please talk with me

[Paul1963]

What will make you feel less lonely ? Is there anything ?
Or do you still feel lonely, even in the company of loved ones ?
I have always felt lonely, no matter what the circumstances. Lonely in a crowd as they say.
Do you mean that you will not be able to bear the loneliness of being completely alone ?
I hope I'm making sense here. Please forgive me, if I'm not.
Hugs.

 

[dying_inside]

you are making LOTS of sense.
i already feel lonely when i company, even of my family, but without them id be completely alone and i know people survive it, but i dont think i can. so better go before they go.
but thats just ONE thing. there are a million things like this.
i just dont want to be alive because its too hard, both in a practical way and in an emotional/mental way.

and i feel safer following through with the plan than having hope it will be ok. it wont be ok. i will never be ok. i have never been so why should it change?

 

[Paul1963]

Ok. This may sound strange to you, but what if you just live life as best you can. UNTIL your parents leave. And then leave shortly after they have gone.
Also I agree 100% that life is brutal on all fronts. EVERYTHING is a constant battle. I honestly don't know how we both get through it.

I too have never been ok. And I know that I never will be. I am broken.
The only things that get me through the day are giving myself a future date to leave, and gaining comfort from the fact that I will be released from all of this suffering sometime in the near future.
Communicating with you also helps me through the day. More than you can imagine. And if you leave, then I will miss you dearly. But ultimately you have to do what is best for you. It is a deeply personal decision.
Lots of love to you and big hugs.

 

[dying_inside]

I have thought about it, but i also have a brother, even if he doesnt live close. i couldnt do this to him.
and i dont want to attend my parents death. i could, but i dont want it.

things that keep me going are having a plan, communicating with the Samaritans and communicating here on SF and with you, especially.

i envy how you take losses, but yes, everyone has to do whats best for them. i'll better remember this.

thank you
Lots of love and big hugs to you

 

[Paul1963]

Oh no, I'm so sorry. I didn't remember that you have a brother.
I completely understand what you are saying here, as regards your family.
And not wanting to hurt your brother proves that you are a good person, and not the bad person you say you are. You have a big heart and a conscience. Not many people these days have that.

I hope your day isn't filled with too much emotional turmoil.
Lots of love.

 

[dying_inside]

I sorry, im very selfish, we only talk about me. i hope in your other posts you get to talk about you.
id like to support you the same way you support me, im sorry im too weak for that.

anxiety is growing. i'll have to leave my parents house in a couple of hours and go back to my flat. thats where i feel the worst usually.
its small, i dont have space to walk back and forth and i feel caged physically and mentally.

follow the plan, follow the plan, follow the plan. its the only thing that makes me feel good.

 

[Paul1963]

I'm more of a listener than a talker. I like giving empathy more than receiving it. So it is not an issue. Please don't feel uncomfortable about imagining that you are not being able to support me. Because you ARE supporting me. You really are. You are supporting me by just being here.
I don't know what you mean about feeling too weak: Do you mean you feel too ill, or that you think you are not a good person ?

It sounds like the flat is making you stir crazy. It happens to prisoners cooped up in tiny cells.

Do you feel the worst at your flat because you are alone, or because it feels claustrophobic ?

Maybe it's both these things.

It's nothing to do with me, but would it be better for you to move in with your parents ?

I don't know what else to say so I'm going to go now.
I wish I could be of more help to you.
But I can't. And I hate that it's so.
Lots of love and hugs to you.

 

[dying_inside]

Dear Paul,

Thank you so much for talking with me and being ok with just listening and answering to me. but dont feel you always have to say something or solve my situation, as for you, you just being here is already supporting me. i love your questions. you sound wise and smart and with lots of insight.

yes, the answer to your question is both. i feel trapped and i feel alone. as if my mind would shrink with the place and theres no one saving me.

it would not be better to be with my parents because we always end up fighting when we are together for more than a lunch together. and i have fought so hard to be independent it would be another failure for me to go back with them.

now i'll have to go, i hope to talk with you again later.
tomorrow i restart working. i'll be free only in the afternoon and i dont like that.

Lots of love and hugs

 

[dying_inside]

Now i know what i want.
i want to follow the plan.
its safer, more comfortable, less confusing, and making me feel good.
tasks to complete to test my will.
no pity for myself.
straight to the end.

 

[Paul1963]

Now i know what i want.
i want to follow the plan.
its safer, more comfortable, less confusing, and making me feel good.
tasks to complete to test my will.
no pity for myself.
straight to the end.

I have no words.
I don't know what to say to you.
My head is in a daze.
I have crashed badly this afternoon.
Tearful, crippling loneliness.
I will never be happy.
Only pain ahead.
This void inside consumes me .
Emptiness is in my soul, my heart is full of pain .
Somebody please put me back together again.

 

[dying_inside]

You are not alone, we can talk if you want

 

[dying_inside]

Im sorry. i'll stop here. i dont want to trigger anyone anymore.
Im extremely sorry.
Love to all

 

[Windhover]

Love to you @dying_inside no matter what you choose you are supported and cared for here. I'm sorry the pain and contradictions of life

hug

 

[Paul1963]

Did you get the mail message this morning ?
I hope you are ok.

 

[dying_inside]

Love to you @dying_inside no matter what you choose you are supported and cared for here. I'm sorry the pain and contradictions of life

hug

Thank you @seabird , i think i'll continue staying here, maybe posting less about my plans and more about my feelings. today im feeling better than i have in a long while...

Did you get the mail message this morning ?
I hope you are ok.

Yes Paul, i got the message, thank you and i hope you too are doing ok.


Lots of love to all

 

[Windhover]

i think i'll continue staying here, maybe posting less about my plans and more about my feelings. today im feeling better than i have in a long while...

This is truly good to hear.

 

[dying_inside]

I have seen T today and it went so so... i told him (made him read) everything and it made me feel good, but he did nothing. he never does anything.
im disappointed, hurt and mad...

 

[dying_inside]

Today i saw autism T and psychiatrist, didnt go very well. i feel in pieces....

 

[iloverachel]

Today i saw autism T and psychiatrist, didnt go very well. i feel in pieces....

 

[Paul1963]

Are you ok ?
My mail page is blank.
What happened ?
Very worried.