I had an appointment with a mental health nurse booked for Thursday. And with recent events in my life, i really could have done with that chance to get a space to talk some pretty major things out. But my dad just had go visit my nephews and bring back a really nasty bug, so i've just had to cancel cos i'm too sick, and i'm not gonna get better in time. And because he also just had to go to one of their birthdays this last weekend, then one of their friends' next weekend, then go see them a couple of weekends after that, it seemed pointless to try and rebook it, cos i have no clue when i'm actually going to get a chance to stop feeling like shit. He's infected me with 3 different bugs in the last month, cos he's constantly going over there. He's going to keep going out, catching bugs because children are little germ factories, and then inevitably come back here and give them to me, because my immune system is pathetic.
So i guess i'm just not gonna get any of the therapy i really kinda need if i'm being honest. Because my happiness and emotional wellbeing don't matter i guess.
The last round of therapy i had also ended early because of him. As soon as it felt like we were making progress, he had a medical issue i'm not gonna describe for his privacy, but it meant i was too busy worrying about him to focus on my own issues, and i didn't feel right asking him to drive me to my appointments. And he'd convinced me not to do the appointments over the phone, to do them in person. So i just stopped going.
Which i didn't begrudge at the time, but now that he's managed to sabotage 2 of my attempts to get help in a row, it's starting to feel like he's trapping me here, in this bed, to rot. And i just know that if things degrade to the point where i off myself, i'll be the bastard because "why wouldn't he just go talk to a professional?"
Last night i felt like i might actually choke to death, cos between my asthma and this bug, i couldn't breathe properly no matter what i did, and i started feeling really lightheaded, my lips were tingling, and i was seeing spots. And right now i sorta wish i had, cos i'm sick of feeling in pain and like my needs don't matter.