she said if that's what God wishes ,i asked her if me k*lling myself was better than letting my brother do what he wants to do to her, and she said I am the crazy one I am "abnormal" . After that i said do you want all of us to die in this house and she said yes, it's better for all of us in this house to die.she said stuff like this when my father abused her , like asking me when I was really young if we should die together.
My brother just stays in the house all day looking at his mobile phone and sleep , and try to hit her , repeat. My father only occasionally sends us money,and so little to even live like a normal person, and when Last night my brother attacked me and my mother, my glasses fell off, and it's broken, and my mother said she doesn't have money to fix it.school opens next week.he doesn't even help with anything, I have to buy the groceries, do that and this while simeoultaniously trying to study, because of him and my mother arguing every night,late i haven't even slept like a normal person,
I can't handle all this anymore, my head hurts and I feel like I have a fever,my chest hurts, my eyes feel like it's going to pop out, and everyone says I am the crazy one and act everything is normal, I just want to cry while hugging any adult that is actually sane in my life,but I don't have anyone like that ,not even my mother, I feel like this is a never-ending cycle of violence. If you my mother everything is ok why don't she just let my die? I don't want to suffer, I have tried to do everything I can , if she still doesn't want to get help , what can I do?why me? Why is everything happening like this to me, why does everyone else have normal families and life ? I prayed and begged to God to help me why doesn't he help me? I want to kill myself,but I can't. Am i the problem, should I have not been born at all?am i the insane one to care about my mother while my brother tries to harass her every? Not to mention my sister has OCD, and she also has serious issues, i can't take it anymore, i am not an adult, i have my limits as a human,in the past when I had mental breakdowns infront of my brother and my mother they just laugh it off and my mother say hell is worse than this , like so what is she saying everything happening is normal and nothing should be done? Am I seeking attention? Are every families like this and am I the one gaslighting myself to believe all this is not ok? If any adult is reading this , please tell me am I the problem? I can't process what is happening, I can only hold all this together while writing this , I don't know when I am going to have a break down that will seriously be something terrible.
I feel alone, I feel helpless, i just want to crawl into a tiny box and sit in like a rat and hide, I don't even have the courage to kill myself so I don't think that's going to happen. I have dreams too I just want a normal family and follow my dreams to become I want to be , I am not even asking much , did i really do something so terrible God is making me suffer this much, i really want to let everything out , all these emotions is like a bubble, I don't even know if anyone is reading this but i genuinely feel this is the tipping point, i just want to be heard acknowledged and have a normal life, in know i am young i want to do so many things in life but it seems like God is mocking me, I am sorry I am really sorry i really apologize,i think I should not have been born, i have anxiety attacks when I am sleeping or studying and if my brother is attacking my mother, I don't know what to do, I have had heartburns and migraines including chest pain, in my country mental illness and domestic violence is not taken seriously, I love my brother but he's a danger to himself and to me and my family. I really can't hold everything together, I beg you any advice is accepted
*Note* my English is very bad*
* won't harm myself, because I don't have the guts to , moderator's please don't delete this , this message is my only cry for help,i just want advice and tell me what's happening, please don't this only hope pleasem
Last night my mother told me to buy some stuff,but had an argument with my older brother who is 5 years older than me , I said to him something like why can't you help too?, he then got angry and tried to attack my mother and choke her and pull her hair and kicked her in the face . While trying to protect her from him he then Focused on me and punched and kicked me trying like kill me almost , i couldn't do anything I am very short, somehow i try to escape but he kept trying to attack me so i hid myself in my room, I was shivering and shocked my mind was very terrible, and also the reason he tried to attack me and my mother was because of a mere request to go to an nearby bank or ATM to get cash because of something urgent tomorrow. I was terrified I went to check on my mother who was thankfully ok but my brother was sleeping, this was not his first time trying attack my mother. My mother has a heart condition and very obese (not shaming). So she can't practice even defend herself and he knows it.
It's been 3 years since he has been violent to my mother and this was the last straw I couldn't just take it anymore I tried to call the police and said to my mother, when i was trying to call she grabbed my phone and didn't allow me to call the authorities. Because she was scared my brother would go to "jail" (he's an adult),and i really was having mixed emotions i tried to explain her the more this goes on without telling anyone the worse it's going to get, and even if my brother had a mental illness we could help him, and she brushed everything off as nothing and went back to her daily chores like nothing happened, i really really tried to hold it together but when she said that I just wanted to die , i really wanted to die , i try to call the police but she won't, and she says he will be alright??he just tried to kill her and not even the first time. She says he is possessed by the devil and needs an exorcist, which we have been visiting the "exorcist" and if course there's no change but she blindly believes he will be "fixed"(my brother).
