please talk with me

[dying_inside]

You do not know me, and perhaps I am intruding, but I have read through the thread and I would like to say how much I admire you both. I am glad you are both still here and I would like to get to know you. You have helped me more than you know. Thank you.

Im so happy that you followed the thread and it helped you. you are more than welcomed to talk about whatever you feel like, responding or asking questions. id love to hug you. welcome in the family.

how are you today?
hugs

 

[dying_inside]

I'm more than sorry that I scared you. I was acting impulsively yesterday, my emotions running away with themselves. I know what you mean about staying in your bubble. I tend to do this also, mainly because I am frightened of saying the wrong things.
I had what I call a " coma sleep " last night. I think this was through to exhaustion. I hope that you slept well too, and that your day isn't filled with too much turmoil. 🤗

Good morning Paul, how are you today?
yes im staying in my bubble for the same exact reason.
i slept well too and i wish you a better day than yesterday.
takecare

 

[dying_inside]

How is everybody today?

im going to work through some deep stuff. i hope i'll sort things out.

have a good day everyone

 

[dying_inside]

@dying_inside

I hope you always find it in yourself and with us to keep returning where you know people care and will be here for you.

Thank you, you are very kind. i had some reservations to come back here as when i feel too low i cant control myself and what i say, but i feel pretty much in control now so im more confident i'll respect the rules and wont say anything wrong.

people are loving here and i love everyone and i wish i could help more than i do, maybe one day i'll gather some courage and be of some help too.

Love

 

[Paul1963]

Good morning Paul, how are you today?
yes im staying in my bubble for the same exact reason.
i slept well too and i wish you a better day than yesterday.
takecare

I'm glad that you slept well. 🤗

 

[Paul1963]

How is everybody today?

im going to work through some deep stuff. i hope i'll sort things out.

have a good day everyone

I hope you manage to find a way through it. I hope it all goes well.
Lots of love to you, and have a good day.

 

[dying_inside]

i went to the mental health center following me. i told them im done with meds, psych and psychiatrist.
i'll go just one last time to say goodbye to psychiatrist next week.

i think i got to sort things trough started in the thread: https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/conflict.176410/

i'll post it there. it might be triggering, please be careful.

 

[dying_inside]

i thought solving the conflict would help and instead i feel like im going insane today.

yes, im completing tasks, but its really hard.

now i cant stop thinking about saying goodbye to psychiatrist, autism T and T...

then maybe i'll have some peace or i'll be completely alone.

you know... i'll have to quit this forum too...

 

[dying_inside]

now i do feel like doing it.
i wont, but i feel it.
now i remember.
i almost feel like i cannot breathe.
i dont know what to do

 

[dying_inside]

I cant stop crying today...

 

[Windhover]

Stopping by and saw your recent post @dying_inside

 

[dying_inside]

Thank you Seabird,

yesterday was very bad. today it seems to be better for now.

 

[Paul1963]

i thought solving the conflict would help and instead i feel like im going insane today.

yes, im completing tasks, but its really hard.

now i cant stop thinking about saying goodbye to psychiatrist, autism T and T...

then maybe i'll have some peace or i'll be completely alone.

you know... i'll have to quit this forum too...

I will miss you more than you can possibly imagine. But ultimately you have to do what is best for yourself. Big hugs.

 

[Paul1963]

I cant stop crying today...

I had not seen any of this thread. I am so sorry I did not reply sooner. The mere thought of you crying breaks my heart.😥

 

[Paul1963]

now i do feel like doing it.
i wont, but i feel it.
now i remember.
i almost feel like i cannot breathe.
i dont know what to do

What do you remember ?
I'm worried for you. 😟

 

[dying_inside]

Thank you Paul,

these last days i thought i wanted to kill myself only to avoid something in the future, but yesterday i remembered i also want to end something in the present which is how tormented my mental life is.

i hope today it doesnt happen again

 

[Paul1963]

Thank you Paul,

these last days i thought i wanted to kill myself only to avoid something in the future, but yesterday i remembered i also want to end something in the present which is how tormented my mental life is.

i hope today it doesnt happen again

Are you talking about ending your life:
( ending it in the present ) or about a certain life situation that needs resolving in the present ?

If it is about a present life situation then I hope that you resolve it soon. You are carrying too much pain as it is.

