Please tell me, what the hell is there left for me anymore? What I am living for?

[TooShyToScream]

Hope today is treating you better.

I didnt mean forgiveness, I also have my list of people that I will never forgive, EVER.....some things in life are neither forgettable or forgiveable, and Im sure we all have those types of lists, its being able to live with those things that makes our life.

Well, my fiance let me take 1mg of his Suboxone last night and I'm still feeling it. I've felt pretty sedated all last night through this morning. It feels great. I went from being suicidal to feeling hopeful and calm.

Also, I have started taking prozac again. I'm not sure how much faith I have in it, but I've decided to try. I need to ask for a higher dosage of that though, as well as more ambien and ativan. I can't sleep anymore without the ambien. I tried and couldn't fall asleep for hours and woke up like 20 times. I couldn't sleep before the ambien either, but its possible now that I started taking it, I'm totally dependent on it. But whatever, it's not like I was any better before. I'm going to the doctor in about a week, so as long as I can get the medicine I need, I'll be happy. I'm worried that they won't give me the ambien or ativan though. I desperately need the ambien at night and ativan is usually what I take to calm down when I don't get suboxone...and it's very rare that I do, so I need both of them. When I have one of my emotional spaz-outs, I just can't deal with it without any medicine.

Also, fiance's mom has only a few days left they think. she's always asleep and her organs are failing. I'm scared of how things will be when it happens. But overall, I do feel okay today...like I said, all thanks to the suboxone though. I was planning my suicide just hours before I took it.

 

[In Limbo]

Hi Tanya,

I'd like to ask how much your fiance is truly aware of your intentions and emotions, it strikes me that with him - and the other people you mention - you presume their reactions and emotional responses without actually testing the theory as it were.

"don't know how to do anything normal 21 year olds can do except drink"

What does a 'normal' 21 year old do? One of the biggest problems that I talked about with my counsellor when I was dealing with my D, was that I had many ideas and misconceptions about normality...it is a false concept - we are all different and life does not come with a manual...many people when I was at university in the deepest of my D, would have said - and did say - that I seemed perfectly normal to them.

I'd love to know your answers to these questions...don't give in...you don't need to...

Much love and big hugs,
Chris

 

[TooShyToScream]

Hi Tanya,

I'd like to ask how much your fiance is truly aware of your intentions and emotions, it strikes me that with him - and the other people you mention - you presume their reactions and emotional responses without actually testing the theory as it were.

"don't know how to do anything normal 21 year olds can do except drink"

What does a 'normal' 21 year old do? One of the biggest problems that I talked about with my counsellor when I was dealing with my D, was that I had many ideas and misconceptions about normality...it is a false concept - we are all different and life does not come with a manual...many people when I was at university in the deepest of my D, would have said - and did say - that I seemed perfectly normal to them.

I'd love to know your answers to these questions...don't give in...you don't need to...

Much love and big hugs,
Chris

My fiance understands my BPD pretty well, much better than anyone else ever has. But he doesn't always understand everything even though he does understand a lot. Other people, however, are painfully clueless to just about everything, and not because I haven't attempted to inform them. My own family is still unaware of how even my social anxiety affects me and I've had that my entire life pretty much - way before I showed signs of BPD and even being depressed. They've had plenty of chances to see it, but they don't care enough to. My fiance is all I really have when it comes down to it, the only one I can depend on both for understanding and a purpose to be here.

As for what normal 21 year olds do - they drive, are able to pay their own bills because they work, they have their associate's degree. I can't do any of those things. I can't even feed myself and go to the bathroom when I need to if people are around.

 

[In Limbo]

Not making excuses for your family - just putting forward an idea - but depression makes you a very good liar - I know because I've been there. You let people see only what you want them to, I wonder if part of you wants your relationship with your family to stay this way because as we all know - it's easier to be angry and resentful at least short term.

You ask what is to live for - but I've gotta be truthful and say I think you have plenty to live for - the question is - is depression easier to stay in, than fight your way out of...for a long time I chose the former...

You're young, clearly very bright, have an understanding fiance and you're very self-aware...those are really positive attributes - you can use those...

You can't drive - it's not uncommon that people in the early 20s don't drive - it's expensive to learn and to fill up when you get there and whilst beneficial - it's not even close to the be-all and end-all.