At this point i was just sick of it ,when something like this happened i always thought "oh" this is going to be alright,like brush it off as nothing, but this time it was different i was already extremely stressed with other things like my studies. I am in the most important year in my life where this exam will probably decided my future, and not to mention the fact i didn't go to school for 3 something years, i went to school only to 5th grade after that because of the COVID stuff i just stayed in my home, my mother said i shouldn't study school only after my religious studies was finished(i am muslim) but obviously this didn't end well and 2 years ago i joined straight to 8th grade and i don't know anything because I didn't go to school previously, and now i have to catch up and write the most important exam, in my life, so i just took a sharp and tried to kill myself in my room, but just ended with some paper cuts ,and i unconsciously also peed myself all over because of what just happened.i also have a younger sister who is also really young.
And i don't have a father, well I do have one but we kicked him out of our house because he kept beating my mother.
And after that today i tried to tell my mother we should contact authorities to keep my brother out of this house and also get the help he needs, but she just doesn't reply to me ,ignores me as if nothing happened or I am not talking to her . And when my brother woke up this morning I was really emotional and just told him how could he do the same thing out father did to his own mother , and he wasn't even replying to me just playing games on his phone with a blank expression, he said because mother was making him "angry and pissing him off" and I looked at my mother and she wasn't even saying anything,and when he saw my self harm injury he laughed and told me i am the crazy one , again my mother didn't say anything, it was all bizzare I am starting to question myself if I am the crazy one and all this is normal.
After a while I told my mother I was going to k*ll myself if she isn't going to call the police or get help because all of this is seriously getting out of hand , then she said then k*ll myself , she said if that's what God wishes ,i asked her if me k*lling myself was better than letting my brother do what he wants to do to her, and she said I am the crazy one I am "abnormal" . After that i said do you want all of us to die in this house and she said yes, it's better for all of us in this house to die.she said stuff like this when my father abused her , like asking me when I was really young if we should die together.
My brother just stays in the house all day looking at his mobile phone and sleep , and try to hit her , repeat. My father only occasionally sends us money,and so little to even live like a normal person, and when Last night my brother attacked me and my mother, my glasses fell off, and it's broken, and my mother said she doesn't have money to fix it.school opens next week.he doesn't even help with anything, I have to buy the groceries, do that and this while simeoultaniously trying to study, because of him and my mother arguing every night,late i haven't even slept like a normal person,
I can't handle all this anymore, my head hurts and I feel like I have a fever,my chest hurts, my eyes feel like it's going to pop out, and everyone says I am the crazy one and act everything is normal, I just want to cry while hugging any adult that is actually sane in my life,but I don't have anyone like that ,not even my mother, I feel like this is a never-ending cycle of violence. If you my mother everything is ok why don't she just let my die? I don't want to suffer, I have tried to do everything I can , if she still doesn't want to get help , what can I do?why me? Why is everything happening like this to me, why does everyone else have normal families and life ? I prayed and begged to God to help me why doesn't he help me? I want to kill myself,but I can't. Am i the problem, should I have not been born at all?am i the insane one to care about my mother while my brother tries to harass her every? Not to mention my sister has OCD, and she also has serious issues, i can't take it anymore, i am not an adult, i have my limits as a human,in the past when I had mental breakdowns infront of my brother and my mother they just laugh it off and my mother say hell is worse than this , like so what is she saying everything happening is normal and nothing should be done? Am I seeking attention? Are every families like this and am I the one gaslighting myself to believe all this is not ok? If any adult is reading this , please tell me am I the problem? I can't process what is happening, I can only hold all this together while writing this , I don't know when I am going to have a break down that will seriously be something terrible.
I feel alone, I feel helpless, i just want to crawl into a tiny box and sit in like a rat and hide, I don't even have the courage to kill myself so I don't think that's going to happen. I have dreams too I just want a normal family and follow my dreams to become I want to be , I am not even asking much , did i really do something so terrible God is making me suffer this much, i really want to let everything out , all these emotions is like a bubble, I don't even know if anyone is reading this but i genuinely feel this is the tipping point, i just want to be heard acknowledged and have a normal life, in know i am young i want to do so many things in life but it seems like God is mocking me, I am sorry I am really sorry i really apologize,i think I should not have been born, i have anxiety attacks when I am sleeping or studying and if my brother is attacking my mother, I don't know what to do, I have had heartburns and migraines including chest pain, in my country mental illness and domestic violence is not taken seriously, I love my brother but he's a danger to himself and to me and my family. I really can't hold everything together, I beg you any advice is accepted
