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- Thread starter dying_inside
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So sorry you had a bad night. I had one too: very, very restless despite feeling exhausted. Today I will be like a zombie and time will drag on seemingly forever. I wish I could tell those intrusive thoughts in your head to go away and never come back. I would evict them forever for you if I could. 🤗
im sorry for the bad night Paul, hopefully this day too will pass. 
ILR, im sorry you can relate to the torture of the mind
my day is going worse than i thought, autism T is sick so im home all day and wont get to say goodbye to him today but only next week.
what do i do home alone all day? im going crazy
ILR, im sorry you can relate to the torture of the mind
my day is going worse than i thought, autism T is sick so im home all day and wont get to say goodbye to him today but only next week.
what do i do home alone all day? im going crazy
im sorry for the bad night Paul, hopefully this day too will pass.
ILR, im sorry you can relate to the torture of the mind
my day is going worse than i thought, autism T is sick so im home all day and wont get to say goodbye to him today but only next week.
what do i do home alone all day? im going crazy
ILR, im sorry you can relate to the torture of the mind
my day is going worse than i thought, autism T is sick so im home all day and wont get to say goodbye to him today but only next week.
what do i do home alone all day? im going crazy
Paul, i was thinking about you a little ago. i think its good you dont have energy for anxiety today. do you usually have it? about what?
i was thinking i wish i was rich and had a place for you to come if you'd like.
what you said about not really wanting to die hit me.
what do you (ALL) think there is after death? i just hope its better than this, even if its nothing.
i was trying to think, no thinking... or trying to understand or remember... why i want to die so bad.
is it really because of things i want to avoid? BUT I COULD FACE THEM
because living everyday in my head is torture? THERE ARE MEDS FOR THAT
or is it because i have planned it and now i dont want to abandon the plan? THIS WOULD BE SO STUPID
sometimes it feels like i have imposed it to myself, sometimes it comes from the mind and sometimes from the heart.
i want to die when it comes from the HEART.
i was thinking i wish i was rich and had a place for you to come if you'd like.
what you said about not really wanting to die hit me.
what do you (ALL) think there is after death? i just hope its better than this, even if its nothing.
i was trying to think, no thinking... or trying to understand or remember... why i want to die so bad.
is it really because of things i want to avoid? BUT I COULD FACE THEM
because living everyday in my head is torture? THERE ARE MEDS FOR THAT
or is it because i have planned it and now i dont want to abandon the plan? THIS WOULD BE SO STUPID
sometimes it feels like i have imposed it to myself, sometimes it comes from the mind and sometimes from the heart.
i want to die when it comes from the HEART.
I don't get the anxiety as bad as I used to. I mainly suffer from persistent, untreatable depression. The anxiety just comes out of nowhere, it is caused by a gradual buildup of stress. I rarely get angry at anything so the stress has no outlet. Therefore the stress manifests itself as a panic attack or even worse, an attack if depersonalisation. I had a bad time with it on Monday. I had an attack of depersonalisation. It terrifies me when it happens. It feels like you are not real, and very weird. I tried weed when I was younger and the feeling of depersonalisation is like feeling weird and very anxious, like when you have had too much weed. Luckily it only lasted till Wednesday. My last attack lasted almost 3 weeks. It's really kind of you to say that about a place to stay. I would love to do the same for you, I really would. I don't believe in any form of hell. It's all made up. The word hell is an old English word. It basically means " underground ", as opposed to eternal fire torment etc. Life after death ? Part of me thinks that there could be something, and I think it could definitely be better than this. So many problems are caused by the human body, such as faulty brain chemistry that can give us mental illness. If we are just spirits when we die, then it must feel incredible to just float around and be free from our bodies and brains that cause us so much trouble. I have had 3 out of body experiences in my lifetime, so I know that there is much more to us than we imagine. I know that you don't want to hear this, but are there any other meds that may help you ? Meds that you have never tried before ? I know that my brain lies to me everyday. This is what a faulty brain chemistry does. It makes you feel worse than what things are actually like in outside reality. I'm talking about life outside of your head. I'm rambling on here because I'm feeling really worn out, and my head just runs away with itself. If you are planning on leaving, and your mind is made up, then I am truly sorry. But I would be extremely sad to see you go. And I would definitely miss you. You probably don't want to hear that, but it is true. Please don't get angry with me if I've said anything wrong. I don't mean to offend you. I'm rambling again, so I am going to go now. 🤗.