You said most 21s can pay their own bills because they work - certainly in the UK that's not true and I'm sure it's the same in the US, the jobs market is getting worse and 21s are still learning - when I dropped out of uni my parents took co-control of my bank account which they still have although they no longer need to (much!).

Degrees are held by a minority - the pressures of today are very much to go to college or uni, but in all truth when I dropped out - it was awful and painful but ultimately I realised later - not the hammer-blow to my prospects I'd imagined...

I say again - these are concepts of normality perpetuated by society and media pressures but when you look closer they don't really hold up to examination. Focus for now on simply getting through the days - then every two days - then through the weeks....it's a slow process but it can be done even if it seems absolutely desolate...

 

[TooShyToScream]

Not making excuses for your family - just putting forward an idea - but depression makes you a very good liar - I know because I've been there. You let people see only what you want them to, I wonder if part of you wants your relationship with your family to stay this way because as we all know - it's easier to be angry and resentful at least short term.

You ask what is to live for - but I've gotta be truthful and say I think you have plenty to live for - the question is - is depression easier to stay in, than fight your way out of...for a long time I chose the former...

You're young, clearly very bright, have an understanding fiance and you're very self-aware...those are really positive attributes - you can use those...

You can't drive - it's not uncommon that people in the early 20s don't drive - it's expensive to learn and to fill up when you get there and whilst beneficial - it's not even close to the be-all and end-all.

You said most 21s can pay their own bills because they work - certainly in the UK that's not true and I'm sure it's the same in the US, the jobs market is getting worse and 21s are still learning - when I dropped out of uni my parents took co-control of my bank account which they still have although they no longer need to (much!).

Degrees are held by a minority - the pressures of today are very much to go to college or uni, but in all truth when I dropped out - it was awful and painful but ultimately I realised later - not the hammer-blow to my prospects I'd imagined...

I say again - these are concepts of normality perpetuated by society and media pressures but when you look closer they don't really hold up to examination. Focus for now on simply getting through the days - then every two days - then through the weeks....it's a slow process but it can be done even if it seems absolutely desolate...

I've tried both lying and not lying - neither works. When they ask me how I am and I say fine even though I'm terrible, it's disregarded. And similarly, when I say I'm terrible, it's also disregarded. Only difference is, when I tell the truth, it's blamed on me first and then disregarded. So might as well lie to avoid being insulted at least. But that's depression and BPD. I've never been able to hide my social anxiety even if I tried, and it still went unnoticed. I'm not a good liar at all most times anyway.

It's not mere depression that I'm fighting. As I said a few posts back, my main reason for not wanting to be here is other people and society, not myself. The depression and BPD and isolation stems from pure hatred. Social anxiety stems from insecurity, but everything else is just hatred and the inability to tolerate the way the world works. And that's not something I can change or fight because it's not something I can ever accept. It's possible that maybe I can still find a way to stay without accepting anything, but that's the best I can do. I already know this. So it's not about fighting depression for me, that's not going to happen. It's about learning to live with it. That's why it's so hard...it's not something I have that much control over. It's not about changing myself.

Driving, yeah, I'm not the only 21 year old who can't drive. But I still feel very left out in that area and I've been pressured to learn and criticized for not doing so by people before. And people either go to school or they work. If they don't have an associate's degree, they have a job and vice versa. I'm just way behind on the whole degree thing and a complete failure at keeping a job.

 

[doityourself]

We cannot live the lives of others, we can only live for ourselves. While I agree with you, life is full of to put it nice "insanely, ignorant, selfish people" but does that mean you have to be like them, you dont have to live like them and you can even choose to ignore them, thats the best thing about living.

I know it would be so much nicer and easier if we all got what we deserved out of life, put out as much as your getting in, but to be honest, noone knows exactly what you need or want but you and nothing is handed out to anyone anymore.

Like your F for example may walk in the door and go to his mom first, that doesnt make his love for you any less. Your mom not calling and asking or blowing off how you feel, well she may have been having just as bad as day as you and wanted some comfort herself.

Its sucky that we have to go through our days asking and questioning so much in life, why or why not this and that, but if we spend all our time doing the asking then the answers will never come because noone knows, thats the thing noone knows what will make you feel peace, noone can make you go out of your room and be social, there is no cure there is only living with it, settling, being okay with yourself and your life and to have the ump to work on it yourself, but only you can do that.

I know what your saying if it was only that easy, and I agree I wish I could take some of what I just wrote myself to heart.

