Just to top it off got a stinking cold today !!!
The roller coaster ride of depression is different for men and women I think.
With women you get what you see, they are brought up to show there emotions, if fact it can be a big help to them sometimes, like when they want something.
Men on the other hand, are brought up to be two different people, they have a public face, that everyone see's every day, then a private face, that no one see's apart from may be thier wives, if they are lucky enough to have found the right women, I think thats the difference between the sexes, men have all the qualities that make a women, a women, we are just brought up to hide all that side of our selves away or dismiss it as erelevent.
So the me you see here in my threads, is a kind of escape, where the private me, that no one, and I meen no one ever see's, gets to come out play, so its the private me that gets depressed, feels that suicide might not be that bad a deal after all, thats scared of what others will think, that worries if I really know who I am after all those years of hiding behind that public face.
Oddly it's the private me that's fairly comfortable with the whole gay thing, the public me on the other hand is not too pleased, now my brother has 2 young kids, I guess having a wife, kids, a dog, "the nuclear family", looks pretty appealing, but I decide long ago, that it wasn't an option for me, it would have never worked out, but I suppose the "ideal" of living that life never left me, so in some ways I have been cheated out of living a "happy" life, because of who I am.
Let me put it this way, my private side is a young frightened child, full of hopes and dreams, my public side is a full grown adult totaly in control, wise to the world and able to take the knocks and bumps that life puts in his way, but this can only ever leed to conflict, the child wants to grow up to be someone different to the person I am and the adult resents the child for having such niave, unrealistic, hope and dreams, that led me to grow up being the person I am. (not sure that makes any sence)
For me that is the definition of my depression, the ups and downs I suppose, it is the confilct between those 2 sides of me, that was never really resolved, may be that is the definition of "mental illness" to; (not words I'm keen on, but true never the less) a fractured mind containing two opposing points of view, a mental tug of war if you like, where no one can ever really get the upper hand, because for one side to win, one side will lose and that would meen losing a part of yourself, a part that may be none of us are willing to let go of, just yet.
So for me, part of that letting go, is to let the news thats held me back all those years, come out, to those that I feel have earned the right to know, it just sadens me a little that none of those people are members of my family, yet.
A bit deep for this early in the night, this benalyin, must be good stuff (flu medicine before any one asks) :blink:
As for being a "poof", well it's true, doesn't meen I'm a bad person.
Wearing the watch on the wrong wrist was a consious decision I made for myself some years ago, for myself, more than any one else.
Fatman1966, is just a statement of fact, I am "fat" 2 stone over weight and I was born in 1966.
I am not ashamed of who I am, but might be of the life I've wasted.
I did put my piccy up as my avitar, but the mods "suggested" i take it down, rules and all.