Randomly scared

[Tana]

So, I was fine with...stuff, more or less, until I overheard my psychiatrist add the word "schizotypal" when talking to a social worker about my issues...I went home and checked the symptoms at google, and at first, I didn't think I have it, but then later, I started to see it and was freaking out. I also (for a joke) showed it to my real-life friend, one who knows me most (I'd hope), and at the beginning, he said as I did, that that's BS, but then, later on, he said "come to think of it, it is kind of like you"....to which, I responded that it seems to be a psych trick where someone doesn't seem to have something, but then when they hear they do, you randomly notice things you thought weren't there/perhaps are no deal even, really.

...Anyway, I'm scared and hopeless, because, it said it can develop into schizophrenia, which I was always scared of (that illness sounds awful).
But also, my mind seems like it wants to purposely give me symptoms. For example, right now even, I'm not hearing voices, but I "think" I hear a faint almost whisper (not really but...idk how to explain this) my name being whispered, as in, I'm imagining it on purpose while my focus is directed (involuntarily) on random noise/wind whatever....Idk what to do. I mean, if that will be added to my list when I should just call it quits now. I don't want to deal with that shit on top.

But you know. I think it might just be anxiety that's causing all this...and the fact that I keep checking back to it, the symptoms reading about it etc, it's making shit worse...what do you think? What do I do?
Besides probably never read about it again, and forget it, lol.

I'd really appreciate your take on this.

 

[Tana]

Lol. Even now I have a weird urge to check back and google. -_-.
... Random moments.

 

[Tana]

Okay stopped googling, since it's a bad idea right now...
But could use feedback. :/

Also, will stop spamming here now.

 

[Auri]

I'm not very familiar with schizotypal personality disorder, but here's a few thoughts I have on what your wrote... First, I don't think you should worry about it turning into schizophrenia. I think that only feeds the paranoia and I'm pretty sure it isn't like a "rule", just an eventuality among some people. Also, every disorder is on a spectrum. Perhaps you fit a few criteria and you can wear the label from a medical point of view, but another doctor would see things a bit differently. It seems to me like schizophrenia would develop among those with an advanced type of that disorder. Mental health is a pretty difficult science to determine and I don't think an additional label should alarm you, especially because you are right : the more you read about this, the more your mind will try to fit the box and almost adapt to it. Our brain is deceiving. I don't see a real benefit from it, on the contrary.

You know that before hearing about that disorder, you were the exact same person as you are now? Nothing has changed, nothing should change. Sometimes I find that people who are more critical of the labels associated to them have a healthier approach. It's a spectrum. Does it matter if a behaviour can be justified with this or that disorder if in the end it is detrimental to you? This is only a word, invented by humans, to put people with similarities in a box to help them with treatment, but you are still unique even in the way you experience the symptoms. Just be you, don't be the disorder, ok?

 

[Tana]

I'm not very familiar with schizotypal personality disorder, but here's a few thoughts I have on what your wrote... First, I don't think you should worry about it turning into schizophrenia. I think that only feeds the paranoia and I'm pretty sure it isn't like a "rule", just an eventuality among some people. Also, every disorder is on a spectrum. Perhaps you fit a few criteria and you can wear the label from a medical point of view, but another doctor would see things a bit differently. It seems to me like schizophrenia would develop among those with an advanced type of that disorder. Mental health is a pretty difficult science to determine and I don't think an additional label should alarm you, especially because you are right : the more you read about this, the more your mind will try to fit the box and almost adapt to it. Our brain is deceiving. I don't see a real benefit from it, on the contrary.

You know that before hearing about that disorder, you were the exact same person as you are now? Nothing has changed, nothing should change. Sometimes I find that people who are more critical of the labels associated to them have a healthier approach. It's a spectrum. Does it matter if a behaviour can be justified with this or that disorder if in the end it is detrimental to you? This is only a word, invented by humans, to put people with similarities in a box to help them with treatment, but you are still unique even in the way you experience the symptoms. Just be you, don't be the disorder, ok?

Okay.
I'm better now, just have random moments when I want to look it up, but it just makes me nervous then, or even, I unintentionally start to mimic something or consider something that seemed more "normal", as the exact opposite...

Here are the symptoms, if you're willing to give further feedback. I'll cross out the ones that don't fit at all.