Is this thing in the future really so bad ?
I don't know what it is, and I will not intrude on your privacy. I wish that you could find a way forward. You deserve to be free of all this mental garbage. I would give anything to help you. I really would. But I know how difficult these things can be.
Knowing you are in such torment is harrowing. I don't know what else to say.
I wish you a good day today, and hope that life is kind to you for a change.
Love and hugs.

 

[dying_inside]

I was thinking about certain life situation in the immediate and remote future. they cannot be solved. its life. like the death of my parents. if i lose them i'll have nobody else. id love to avoid that. and so on.

right now my mind is torn about quitting therapy with everybody. or should i give them another chance?

on the other side i really hate being alive. i really really hate it.

Thank you for talking with me,
Love and hugs

 

[Paul1963]

I was thinking about certain life situation in the immediate and remote future. they cannot be solved. its life. like the death of my parents. if i lose them i'll have nobody else. id love to avoid that. and so on.

right now my mind is torn about quitting therapy with everybody. or should i give them another chance?

on the other side i really hate being alive. i really really hate it.

Thank you for talking with me,
Love and hugs

I completely understand your dilemma about your parents: I used to constantly worry about the future, about losing my loved ones.
My parents were evil, but my grandparents were wonderful people. I always use to regard them as my true parents. My love for them was overwhelmingly powerful.
When I was younger, I would sometimes lie awake at night and think of them with great affection. But then I would often start to become very anxious and tearful because they were old, and I knew that one day I would inevitably lose them. The feeling was of indescribable sorrow.
I lost them both a long time ago. The pain of losing them broke my heart, more than words could ever say.
But I somehow survived. The initial pain of losing them gradually faded, yet I still love, and miss them deeply.

As regards therapy, even if therapy isn't really working, then maybe it could be a good thing to just carry on with it ?
At least you will have someone to talk to and vent. What do you have to lose ?
You could even have a breakthrough in therapy.
Also I hate being alive, and have done so for a very long time now. I find no joy in anything . I have no future. I have nobody. I am completely alone. I'm tired of waking up, wishing I had died in my sleep .
But I am still here, and I cannot control the future. I just live for today, taking each moment as it comes. For who knows how long any of us are going to be here ? We could be taken by a natural death at any given moment.

Is there really any point in worrying about anything when we are all going to die anyway ? It all seems like a pointless waste of energy.

I'm rambling on a bit so I'm going to go now. I hope you manage to stop the war in your head soon as regards therapy etc.
Lots of love. 🤗

 

[dying_inside]

I completely understand your dilemma about your parents: I used to constantly worry about the future, about losing my loved ones.
My parents were evil, but my grandparents were wonderful people. I always use to regard them as my true parents. My love for them was overwhelmingly powerful.
When I was younger, I would sometimes lie awake at night and think of them with great affection. But then I would often start to become very anxious and tearful because they were old, and I knew that one day I would inevitably lose them. The feeling was of indescribable sorrow.
I lost them both a long time ago. The pain of losing them broke my heart, more than words could ever say.
But I somehow survived. The initial pain of losing them gradually faded, yet I still love, and miss them deeply.

As regards therapy, even if therapy isn't really working, then maybe it could be a good thing to just carry on with it ?
At least you will have someone to talk to and vent. What do you have to lose ?
You could even have a breakthrough in therapy.
Also I hate being alive, and have done so for a very long time now. I find no joy in anything . I have no future. I have nobody. I am completely alone. I'm tired of waking up, wishing I had died in my sleep .
But I am still here, and I cannot control the future. I just live for today, taking each moment as it comes. For who knows how long any of us are going to be here ? We could be taken by a natural death at any given moment.

Is there really any point in worrying about anything when we are all going to die anyway ? It all seems like a pointless waste of energy.

I'm rambling on a bit so I'm going to go now. I hope you manage to stop the war in your head soon as regards therapy etc.
Lots of love. 🤗

Dear Paul,
i know eventually the pain fades, as everything in the world with the passing of time, but its not the pain, its the loneliness and that will always stay.
i know you know what loneliness means. but im afraid i cant handle it.

as for therapy i dont want to be under anybody's care when i'll do it, so its better to quit. just in case.
and i have been telling them for months im gonna do it, i kind of dont want to break my word.

you are right we are going to die anyway, so why worry? i dont know. but i still do anyway.
and i feel the sooner i die the better it is...

i'll keep completing my tasks, i dont see how else to proceed if not following my plan.

Love and hugs to you