Should I stick with group therapy?

[Sunspots]

I've been going to group therapy for 9 months now. It's a fairly small group, only 8 of us plus the 3 professionals who run it. We've all become pretty close, we have a little WhatsApp group to chat in throughout the week and meet up for coffee etc.

It took me a long time to be able to speak but after 2 or 3 months I was able to join in with the check in at the beginning and say whether I'd had a good or bad week. But that's where I've stopped. I can ask questions and give suggestions to other members but I can't talk about how bad I am feeling. Yesterday the psychologist asked me directly what the inner monologue was in my head and I just couldn't answer. All I could say was "it's horrible" but I'm too embarrassed/scared/whatever to elaborate even when pushed. I eventually left the room in tears as she just kept pushing me for more.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm wasting their time if I can't do or say what they want me to. It's not that I don't want to. I'd love to be able to fully open up like the others seem to be able to do but somehow I don't feel worthy of it. Which I also know is stupid but I can't get past it. I don't want to give up on it and feel like I've failed at that too but I don't want to take up a place for someone who might get more out of it than I seem to be. Does that make sense?

 

[Honda1010]

Good Morning. I did group therapy for a couple of months. It took awhile to open up but eventually I did. I felt comfortable because there were people there just like me struggling with the issues.

 

[Acy]

Hi @Sunspots - I’m sorry it became very uncomfortable and distressing for you. Disclosing deep feelings/thoughts can be difficult.

Should you stay in group therapy? That is a question laden with judgments - so I can only offer that it’s up to you in the end.

I think that with some time and ongoing, supportive encouragement, you might be able to open up eventually.

You are not taking up space from someone else, I’m sure. They gave you a place in the group.

Just an idea, if you decide to stay in the group: I find writing things out can be helpful - removes the difficulty of saying things out loud at first. And it opens up a place to start. Maybe give that to the psychologist and see if they are able to ask gentle questions based on it to help you feel easier about discussing it....?

I wish you well however you choose to go forward.

 

[Were all together]

@Sunspots, I know exactly how you feel. I am the same way. I think @Acy stated it best. There's nothing more I want to add to it.

 

[dandelion s]

I've been going to group therapy for 9 months now. It's a fairly small group, only 8 of us plus the 3 professionals who run it. We've all become pretty close, we have a little WhatsApp group to chat in throughout the week and meet up for coffee etc.

It took me a long time to be able to speak but after 2 or 3 months I was able to join in with the check in at the beginning and say whether I'd had a good or bad week. But that's where I've stopped. I can ask questions and give suggestions to other members but I can't talk about how bad I am feeling. Yesterday the psychologist asked me directly what the inner monologue was in my head and I just couldn't answer. All I could say was "it's horrible" but I'm too embarrassed/scared/whatever to elaborate even when pushed. I eventually left the room in tears as she just kept pushing me for more.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm wasting their time if I can't do or say what they want me to. It's not that I don't want to. I'd love to be able to fully open up like the others seem to be able to do but somehow I don't feel worthy of it. Which I also know is stupid but I can't get past it. I don't want to give up on it and feel like I've failed at that too but I don't want to take up a place for someone who might get more out of it than I seem to be. Does that make sense?

I'm wondering lu if it is a fear or even just a hesitance to let go - out of habit or supposed constraints that might not even exist. That is not to say it's made up or imagined but that way back to a time I know nothing about, things happened that presented themselves in a certain way that had you react before fully understanding all the aspects of the event. The accompanying pain was the overriding feature and now it has kind of become a way of life since it still presents itself as too painful to approach. Might handling it involve a leap of faith? Might it have something to do with the people in your group? Might knowing people who will know something about you that you feel is worthy of being criticized for inhibit your telling? These are my thoughts as I now reconsider a similar situation I was in not too long ago. I was in a group, I could not open up but I also felt uncomfortable with the psychologist running the group and the people in the group. I've been out of group therapy for so long but trying to find one again, so just from that point of view and believing there are good groups, I'd say stay with it. You've invested a lot. You've probably made more progress than you realize and give yourself credit for. I really wish I could have stayed with my first group in the intensive program but it's become ancient history now. But I would also suggest leaving the group if the leader or members make you feel uncomfortable. Do they? And if so, do you know why? If you do feel comfortable with them maybe the time to take that leap of faith will be coming to you soon. Just deciding to stay might bring it about. In that case it will be worth it to stick around.

