Yeah suicide is not alllowed and society can't cope with a suicidal person - what do you mean you don't want to live?! You can't say that because modern society is so insecure. Everybody wants you to be 'better'... 'how are you? are you beter now? you are? ok we can all carry on then.' but if you feel depressed then you feel depressed, it's ok to say fuck all this from time to time, maybe even healthy. Something I heard that was it's ok to feel depressed sometimes but don't make it into your identity, it's just a temporary state, same as being happy is. Maybe it lasts for years but I guarantee that you have at least one moment of contentment coming to you before you die and maybe that's all any of us can ask for.
You don't need to change anything because everything changes in time anyway but I hope you can find peace in your situation.