Self-hatred and Self-doubt

MisterBGone

βœ… Dancer
SF Supporter
#21
In my opinion (take it for what it's worth) a manager should help build others up and work to their strengths. The bigger you build up the staff, and the happier they are, the better they work and in turn, the more they want to learn and grow. A manager is only higher up because of knowledge and experience. Without the rest of the staff... a manager is Nothing! Otherwise... everyone is equal. No one is more important than the other. As i said... only my opinion... Not shared by very many...
You are brilliant, and correct in your "assessment," as it is 'spot-on,' in my opinion! We needed someone like you, instead of them - there. But? Who am I to tell them how they want to run their ship! You want that kind of environment set-up, where everybody is constantly looking to slit one another's throats? And make things up, so that they can get them in trouble? Were talking like many-year vets pulling out all of the stops; towards sabotaging one another's jobs & putting their statuses in jeopardy here. And just because you can say it, and document it, doesn't mean it happened (when it comes to word of mouth). Anyway? I digress. . . ;) The Front Desk Manager was different in her background from the General (who was more traditionally from a business & hospitality management side of things). She, began in the laundry room, washing linens I believe. After 20 some years on the shelf, or raising kids. So she'd been there for maybe five years or something like that when she'd met, I'd hesitate to say "fell in love with," but was taken by me & my personality; at least 'professionally.' And this is where the big discrepancy came in when it came to meeting the other (the general). As from the moment she'd laid eyes on me - she'd already hated me. And so, I knew, from our first "brief," introduction. That I was on a short-clock, or watch, and that she would be looking to be 'out to get me!' As for the other her number one. He was a very anal retentive person. Which is only one reason why everybody, from both sides, but no more than my manager, hated him and his guts. I found him favorable however. He was very intelligent, and very wise. Especially in this industry. When I was in my first year there, I could ask him a question. And he would explain it to me, IN GREAT DETAIL - & so that I understood not only the answer/in terms of being what the solution was. But ALSO & Furthermore: the reasoning behind it. So the 'Why,' so to speak; or as it were. And I therefore, gained an incredibly amount of insight, and a wealth of knowledge, in a fairly short period of time from when compared to how it would have been, sans all of that. Not that it mattered much in the end. Nearly every body there loved me. No-thing all that unusual in that regard. I like to make people laugh and feel good about themselves. Do hard work. Pick up extra shifts. Etc, etc. But that (STILL) wasn't good enough. If my MGR loved some-thing; then that meant the other, HATED it. Period, end of story~!* (only thing I could've done in retrospect, was try not to be so good: or "high," on my mgr's side, or 'list,' so that I could've somehow flown under the radar for a little while longer, or something? I don't know, really!). But that other guy, the one everybody would always run to me and gossip or talk shit about - how he'd done this, or how he'd said that, in regards to some action on a previous given shift that I'd missed... he wound getting another job at another location that was actually a promotion Front Desk Manager, like the very next day. Of course, aside from his excellent working knowledge within the industry, I believe he also had an in, or some strings pulled, by said GM of / or on ~ from 'Our side." With, or in terms of, when it comes to/or came to - connections. : )
 

MentallyTired7

Well-Known Member
#22
Okay, First off~ & for Starters: @MentallyTired7 - You do not need to apologize to me. Everything is o. k. / And I don't need any explanation for any reason whatsoever! : ) For I am fine, with everything. And I'm not in the least bit upset with you for a delayed response. As I hope I would have said earlier, you didn't even have to give me one--a response--& I'd have been fine, too... So please don't be feeling badly or anything like that. As I don't want you worrying about this (SF) at all, okay?

Now, I'm glad to hear that things are somewhat better now, than they were then, when you'd written previously. However, it still sounds as if there are some challenges at present. That is ok, though. This is to be expected. For all of us. Even if for different reasons, and some of us, many in fact, it would be the same! So I was just wanting to say that I hope you have some sort of an idea, or plan on how you might be able to get some help with these concentration issues. So that you can live a more settled & calm life. One with more ease. And less stress. Easier said than done! I know, and I realize this...

Usually, it takes a good diagnosis into one's condition. Then it takes getting the proper treatment for such care. This can involve medications, commonly, and frequently. It all just depends on what it is. Some people are greatly helped by therapy. Others are not. Some people do both to moderate benefit. While others find one more successful, or helpful in lending them aid, and then the other more of a, "going through the motions" kind or type of a thing. So they can say that they've at least tried to make their best (faith) efforts in order to solve their dilemma. And fight the difficulties present with their diagnosis.