 

[may71]

I agree with @Acy about writing things out. The problem seems to be that you can't express what you want to in that situation, not that you can't express those things at all. It may just be a matter of finding the right way to get those things out.

I don't want to give up on it and feel like I've failed at that too but I don't want to take up a place for someone who might get more out of it than I seem to be

Your not participating in group therapy isn't going to make things better or easier for anyone else. No one is being prevented from participating in group therapy because of you. If anything, dropping out might make other people want to drop out too.

Maybe you're on the verge of making a breakthrough in your therapy, and that could be something that could help other people too.

Hugs Lu

 

[Sunspots]

Just an idea, if you decide to stay in the group: I find writing things out can be helpful - removes the difficulty of saying things out loud at first. And it opens up a place to start. Maybe give that to the psychologist and see if they are able to ask gentle questions based on it to help you feel easier about discussing it....?

That's a good idea. I've done that before with my individual therapist but didn't think of it in a group context. Thanks x

 

[Sunspots]

I'm wondering lu if it is a fear

It's definitely fear, on so many levels. Since I was a small child, talking about my feelings has brought about bad things - physical and mental punishment from my parents and being told I'm being stupid by my husband. I've got much better at being able to do it one to one with my therapist and if I was talking individually to any of the people in group yesterday it probably wouldn't have been a problem. But to do it with a room full of eyes looking at me? It's too much.
It would definitely involve a leap of faith. I just feel so fragile at the moment that I'm worried if I miss and don't quite get to the other side I'll shatter into a million pieces.
I do feel comfortable with the members and two of the professionals running it. The third scares me - she's far more pushy and direct. To be fair I know I need to open up more to get the most from the group and I probably DO need to be pushed to do that. The fear is just so overpowering at the moment.

 

[Sunspots]

Hugs Lu

Thank you, I needed them. I've been in tears all night and all day.

 

[dandelion s]

It's definitely fear, on so many levels. Since I was a small child, talking about my feelings has brought about bad things - physical and mental punishment from my parents and being told I'm being stupid by my husband. I've got much better at being able to do it one to one with my therapist and if I was talking individually to any of the people in group yesterday it probably wouldn't have been a problem. But to do it with a room full of eyes looking at me? It's too much.
It would definitely involve a leap of faith. I just feel so fragile at the moment that I'm worried if I miss and don't quite get to the other side I'll shatter into a million pieces.
I do feel comfortable with the members and two of the professionals running it. The third scares me - she's far more pushy and direct. To be fair I know I need to open up more to get the most from the group and I probably DO need to be pushed to do that. The fear is just so overpowering at the moment.

Have you talked in the group about your fears of opening up? And what and why those fears are? Do you have any thoughts that were left dangling that could be further pursued?

 

[Sunspots]

Have you talked in the group about your fears of opening up? And what and why those fears are?

I haven't yet. That would probably be a good start. I think I could manage that.

Do you have any thoughts that were left dangling that could be further pursued?

Thoughts on my inner monologue?

 

[dandelion s]

I haven't yet. That would probably be a good start. I think I could manage that.

Thoughts on my inner monologue?

I was thinking of anything you might have started to discuss but then didn't keep talking about or while talking about something a thought crossed your mind that you might have wanted to discuss but didn't - I suppose this could include inner monologue.

 

[Sunspots]

a thought crossed your mind that you might have wanted to discuss but didn't

That would be pretty much everything. I don't feel like I've been able to talk about anything of importance. I'm constantly just skimming the surface.

 

[dandelion s]

hmm, I was thinking of little fleeting things. Maybe something incidental. Something somewhat insignificant like that could be attached to something else altogether different yet still connected and be a way into the more important thing.

 

[Lumos]

There's a difference between someone pushing and someone gently encouraging. By the sounds of it, her presence would put me off too.

Have you ever read about transference? It sounds like that might kinda be happening there, like the pushy one reminds you of people who were similar in your past? Maybe it would be helpful to tell her it puts you off?