• Being a loner and lacking close friends outside of the immediate family
• Flat emotions or limited or inappropriate emotional responses (Sometimes? But I think this is more related to other stuff...)
• Persistent and excessive social anxiety (Not much anymore)
• Incorrect interpretation of events, such as a feeling that something that is actually harmless or inoffensive has a direct personal meaning (Probably :/ a times).
• Peculiar, eccentric or unusual thinking, beliefs or mannerisms (?)
• Suspicious or paranoid thoughts and constant doubts about the loyalty of others (Kind of :/ at times).
• Belief in special powers, such as mental telepathy or superstitions
• Unusual perceptions, such as sensing an absent person's presence or having illusions
• Dressing in peculiar ways, such as appearing unkempt or wearing oddly matched clothes
• Peculiar style of speech, such as vague or unusual patterns of speaking, or rambling oddly during conversations (I can ramble, for sure, I think)

How bad is that? Can it be fixed? :/

 

[Auri]

I have no idea if it can be fixed, sweetie. From what I know about personality disorders in general, you learn to have better behaviours, you improve, you change core beliefs with therapy, etc. and medications help some particular symptoms. For example, if paranoia is a struggle, or doubting others' loyalty, I'm sure it's something that can be improved, you know? In addition to the social anxiety, it seems that a direct consequence of all that would be that you lack close friendships. They are things you can work on in therapy, etc. in order to make close friends. Talk about them with your doctor/psychologist.

What makes you doubt others' loyalty? Is it past experiences, or doubting someone can ever be genuine... ? How do you feel about people?

 

[Tana]

I have no idea if it can be fixed, sweetie. From what I know about personality disorders in general, you learn to have better behaviours, you improve, you change core beliefs with therapy, etc. and medications help some particular symptoms. For example, if paranoia is a struggle, or doubting others' loyalty, I'm sure it's something that can be improved, you know? In addition to the social anxiety, it seems that a direct consequence of all that would be that you lack close friendships. They are things you can work on in therapy, etc. in order to make close friends. Talk about them with your doctor/psychologist.

What makes you doubt others' loyalty? Is it past experiences, or doubting someone can ever be genuine... ? How do you feel about people?

Loyalty..that part I mostly related back with "Incorrect interpretation of events". But also, for example, one of my pals was talking about others behind their back to me (for example) and I felt depressed with a thought and pointed it out and asked,"Since you're that nice to their face, how do I know you're not talking negatively about me behind my back?" But she kind of stirred the subject, then I just asked her who's her best friend in the town she lives at, and she said a name of someone she never spoke bad about, so I assumed (positively) she's probably not gossiping me either since we have more of a relationship, maybe...idk. Anyway, this example sounds normal to me, though. I mean, a reasonable suspicion, right? *shrug* Not that it always is.

Yeah, that's what I've been thinking. The paranoid part is the only thing that bugs me here which I can relate to at moments. Everything else just seems sort of... "so what?" or unrelated...such as, "flat effect" I'd think was related to depression. Social anxiety is well..it's own thing etc...

Thank you for your feedback. I'm still kind of uneasy about it now, but I'll get over it. And I realise it's doing me no good to randomly worry it might grow into something worse in the future, lol...still...

 

[mfor]

Think of it this way: If those 'symptoms' were not related to a condition with a name, would you have cared as much?

Additonally, you will need to remember that any problem you have can become unhealthy if you let it fester. If you have trouble trusting others, for example, you will become a bitter, cynical person if you are never able to trust anyone. That is something natural, and you don't need to be schizophrenic for that.
As for you hearing voices, that can also be explained easily. First of all, there's the paranoia that you might be developing schizophrenia. The more you're afraid of it, the jumpier you become, and you do show signs of that (of being rather jumpy towards your fears). It's also related to your social anxiety, because you're constantly afraid of the impact you might have or have had on others, so that results in your brain kind of blurring the lines between your fears and your senses.
Work on it one step at a time. You are, for lack of a better expression, missing the trees for the forest.

 

[Tana]

Think of it this way: If those 'symptoms' were not related to a condition with a name, would you have cared as much?

Additonally, you will need to remember that any problem you have can become unhealthy if you let it fester. If you have trouble trusting others, for example, you will become a bitter, cynical person if you are never able to trust anyone. That is something natural, and you don't need to be schizophrenic for that.
As for you hearing voices, that can also be explained easily. First of all, there's the paranoia that you might be developing schizophrenia. The more you're afraid of it, the jumpier you become, and you do show signs of that (of being rather jumpy towards your fears). It's also related to your social anxiety, because you're constantly afraid of the impact you might have or have had on others, so that results in your brain kind of blurring the lines between your fears and your senses.
Work on it one step at a time. You are, for lack of a better expression, missing the trees for the forest.

Yeah, I just got randomly panicky and couldn't help it. It's cool now, thanks.

 

[Auri]

Yeah, that's what I've been thinking. The paranoid part is the only thing that bugs me here which I can relate to at moments. Everything else just seems sort of... "so what?" or unrelated...such as, "flat effect" I'd think was related to depression. Social anxiety is well..it's own thing etc...

Some criteria for a personality disorder are not bad in themselves, they are just indicative of a personality disorder. Typically the weird clothing isn't a bad thing on its own, many people wear "weird" clothes, but it has been observed that people having that disorder very often do wear weird clothes, apparently.