post your major complaint here
- Thread starter 1964dodge
- Start date
My therapist said - I don’t think, we’re crying for attention but we’ve or I just been seeking validation to our emotions in other sources online or else where because we can’t express our emotions well when seeking for help. Which I think its very unfortunate but I hope I’ll grow instead of feeling cringy about myself whenever I did express my emotions. I’m still somewhat relieved that I didn’t lie to myself.
People keep asking me things, and I don't know how to respond. I haven't met any new people, I rarely leave the apartment. No, I don't volunteer or work right now. How do I feel about that? I don't know, I don't care much, I'm a sad sack. There's nothing exciting about my life, but maybe I'll start making up a fake life just to appease people.
Realizing I’m a bad person who’s done terrible things and who’s self-centered, incapable of love or empathy, who has contributed nothing even in this fascist world and is a threat to others and really hating how all I do is whine. Maybe I’m coming to grips with the fact that I’m not owed kindness, especially not after what I’ve done, and having to come to grips with my loss of (perceived) innocence — that I have to take charge and actually do work in order to have worth as a person, my life is mine to make of it and I’ve been fucking it up, and I have no idea what I want or if what I want is moral, if my motivations and intentions are good, or if I have to rearrange everything about me in order to become acceptable. But these are just complaints. My life is very cushy and nice, and it’s my task to sabotage the world in a way that will help others, and to become a person worthy of kindness and respect (though I may never get it again, and why should I?) why should I want anything for myself after what I’ve done. I have a duty to fix the world, but would anyone accept me after what I’ve done? Should I just isolate myself and make excuses as to why I’m not joining in the fight? If I’m danger to people around me then I shouldn’t be around people, OR is it just because I’m afraid of being unmasked? I’m not worth anything. I have nothing to offer. My death wouldn’t matter but it would be cowardly. I really don’t know as much as I pretend too and I’m definitely not as moral or as good as I posture. Everything good I do feels fake so I don’t want to do anything at all. And the worst things about my past and my fears are the only things that feel true. I realize my life is very good and my problems are overblown, maybe even made up I’m just so frustrated at how shitty I am and how I’ll never be a good person. I can no longer pretend to be innocent or good or victimized, or indulge in righteous outrage. I can no longer relate to people who are victimized by society and have genuine grievances. Because of what I’ve done and my position I am their enemy and oppressor. I don’t want to save anyone anymore. Or maybe I do. But I can’t pretend I’m superior anymore and that bugs me. I don’t want to admit I’m the same as everyone else, if you take away all my pretenses you will find that I’m nothing but a pathetic worm. If I play the game of being human I will lose. There is nothing special or distinguishable about me except maybe my character defects. I’ve stopped caring about my own mundane interests....all I do is sit in my house and browse social media. Why pursue and complete the life of a person that is shitty, if you’re a shitty and irredeemable person? If no one is obligated to like me then why I am obligated to like myself? I realize that I have a responsibilty to others and to humanity but my ego is so fragile I don’t think I could take any rejection or criticism. Which is a silly and pathetic excuse. I guess it’s an admission of fear. If I really put myself out there and abused people again or people found out about me and gave me hell for it well....that’s what I deserve I guess. I don’t want anything or care about anything sincerely because someone could tell me it was stupid and then I’d have to give it up. And what if they were right? I hate being wrong. I hate being wrong more than anything else in the world, probably. I’m fine with being a mentally ill loser who doesn’t do anything. It’s pathetic, and immoral, but at least when people make fun of me or criticize me I can agree with them and soften the blow of whatever damage they might do. I realize that I’m probably on some sort of narcissistic spectrum, at the very least I’m egocentric and self-centered. I don’t know exactly why I’m like this but it is ultimately my responsibilty. And i’m digging in my heels. I hate being criticized for anything that I would rather sacrifice whatever I was criticized for than actually defend it or make changes because of the critique. I am not mature. I do not know why anyone would like me. I feel very justified and self-righteous in my depression. I can say confidently that I am the problem in my life, I am the toxic manipulative abuser, I am the rapist, I am the energy vampire, I am the piece of shit man (or woman?) who never does anything right......this is a bulletproof self-assessment. I don’t even care that it’s negative, no one can criticize me for it. I used to play the victim and abuse people because I felt justified in doing so but now I realize that I’ve never been the victim, I’ve always been an abuser and now my life has a lot of clarity. It’s not humility to admit this but it’s a better way of shielding myself from having to do anything or owe anyone anything. I like being the bad guy, so long as I don’t feel guilty for hurting anyone (or maybe I don’t feel guilt, maybe it’s just woundedness from my ego being hurt, hmmm) being bad and irredeemably terrible feels real, somehow. Whenever I do something polite I feel fake. People think I’m deep and mysterious but really I’m quite shallow. I don’t care about anything besides myself. I want to be able to care to seem good but “good person” is an identity that is now out of bounds. I’ve lowered my expectations of myself to the point where I literally do nothing at all and I’m pretty content, besides my deep self-loathing which is completely justified but other than that my life is fine. I’m not a good person but I believe that people will be more receptive to that than if I pretended to be good. People want authenticity. It just so happens that “authenticity” means revealing what a selfish, abusive, narcissistic, garbage person I am. Who would want to work with that, lol. I would kill myself but that’s so painful and takes so much effort. And since my life is so worthless anyway it doesn’t matter if I live or die. I am a bad person, people want me dead anyway. Why pursue a life for myself when I fundamentally don’t deserve one? I have obligations, we all have obligations, and I guess I should fulfill those at least. But there are larger obligations too, ones that require me to learn what love is and practice it. But I don’t want to face that, because even though I’m a narcissist and talk about myself all the time I loathe to stop and take a look in the mirror.