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please talk with me
- Thread starter dying_inside
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i've had multiple proofs here and IRL that im surrounded by people who truly care about me. shouldnt it be enough?
what do i want more?
what would i need to say: well, lets give life another chance?
more money? it would help, but its not about money
a different job? its not even that
gathering the courage and tell my boyfriend i dont want him anymore? its not even that important
accepting parents will die? thats the hardest
accepting i will be left by people i care about (docs)? thats one hard one too...
my T yesterday said its all about abandonment.
i dont want to abandon or be abandoned
but its more than that.
its about the mental struggle i live everyday just for being alive.
thinking...
feeling...
worrying...
needing
fear...
hurt...
pure torture.
i have done nothing else today but to wander around the house walking back and forth wanting to scream and cry and not knowing what to do with my life.
id want to be sadated for the rest of my life, living in a mental hospital, where i cant distinguish reality from numbness in my head and heart.
I WANT TO STOP THINKING
I WANT TO STOP FEELING
I WANT TO STOP NEEDING
how do you stop that?
what do i want more?
what would i need to say: well, lets give life another chance?
more money? it would help, but its not about money
a different job? its not even that
gathering the courage and tell my boyfriend i dont want him anymore? its not even that important
accepting parents will die? thats the hardest
accepting i will be left by people i care about (docs)? thats one hard one too...
my T yesterday said its all about abandonment.
i dont want to abandon or be abandoned
but its more than that.
its about the mental struggle i live everyday just for being alive.
thinking...
feeling...
worrying...
needing
fear...
hurt...
pure torture.
i have done nothing else today but to wander around the house walking back and forth wanting to scream and cry and not knowing what to do with my life.
id want to be sadated for the rest of my life, living in a mental hospital, where i cant distinguish reality from numbness in my head and heart.
I WANT TO STOP THINKING
I WANT TO STOP FEELING
I WANT TO STOP NEEDING
how do you stop that?
I don't try to stop it, because it makes it more insistentwhen I do that. However, when I do a hard workout it quiets it down to a bearable level. Running mixed with hill walking works for me.
hugs @dying_inside .
hugs @dying_inside .
I'm sorry..I feel you.. I've felt the same way some years ago..I honestly don't know what could make your heart joyful and happy.. mindfulness helps even in our toughest times to have some joy..even realising that having eyes and seeing this world is a wonder..and it can be a source of gladness..I know you're going through depression..I hope somehow we make it out..hugsss
A lot of people in this world are lucky enough to be numb to the pain of existence. I wish I could be like them, but I'm not. From a very young age I have always been a very highly sensitive person: I love too much. I hate too much. I just feel too much emotion in general. I get hurt very easily with things that would not bother a so-called normal person. It's like the volume on my emotions has been turned up to its highest level, and I can't switch it off again. And my stupid brain just runs wild with its multitude of thoughts. I never asked for these thoughts, and I fucking hate them. I wish there was a switch on top of my head so that I could just turn off my brain. Even for only a couple of hours. It's utterly exhausting to feel the way that you do, and I understand how it feels. So sorry you are having a bad day. I wish with all my heart that I could help you. 🤗
Thank you @nicktheundoer . i've tried mindfulness but it doesnt work for me.
@Paul1963 i think i may fit in the highly sensitive persons too. i wish there was s witch to off the thoughts and feelings too.
but im getting closer to it. i feel glad i got to quit with Psych as planned. it was a task to complete. she cried in the session. i was emotionless.
im getting closer to it. im getting closer to it. i can do it in the right time...
@Paul1963 i think i may fit in the highly sensitive persons too. i wish there was s witch to off the thoughts and feelings too.
but im getting closer to it. i feel glad i got to quit with Psych as planned. it was a task to complete. she cried in the session. i was emotionless.
im getting closer to it. im getting closer to it. i can do it in the right time...
You definitely sound like a hi
I know that feeling of relief very well: that happy feeling you speak of. I have felt it many times over the years. But somehow I have always carried on living. I feel it right now, because I no longer worry about anything anymore as regards my own personal existence. I cannot be fixed and I'm ok with that. Acceptance brings peace, and there comes a time when you just have to let go. I have absolutely nothing left to lose anymore in this dreadful life. So therefore consider myself free from many of life's burdens. I plan on selling my car and doing some traveling until I'm completely broke. After that I honestly couldn't care less. My days of worry, suffering and despair will soon be a thing of the past. I plan on ending this existence sometime around September. Probably on the autumn equinox. I don't want to be around for another winter. 🤗
I know that feeling of relief very well: that happy feeling you speak of. I have felt it many times over the years. But somehow I have always carried on living. I feel it right now, because I no longer worry about anything anymore as regards my own personal existence. I cannot be fixed and I'm ok with that. Acceptance brings peace, and there comes a time when you just have to let go. I have absolutely nothing left to lose anymore in this dreadful life. So therefore consider myself free from many of life's burdens. I plan on selling my car and doing some traveling until I'm completely broke. After that I honestly couldn't care less. My days of worry, suffering and despair will soon be a thing of the past. I plan on ending this existence sometime around September. Probably on the autumn equinox. I don't want to be around for another winter. 🤗
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Paul, your situation is much MUCH worse than mine and i admire you for managing to live through everything up to now. i wish i could help you because you deserve to live. i think so well of you.