Dear Paul, you are far far FAR from having offended me in any way, and i was very fascinated reading your answer.
i suffer from mild anxiety and i have experienced depersonalization and derealization a few times and i know it was scary for me. weird and scary. i have read your posts about these few days ago but i didnt know what to say so i shut up.
did you know i live in italy? have you ever been here? maybe you'd like it here.
as for afterdeath i have also seen your post about God but being such a sensitive subject i preferred not to say anything, also because i dont know much. but my belief is quite close to how you described us being pure souls without bodies. i hate bodies. i think its where everything goes wrong.
i have tried all the meds i was given in almost 15 years under public healthcare and only anti psychotics helped, but had too many side effects so i decided to quit. i know there might be other meds but i dont want to become a zombie just to be alive.
i am not still 100% sure about sui, but i must do something because this isnt life.
i would be extremely sad to see you go too and i would miss you a lot too. why shouldnt i have wanted to hear that. it was very nice of you. THANK YOU.
HUGS
i suffer from mild anxiety and i have experienced depersonalization and derealization a few times and i know it was scary for me. weird and scary. i have read your posts about these few days ago but i didnt know what to say so i shut up.
did you know i live in italy? have you ever been here? maybe you'd like it here.
as for afterdeath i have also seen your post about God but being such a sensitive subject i preferred not to say anything, also because i dont know much. but my belief is quite close to how you described us being pure souls without bodies. i hate bodies. i think its where everything goes wrong.
i have tried all the meds i was given in almost 15 years under public healthcare and only anti psychotics helped, but had too many side effects so i decided to quit. i know there might be other meds but i dont want to become a zombie just to be alive.
i am not still 100% sure about sui, but i must do something because this isnt life.
i would be extremely sad to see you go too and i would miss you a lot too. why shouldnt i have wanted to hear that. it was very nice of you. THANK YOU.
HUGS
Same here: I call it yoyo brain. One day you are up and making plans and feel confident. Next day you are down and unsure. A few days ago I was ready to go at any given moment. I felt invincible. Then yesterday I began to have doubts. It's almost as if I am 2 different people. But of course, it is just my silly brain chemistry playing tricks on me. My brain is a real asshole at times. It hurts to say that you deserve it: that you deserve the worst. 😥😥😥. I truly think that you deserve the best. 🤗.
Thank you @nicktheundoer 
I'm very happy that I didn't offend you. I had no idea that you too have suffered from depersonalisation and derealization. I'm sorry you had to go through that. And yes, it is definitely weird and scary. I am no longer taking meds, because they did not work, or had dreadful side effects. I have tried virtually everything there is. So I understand your dilemma as regards meds. Either be a drugged-up zombie, or feel the overwhelming intensity of mental turmoil. It's a case of damned if you do, damned if you don't. We just can't seem to win can we ? It's as though the game of life is rigged against us. But I believe that our true selves, our souls, what we are at the very core of ourselves will one day be free from all of this pain. The pain caused by our bodies and brain. I hate it so much to know that you are suffering. I sometimes think of you during the day and wonder how you are coping. You absolutely do not deserve to have to go through any of this. Not even for one day, or even an hour. I have run out of things to say, so I am going now. I hope that you sleep ok, I really do. Even if only for a couple if hours. 🤗
YOYO brain, thats the perfect definition. i experience it a lot. thats why they gave me mood stabilizers but its not my mood to change, its my mindset, even if then it manifests itself with different feelings and emotions.
i think depersonalization and derealization have a lot to do with trauma, active trauma. for me it was during some crisis moments and when i was anorexic. sometimes it happens even now but it doesnt last long. for me its like not being able to believe i am me or that this is the true reality. its a mind trick.
meds work only up to a point. they have limits. some situations or some internal ways of living are too strong even for meds. i think its the case of chronic trauma that we are probably all living here.
sometimes i think of you during the day too and i too wonder how you're coping. i either walk back and forth to soothe myself or lie down in bed hoping to relax a bit or stay on the computer. usually i work in the mornings, but this week i had it off. i used to SH a lot but i've seen it brings only temporary relief and i prefer suffering emotionally than physically now.
i am pretty numb now. im tired and hopefully the day will soon be over.
HUGS to everyone
i think depersonalization and derealization have a lot to do with trauma, active trauma. for me it was during some crisis moments and when i was anorexic. sometimes it happens even now but it doesnt last long. for me its like not being able to believe i am me or that this is the true reality. its a mind trick.
meds work only up to a point. they have limits. some situations or some internal ways of living are too strong even for meds. i think its the case of chronic trauma that we are probably all living here.
sometimes i think of you during the day too and i too wonder how you're coping. i either walk back and forth to soothe myself or lie down in bed hoping to relax a bit or stay on the computer. usually i work in the mornings, but this week i had it off. i used to SH a lot but i've seen it brings only temporary relief and i prefer suffering emotionally than physically now.
i am pretty numb now. im tired and hopefully the day will soon be over.
HUGS to everyone
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