I'm glad that you got something out of what I'd said before. I didn't go back & read it just now, and while I used to have a superb memory, these days it just isn't. It's very, very poor. I am 46, by the way! On your question of self-doubt; & self-hatred. It's a complicated question for sure. I have not felt that way since birth. Not by any means. I'd say it became a more permanent fixture sometime in my early 20's, by my best estimate. So college. And then from there, it kind of just stuck around for a good, long-little while. I'd say mid-30's maybe? Or thereabouts~

Now as to the root cause. I'm sure some of it is just genetics. I was adopted, and so I have no idea or clue as to my biological families' medical history. Then the environmental factors probably kicked in there somewhere along the way, and played a fairly significant role, or part (I'd imagine. . . that they had to have, had?). I've had some bad luck, but who hasn't? I wasn't very smart, nor good in school. This led to not being able to find meaningful work, or a reliable career & occupation with which to keep both me, and my mind occuppied.

With the MDD (major depression), I found it very difficult to hold a job. And when I did, it wasn't a very good, or fulfilling one. In spite of some profound connections formed amongst co-workers, or superiors (& it wasn't always that way, by the way) - but my point is, that I had a lot of fun, for a while, at almost all of them. But when you're working for little money, at a hotel, or a coffee shop, and a restaurant. Or things like that, it can be very difficult to build up enough self-esteem to conquer those feelings of insecurity, which can then lead to the self-doubt; which also may manifest itself into the self-hatred. Or the reverse (order) of those, perhaps? Regardless of how it happens, it's that it happens. And happens it does. To this day, though by the time you get to my age, sometime in my 30s is where this change occurred...

You begin to sort of settle into a more relaxed phase & state, or place in life. Things slow down. And you are able to feel more composed. Less stressed, and distressed--in comparison to how it was before. So while you can still get "rocked," by life every once in awhile. With age, and I guess or suppose maturity, I think... & in the absence of that, just plain old, 'life experience' - so you've been around the block & seen a lot of things. . . You're less phased by many of the things with which you would have been unsettled, and sometimes to a great degree - before.

So I hope I've somewhat answered your question. Even though I took the long, or scenic route, way around. I didn't mean too, but it just happens to be my way, these days. As I have little capacity, or ability to edit, think critically, eliminate or cut thoughts/idea/& chunks (or paragraphs) from my posts. It doesn't take forever, about as long as it takes to type. But it does take a lot of (effort & energy) out of me. So often I am quite spent after it... :)

By the way, I love all of your emoji's, " ;) " They almost looked like a work of art - in the way that they were patterned, or layed out so symetrically like that! I don't know if it was planned, or just happened that way, but whatever the reason. It looked super-cool! :D And it reminded me of some of my old posts on here, from some years ago! Anyway... just let me know if you have any more questions, now or ever~
Hey @MisterBGone :),

I hope that you are doing good. I hadn't logged in here on SF for two months.

I like your relaxed attitude a lot ;).

The concentration issues have always been there for me sadly. My autism plays a big role in this I think...

Getting the proper diagnosis first is very important yeah; I agee with you. I've had a lot of therapy sessions over the years and have also tried multiple medications these recent couple of years. Very recently I stopped taking medications altogether, because they did basically nothing for me. It's great though that for a lot of people taking medications help. It's just like you said MisterB; what works for one person, doesn't have the work for the other. We're all different and unique.

Don't worry about your memory, my own memory is shitty. I think we are similar when it comes to when the self-doubt and self-hatred started. For me it seems like those two things started getting serious in my 20's as well (I'm 22 right now and will turn 23 in May).

Genetics play a role in so many things. I can imagine that when you are adopted and don't know your biological family, that it can raise a lot of questions for yourself.

It's very impressive that you were able to hold some jobs despite the MDD; that deserves a lot of respect.

I hope that, with the passing of some years, I can resolve some of my big struggles/problems in life. I really hope, but I'm not completely sure if I'm able to do that.

Thank you for your long reply :). Don't worry about your replies being too long; I like and appreciate them a lot. Also, to me they don't seem like they need to be edited at all, so don't worry about that. They are already nice/pleasant to read; they are structured nicely.

Oh and cool that you like my use of emoji's haha :p. There's never a specific plan for all those emoji's though haha, but I do happen to like symmetry (in general).
 

MentallyTired7

Well-Known Member
#23
Hey @MentallyTired7
Yes. I do. I like with self doubt enough that if I let myself I'll doubt every word I say or action I do. I try not to allow it for it's a spiral.

I used to live with an incredible amount of self hatred. What helped me was

- I categorically stopped saying I hate myself. Whenever I thought 'I hate myself' I changed it to the specific trigger 'I hate that I was at the side with no one to talk to' for example.

- I wrote to myself a lot. From the wise part of me to myself. It helped me access other feelings.

I think that's it. I don't love myself. I try accept myself.

Sending love and sparkles
Hey Innocent :)

First I want to say, sorry for the late reply *wacko. I hadn't logged in here, on the Forum, for two months.

I think it's a good thing that you are not allowing the self-doubt to take over.

I'm sorry to hear that you used to live with a lot of self-hatred :/. That must have been a hard and not so nice (to say the least) time in your life. Thank you for sharing the things that have helped you :).

Loving yourself is difficult, at least for a lot of people I think. We as humans should at least try to accept ourselves imo.
 

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