 

[TooShyToScream]

We cannot live the lives of others, we can only live for ourselves. While I agree with you, life is full of to put it nice "insanely, ignorant, selfish people" but does that mean you have to be like them, you dont have to live like them and you can even choose to ignore them, thats the best thing about living.

I know it would be so much nicer and easier if we all got what we deserved out of life, put out as much as your getting in, but to be honest, noone knows exactly what you need or want but you and nothing is handed out to anyone anymore.

Like your F for example may walk in the door and go to his mom first, that doesnt make his love for you any less. Your mom not calling and asking or blowing off how you feel, well she may have been having just as bad as day as you and wanted some comfort herself.

Its sucky that we have to go through our days asking and questioning so much in life, why or why not this and that, but if we spend all our time doing the asking then the answers will never come because noone knows, thats the thing noone knows what will make you feel peace, noone can make you go out of your room and be social, there is no cure there is only living with it, settling, being okay with yourself and your life and to have the ump to work on it yourself, but only you can do that.

I know what your saying if it was only that easy, and I agree I wish I could take some of what I just wrote myself to heart.

It doesn't mean I have to be like them? Yes it does. I AM like them. I'm human and have many qualities that I hate about being human that I can't control. Also, I live in their world. A society that other people made and a society that I hate yet have absolutely no control over. What you're talking about is personality. Yes, my personality doesn't have to be like theirs, but the irony is that even minor differences in personality from the majority are not taken to very kindly by other people. And (for the most part) differences in how one chooses to live their life are absolutely out of the question. So as long as I am alive, I am like them and I have no choice in it, otherwise I am not accepted by society/humanity.

I'm sure you already know my beliefs about what constitutes abandonment and neglect, so I cannot agree with you that him paying attention to something else first means he doesn't care about me or love me less. I can agree that in general it may not mean he cares about me any less, but it means that for the moment he cares about me less than he cares about something else, and that's still unacceptable to me. That's something we have to agree to disagree on.

You're correct that it's about learning to live with it. But if I can't learn to live with it...then I can't. All I can do is try and find out.

 

[Stranger1]

I agree with Carla that you should go to the ER and tell them you are suicidal..Ask to speak with someone in mental health and tell them everything..They should admit you.. Once in there ask to speak with someone from Patient Assistance... They will fill out the paerwork to file for medicaid..So that will cover the hospital.. Get a letter from the doctor explaining whats the matter with you so when you get out of the hospitalyou can file for disability..Send them a photocopy of the letter aloong with your application..They more than likely turn you down so thats when you get a lawyer who specialises in disability cases and let them take care of it.. They will take there fee out of the back money that you will get from the first day you applied..Yes they will pay you all the back money from day one.. You said you were getting high.. Is it smoking weed or are you into something heavier?? You need to stop the drugs... For one reason they will do bloodwork on you.. You will have to see there doctor and there shrink to qualify..It's a one time thing..Well I hope this helps you...

 

[solutions]

Having BPD, I do have a bit of a short temper.

I know. Never dated someone with the illness, though. But I did date a girl with a paranoid personality disorder (makes for a great story), and one with major depression and social phobia. Neither was very fun after a while.

Anyway, I don't have anything to add beyond what I've already said. I'm waiting for the board to run out of ideas.

BUT. I will say that, fuck, I live for others, too. I'd love to die, I've accepted it whole-heartedly. I've fucked up my life already and all the clinicians in the world aren't going to pick up the pieces. I'm probably going back to the hospital soon. And I still can't try it, out of guilt. It sucks, doesn't it?

 

[TooShyToScream]

YS

I know. Never dated someone with the illness, though. But I did date a girl with a paranoid personality disorder (makes for a great story), and one with major depression and social phobia. Neither was very fun after a while.

Anyway, I don't have anything to add beyond what I've already said. I'm waiting for the board to run out of ideas.

BUT. I will say that, fuck, I live for others, too. I'd love to die, I've accepted it whole-heartedly. I've fucked up my life already and all the clinicians in the world aren't going to pick up the pieces. I'm probably going back to the hospital soon. And I still can't try it, out of guilt. It sucks, doesn't it?

Yes, those of us with personality disdorders are quite a handful. I say/do shit I regret every day due to how strongly my emotions influence me. If you're living for other people, those people must be worth sticking around for. If they're people you love, once you die, you'll never get to see them again. Whether or not your problems are able to be fixed, at the very least its possible to still live with them