I recently wrote how I was craving suicide and only thing stopping me was my dog. Welp tbh I feel bad wasting a thread since It didn't let me edit the other one. I'm kinda here to just break it down. Since I do not intend to ask for help or advice, its just to put it out there that's about it. Suicide has become my craving not to stab myself but like almost a food craving. Where I can smell it. Imagine it. Taste it. Almost like tomato soup in winter or Grandma's fresh out of the oven apple pie in winter. Something-ish like that. Like a mental comfort, a safety back pack or a second option. It's a mental security. Right now, Im at a place when my eye viens are starting break down and making it blurrier hour of the day. I started on a wood project for my dog. still yet to get my license. Still can't clean my messy house even though I want to and just put it off to later or start a bit and just never go back. Same thing with exercise or just read depressing comics and feel depressed and stay in that mood. I overthink, over speak, overshare, and think in a loop de loop about all bad things and regrets that happened. I no longer care about laundry, or how i dress or if I do good in school. I try to look for work but never apply online since most near me have nothing to do with my skills. don't do dishes, clean up, or vacuum. Just put off everything n life. Just want to see a short life, since I can't visualize my future or want to visualize a future. Oh yes I am most of the time center of my family arguments. So yes this is where I stand in life. So am I depressed? idk. Depressed sad? no. Suicidal? no, but i won't deny it's option. Am I happy? currently no, sometimes yes Do i feel empty? absolutely. Do I care? not one bit. I realized I am solutely selfish and just say mean things to others. do I what I want to do and be that way. Did i try to change? may be Did it work? no. So I don't care for advice, i don't rlly want it or need it, I just don't like cin stuck in a cycle that's it. Although I don't mind giving advice to those who need it, but that's about it.