I'd think about what I'd want to gain from the group and then decide if I could continue or not basing it on thinking about if I'd be able to open up more over time.. or not. Sounds like they are all there to help though and maybe it would be good if you tried to even briefly say you're feeling really bad?

 

[Sunspots]

hmm, I was thinking of little fleeting things. Maybe something incidental. Something somewhat insignificant like that could be attached to something else altogether different yet still connected and be a way into the more important thing.

Several times every week. But I feel like I shouldn't take up space in the group, I don't have a right to.

 

[sinking_ship]

hmm, I was thinking of little fleeting things. Maybe something incidental. Something somewhat insignificant like that could be attached to something else altogether different yet still connected and be a way into the more important thing.

A few months back, my therapist asked me something like, 'what's a medium big problem we can work on' or something like that. Because I said there were a couple big things on my mind, but I didn't know if I felt ready to dive into them, to open that can of worms. So maybe @Sunspots you can start with a smaller problem, I think this is what ET might be getting at. Think of something that you can open up about that maybe won't make the floor fall out from under you if you say it out loud. And I do agree with the others that writing it might be a good start. You know I often rely on writing to admit to things or bring up tough subjects with my therapist as well.

I think you've already made progress being with the group, and it seems like it would be worthwhile to stay and see what further progress you can make. You aren't taking someone else's spot by being there. You deserve the support just as much as any other person, and I'm sure the other group members are happy you are there.

for you

 

[Nick]

I can't answer for you whether to stay in group therapy or not, it's really a personal decision. Opening up to people is HARD. Some people seem to manage it no problem, but others of us struggle. The monologue in my head is toxic shit. That toxic shit just sits and stews in there. You know I talked to someone for nearly a year before I started to open up, I mean really open up. It was over a year before I started sharing some of the deep dark things. I still don't share most of the self deprecating thoughts I have. My point here is that it takes time for some of us to get there.

 

[dandelion s]

I can't answer for you whether to stay in group therapy or not, it's really a personal decision. Opening up to people is HARD. Some people seem to manage it no problem, but others of us struggle. The monologue in my head is toxic shit. That toxic shit just sits and stews in there. You know I talked to someone for nearly a year before I started to open up, I mean really open up. It was over a year before I started sharing some of the deep dark things. I still don't share most of the self deprecating thoughts I have. My point here is that it takes time for some of us to get there.

Yeah I agree there are things I don't talk about here and even with my therapist. But I did find (with the group I liked) that after sitting silent the first 5 weeks something just changed and I was able to talk. I wish I could have stayed with the group. I found another group and hated it. I know @Sunspots you are thinking of leaving your group but I suggest staying with it for the reasons others have already said.

 

[Lane]

I've been going to group therapy for 9 months now. It's a fairly small group, only 8 of us plus the 3 professionals who run it. We've all become pretty close, we have a little WhatsApp group to chat in throughout the week and meet up for coffee etc.

It took me a long time to be able to speak but after 2 or 3 months I was able to join in with the check in at the beginning and say whether I'd had a good or bad week. But that's where I've stopped. I can ask questions and give suggestions to other members but I can't talk about how bad I am feeling. Yesterday the psychologist asked me directly what the inner monologue was in my head and I just couldn't answer. All I could say was "it's horrible" but I'm too embarrassed/scared/whatever to elaborate even when pushed. I eventually left the room in tears as she just kept pushing me for more.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm wasting their time if I can't do or say what they want me to. It's not that I don't want to. I'd love to be able to fully open up like the others seem to be able to do but somehow I don't feel worthy of it. Which I also know is stupid but I can't get past it. I don't want to give up on it and feel like I've failed at that too but I don't want to take up a place for someone who might get more out of it than I seem to be. Does that make sense?

I think everyone's different @Sunspots and you have given so much value by listening to the rest of the group members. Also, while you feel that 9 months is a long time, there doesn't really have to be a time limit. We, I know i..put a microscope on ourselves.

It's hard to open up and out ourselves at risk. I honestly don't feel that comfortable in groups at first but after a while grow to like everyone. Maybe you can start with what @extraterrestrialone and say how it's a bit difficult for you to share how you feel?

I had to be in groups to and work through it. It was group led so the more vocal had center stage. If you're getting something out of it or forsee that you will, stick with it..if I may be so bold to say.