i understand Acceptance and peace, i just dont feel them yet. i have so much still holding me here, but depression makes you see only the negative and i cannot see a good enough reason to stay.
im so sorry for your situation
i understand Acceptance and peace, i just dont feel them yet. i have so much still holding me here, but depression makes you see only the negative and i cannot see a good enough reason to stay.
im so sorry for your situation
Paul, your situation is much MUCH worse than mine and i admire you for managing to live through everything up to now. i wish i could help you because you deserve to live. i think so well of you.
i understand Acceptance and peace, i just dont feel them yet. i have so much still holding me here, but depression makes you see only the negative and i cannot see a good enough reason to stay.
im so sorry for your situation
i understand Acceptance and peace, i just dont feel them yet. i have so much still holding me here, but depression makes you see only the negative and i cannot see a good enough reason to stay.
im so sorry for your situation
Thank you Paul.
at the moment i only feel relief about Psych. and in general.
as we said in session, i dont understand how so many people live through unthinkable things and still want to live while all i would think is how to die.
ive come to believe its my main mindset at this point.
i dont even see my problems anymore. everything is going in the right direction and i can only feel relief.
hugs
at the moment i only feel relief about Psych. and in general.
as we said in session, i dont understand how so many people live through unthinkable things and still want to live while all i would think is how to die.
ive come to believe its my main mindset at this point.
i dont even see my problems anymore. everything is going in the right direction and i can only feel relief.
hugs
Is there anything special you would like to do before leaving ? I am going to sell my car and the possessions I have left in a storage unit. Some of it I will give away to some fellow homeless people like me. I am going to travel and try to do a couple of things on my bucket list. I don't really want to do anything in reality, as I have lost my ability to enjoy anything in life due to Anhedonia. But I might as well just do them anyway, just for the hell of it all. Deep down, I know that I don't really want to die: I just want to be free from all of the pain and futility. So therefore to be free from all of this unrelenting suffering, I therefore have to die. I don't really want to leave, yet I have to leave to put myself out of my misery. It's a crazy situation to be in. I really want to die to be free from suffering, yet there is always that ," something " that is lurking beneath the surface that tries to change my mind. Do you feel this also ? I'm not talking about survival instinct or fear, it is something else. Do you know what it is ? I'm feeling very tired now and going to try and get some sleep. Another day of shitfuckery awaits us tomorrow. I hope you manage to get some sleep too. Sweet dreams. 🤗
Dear Paul, theres nothing i still want to do or say. i have nothing left undone or unsaid. just to get my stuff ready and say goodbye to docs.
i strongly recommend you to do those things, you never know what they may lead to.
i also dont really want to die sometimes, but sometimes i strongly do.
my mind is still actually fighting to find another way out, but i have invested too much on in to let go and struggle to be alive.
they say suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems. or. you dont really want to die but end your pain (i think this is your case).
for me, i want a permanent solution to PERMANENT problems that mostly come from the way i think and feel.
and i dont want to end the pain, i want to end ME. because I AM the problem.
autism T said sui ideation is very common in the spectrum.
im still amazed at how peaceful (but still guilty a bit) i feel about quitting Psych.
i think its because finally i wont have to wait for yet another session, wait for help, think about her, what to tell her, or long for our sessions.
its freeing. relationships are too complicated for me. i prefer being alone.
but then i love to vent in forums like this. it helps me think and clear my mind and heart.
Hugs and sweet dreams to you all
i strongly recommend you to do those things, you never know what they may lead to.
i also dont really want to die sometimes, but sometimes i strongly do.
my mind is still actually fighting to find another way out, but i have invested too much on in to let go and struggle to be alive.
they say suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems. or. you dont really want to die but end your pain (i think this is your case).
for me, i want a permanent solution to PERMANENT problems that mostly come from the way i think and feel.
and i dont want to end the pain, i want to end ME. because I AM the problem.
autism T said sui ideation is very common in the spectrum.
im still amazed at how peaceful (but still guilty a bit) i feel about quitting Psych.
i think its because finally i wont have to wait for yet another session, wait for help, think about her, what to tell her, or long for our sessions.
its freeing. relationships are too complicated for me. i prefer being alone.
but then i love to vent in forums like this. it helps me think and clear my mind and heart.
Hugs and sweet dreams to you all
GOOD MORNING FRIENDS,
i havent slept much but thats normality now so i better accept it. there have been 4-5 mins where i was actually serene.
then all of a sudden reality kicks in and thoughts and memories get into my head and my torture starts. i keep telling my thoughts to shut up but it never works. my day will continue like this, trying to shut up my thoughts and trying to sort through my feelings and cope with them and hoping time passes by asap.
have a good day everyone
i havent slept much but thats normality now so i better accept it. there have been 4-5 mins where i was actually serene.
then all of a sudden reality kicks in and thoughts and memories get into my head and my torture starts. i keep telling my thoughts to shut up but it never works. my day will continue like this, trying to shut up my thoughts and trying to sort through my feelings and cope with them and hoping time passes by asap.
have a good day everyone
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