r* while drugged. triggering

[JaxGA]

It was 8 years ago, and it happened on my birthday. I went to my boyfriends best friends apartment, my boyfriend was being a jerk at the time. so we were having fun, when he decides we should do some acid. I was young and stupid, so i went for it. I remember him feeding me pills, so many pills, and then I blacked out. next thing i remember is being in the shower with him, and he had me bent over and was raping me. I blacked out again, and then we were in his bedroom, he was holding my wrists down, and it was all so surreal.

i remember bits and peaces of the rest of the night, i tried to go out to the payphone to call for help, but the "friend" and a bunch of people stopped me and walked me back inside. I remember being terrified, and cold because i had thrown clothes on while soaking wet, and no one cared. I was having a really bad trip, and all i wanted to do was go home, but no one would let me....

i woke up two days later naked on the fold out couch. Everything hurt, especially the places the guys decided to have fun with. i lost two days of my life, i don't know who was in me, what they did, if there were pics... and i told no one... a few friends, but they didn't believe me.

I have lost everyone who mattered to me in my life, i just pushed them all away. i can barely sleep, and when i do, i don't want to wake up. I've tried to kill myself twice, but people found me and saved me. all i want is to go back to that night and tell him no, and just go home.

but i can't. i don't know what to do. i just don't care. about anything. the man i'm with now can't help me, he just doesn't get it. rape is not something you just get over. i hate myself, i hate my life, and i feel so isolated from everyone and everything around me. i cry all the time. i look in the mirror, and i just want to punch the face staring back at me.

this has been going on for 8 years, and i just can't do it anymore. i don't want to live, but i aparently am no good at offing myself, so i can't do that either.

i think i need help.

 

[Dave_N]

Did you go to the police after you were drugged and gangraped? Those guys should have been arrested for what they did, otherwise they might do it again. I'm sorry that you made the mistake of taking acid that night, and what happened after, but your life isn't over. I think you should seek counselling to help get over this trauma. :hug:

 

[Tess_Doerner]

I feel the same way. Except I can't even remember who did this to me. I hate it, I'm usually so in control. I usually know exactly what to do. And now I don't.

 

[littleme25]

I was also drugged and then r*. It was also eight years ago and affects me every day. I cannot have a relationship with anyone (anyone male) because I just get flashbacks every time someone tries to get close to me.

I don't know when this will end...I have tried to off myself twice in the last eight years and all the sympathy I get is that I deserved everything I got (when I was attacked).

I have tried to seek help from doctors but no one understands what it's like and they all think I should just be able to "get over" it. I don't know how to do that though.

I'd like you to know that I know how you're feeling and I send you a big hug.

 

[Dave_N]

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you both. The guys that did this to you, didn't know or care that their actions would affect you guys for the rest of your lives, especially your relationships. Just know that all guys aren't like that. :hug:

 

[JaxGA]

no, i never went to the police. i was so ashamed of what had happened that i couldn't bring the words to my lips. i also never told my parents. a "friend" told them for me two years ago. things have been different between all of us now. after talking with my current boyfriend about it, he made me realize that i'm giving it power, and i will no longer do that. i understand that things take time, and i can only really live one day at a time. it's hard accepting that i will be forever changed because of this, but i'm trying to see the light in a world of darkness. there is always hope.

 

[aoeu]

I just can not believe that there are people out there who would ruin someone's life for a FUCK. I'm extremely saddened by this aspect of humanity, and I wish I could give you back your life...

 

[snowraven]

So sorry to read your story. You've been through an awful experience which nobody deserves. I can imagine how tough it must be for you. It's good that you have such a positive attitude to battling with the effects of it all. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I hope you can reach it. I've had a lot of help from some really good people here in the forum who help keep me focused on my own light. I hope you find the same. best of luck.S.